Greed: The Dark Side of The Force

There is something known in psychology circles as the "winner effect." It's one of the most robustly tested phenomena in animal behaviour. John Coates, author of "The House Between Dog and Wolf" says it's simply explained by saying, when an animal has won a fight or a battle for turf it is statistically much more likely to win the next one. It is thought to be because of the thrill of winning causing rising levels of testosterone, which increases lean muscle mass, hemoglobin and your blood's capacity to carry oxygen. Any gorilla beating its chest while standing over its vanquished opponent would tell you if it could that winning is like doping. This in turn makes the animal more confident and makes it take more risks. It's not a stretch of logic to assume the animal EXPECTS to win the next contest. You might even say the animal believes it DESERVES to win the next contest.

As an aside, THIS is why I absolutely HATE the modern NHL trend of careful, defensively responsible, no risk, mistake-free hockey. It just dampens the winner effect when it could be all the players need to win repeatedly. Conversely I heard Gretzky, Messier, Lowe and some of the other members from the winning Oilers clubs of the past talking about the massive talent on the current club that is putting up sadsack numbers every year. They agreed they just need to "get used to winning" and they'll be tough to stop. This is the non-university explanation but it's exactly the same.

Since man is just an animal this has been applied to our behaviour too. Interestingly, it doesn't only apply to physical behaviour. For instance traders on Wall Street are more likely to get "on a roll" after making one good investment and raising their testosterone levels. Gamblers and athletes call it a lucky streak or being in the zone but there might be a more physiological explanation.

However, with great power comes great responsibility. There comes a time in the winner effect when it can go to the head of the animal. It begins to see opponents not so much as competitors but as victims of their unstoppable onslaught. Dare I call it the "killer instinct?" They begin to overextend, become reckless, leave their pack and homes unattended. The winner effect actually becomes their downfall. They lose by winning so frequently.

With the recent spate of psychopathy in the news in Norway and even in Canada with the Luka Rocco Magnotta thing I have noticed some very clear similarities in what people believe the thinking, (or maybe lack of it), behind successful winners and successful killers is. Mass murder has also been robustly studied so it is with great mounds of psychological testing behind it that people have come up with the idea of the "Type T" personality which is applied to serial killers. The T stands for THRILL and it is a bigger part of what drives them than we acknowledge according to Dr. Frank Farley, the psychologist who coined the phrase.

Brain scans in impulsively antisocial people showed a combination of meanness and disinhibition and showed greater activity in parts of the brain related to anticipating and expecting rewards. Elliot Leyton, a professor emeritus at Memorial University and author of the book, "Hunting Humans" says, "They are utterly without compassion. Other people are just things they use for their own pleasure." Frank Farley adds, "In the process of anesthetizing himself, he loses any touch with his OWN humanity." But, he adds, they are utterly charming and you can't see them coming.

How many con-running, cheap tactic, kick in the balls, scumbag, suit-wearing, pearly white-flashing scheisters does this bang on absolutely perfectly describe???

But then again, how many absolutely, (as far as we can guage), NORMAL people does this describe? A consumer credit company called Equifax revealed that there was $400,000,000 of mortgage fraud in Canada last year. Experts say this is only the tip of the iceberg. Most of the swindling involves people lying to obtain mortgages larger than their incomes can support. Risk taking, expecting and believing they DESERVE more than they have earned.

Many people are starting to see that this sense of entitlement starts with coddled toddlers getting what they want and is fostered by a society of instant gratification. And from requisite child GPS-equipped cellphones to flashy cars right up to the giant mansion, easy credit is the enabler.

Canadians now carry $1.53 in debt for every buck they make. Most expect to work till the age of 66 and only 30% believe they will be able to fully retire by then. This according to a poll done by Sun Life Financial.

It's like our culture is trying to perpetuate the winner effect, it's just not telling us that we all can't be winners. How many of those tired old cliches do we poison the minds of innocent young kids with? These kids who will be facing the predetory animilistic serial winners on a roll. I'm talking about, "You can do anything you put your mind to," and all that crap. Well, NO YOU CAN'T! Not in today's world peopled by brain-damaged, antisocial, testosterone junkies that will eat you up sooner than give you a fair deal on anything.

When did we get like this? You know even America, where it is, (probably accurately), believed to be the foremost example of what I'm talking about, has only recently sold its soul to Mammon. The U.S. used to be Sweden! They used to be more egalitarian than anywhere else on the earth! In colonial times Americans were free and better off than people in their mother countries. Even with slaves included in 1774 the American colonies were the most equal in distribution of wealth. Only the absolute elite in Europe had more wealth than their counterparts in the U.S. In 1814 Thomas Jefferson wrote a letter in which he said, "We have no paupers. The wealthy know nothing of what the Europeans call luxury. They have only somewhat more of the comforts and decencies of life than those who furnish them. Can any condition in society be more desirable than this?"

How often do we hear American politicians and diplomats talking, (out their asses), about what the founding fathers wanted for America? THIS is what they wanted and do you know what it is? It's SOCIALISM! Nowadays you can talk an American dog out of its bone by telling him it's socialism. The founding fathers would undoubtedly be ashamed of the inequality in America nowadays and it just perfectly illustrates the point of this post that people who have lost all concern for their fellow man, for honesty, for morality, for normality, but are jonesing for their next thrill of victoriously standing over a financial opponent bested and beating their chests will actually conjure up the name of Thomas Jefferson or one of the REALLY great men in their history if it helps them close another dishonest, unequal, capitalistic, corporate deal.

Do you know what the founding fathers wanted? Do you know where that is NOW? BHUTAN! I am not kidding! Most people in the U.S. statistically believe the country is on the wrong track. Pessimism is the order of the day. The average American has an encyclopedic knowledge of drugs, including the endless amounts of anti-depressants. Unprecedented inequality had lead to lower life satisfaction.

Forty years ago the young king of Bhutan made a wise choice: He said that the kindom of Bhutan should pursue "gross national happiness" rather than gross national product. In Bhutan it has been decreed that "We are unhappy if we are denied our basic material needs but we are also unhappy if our pursuit of higher incomes replaces our focus on family, friends, community, compassion and maintaining internal balance." They vowed to avoid the model Americans provided, who they believed suffered from an increasing range of consumer addictions.

"To be sure we should support economic growth and development but that which promotes environmental sustainability and the values of compassion and honesty that are required for social trust."

I AM MOVING TO BHUTAN! Because I doubt there are too many nations with the balls to do what they are doing, i.e. what is unquestionably RIGHT.

What are we eating?

This guy is awesome! I think he makes a whole lot of sense! I remembered him from the documentary Food Inc. and a friend of mine just went to his farm for a visit. She uploaded some pics on fb and I said, "Hey that looks like the Food Inc farmer!" I guess he's written a book now called "This Ain't Right" and is becoming pretty well known. This is a good thing!


Two things he says in this clip that strike me are how we have allowed ourselves to become so disconnected and ignorant about something as intimate as the food we put inside ourselves every day. And the end when he's talking about the people who view the pig as a pile of protoplasmic inanimate structure to be manipulated by whatever creative design humans can foist upon it, (for example combining its genes with salmon to create bigger, more cost-efficient salmon that will be introduced into the wild and kill all the others), will probably view people with the same type of disdain, disrespect and controlling-type mentality. In short, view people as nothing but paying consumers OF that Frankenfood.


Bertrand Russel in his 1953 book, "The Impact of Science on Society" said, "Diet, injections and injunctions will combine from a very early age, to produce the sort of character the authorities consider desirable."


Probably the biggest food bullies of them all, Monsanto, unabashedly said that it is their GOAL to take over the food biosphere of the planet. One of the things they are a little bit known for, (and should be better known), is bovine growth hormone produced by Monsanto to inject into cows to make them produce more milk and thereby more money. This growth hormone was investigated by many countries and disallowed because of dangers. Luckily Canada was one. But in the U.S. kids are reaching puberty at 8, boys are growing playoff beards along with their Dads, and a whole pile of other scary things linked to this hormone are obviously happening but people don't know why. Fox News was going to produce a story on this hormone in milk and a high-priced, Monsanto-hired lawyer sent them a letter stating that there would be dire consequences if the story was aired. The station chief shut it down. This is why Fox News is, well, Fox News.


Then there's the Monsanto Frankencorn that grows its own pesticides. About 85% of the corn in the States is this stuff that is linked to organ failure, sterility, caused lab animals' stomachs to explode... but it's a good cash crop! The corn farmers don't eat the corn they grow. NONE of them! Well not the Monsanto crap anyway. That is all I need to know. Pancreatic cancer, mercury poisoning, brain damage... Because of FRUCTOSE, sugar we get from corn and is in almost everything nowadays, it is estimated that Americans eat 5X the upper limit of allowable mercury.


Why the fructose? It goes back to 1977 when sugar tariffs pushed up the cost of imported sugar so corn syrup fructose became and attractively cheap alternative to the food and beverage manufacturers. As always, it's about the money.


Asparatame is reportedly made from the feces of genetically engineered ecoli bacteria that is fed toxic waste! Now I don't know if that's true but I've had a lot of people tell me to eat shit and die. Maybe I am doing just that! Maybe we ALL are!


Apparently Nazis added sodium fluoride to the water supplies of the labour camps during wartime to make the prisoner population more docile and easier to control. Also it caused sterility. They used one part per million. In some products sold nowadays there are 900 parts per million of the same stuff! And it's legal.


2 cups of flour could have a U.S. F.D.A. allowable 375 insect fragments and 5 rodent hair/feces fragments.


It sure looks like SOMEbody is trying to make us more docile, easy to deal with, and possibly kill us with the food we eat! I've noticed since coming back to Canada that my reflux and stomach constancy has deteriorated. Well they have increased and deteriorated respectively. They both got worse is what I'm sayin. I thought it was just the kinds of foods I've been eating here compared to Korea. Maybe it's the additives IN those foods.


"Chemically treated produce, highly processed foods, and refined ingredients like white flour and sugar cause sickness and disease as well as a host of minor ailments such as digestive issues and lack of energy." Miami Herald


But I'm not all that worried. In fact I think my diet could best be called the opposite of what's supposed to be good for me. I eat eggs and high colesterol butter or margarine all the time. I have plenty of salty snacks on hand at all times in case I feel my blood pressure dropping dangerously low to around what science tells us is normality. Pasta is my friend Atkins-be-damned! I once saw a friend of mine eat an entire loaf of white bread. No jam, peanut butter, butter, just the bread. He is a doctor now. The bread did HIM no harm and I don't think it hurts me at all either even though I eat a LOT. Usually it's not white bread but sometimes... Oil, bring it on! It keeps my coat nice and shiny.


I follow one easy rule at the grocery store: get what's the cheapest. It may be cheap because it is the unhealthily mass produced junk the corporations poison us with, or it may be cheap because the carefully produced, vitimin enriched, low-cal, high fibre, dietary, cholesterol-free, penis enlarging, trans fat friendly, heart-helping, lipophobia-easing, polyunsaturated, hydrogenated, soybean-based, Bulgarian Shepherd approved food requires a little higher sticker price for all that goodness. Not to mention labelling.


Whether food becomes cheaper or more expensive when science, (and the corporate world), starts messing with it is a little too hard for me to ascertain at this time. So I'll take my chances that I am losing years off my life eating what I want. Those years will come off the end of my life when the quality thereof is not so high.


I read some interesting stuff about food in the National Post "Junk Science" week recently. It just made things even more confusing. One of the interesting things written about was the "good bacteria" in yogurt called bacillus Bulgaricus that allegedly prevents mental illness, sexual dysfunction, tuberculosis and scores of other problems including death by heart disease. A lot of this started from a study done by a Russian scientist named Elie Metchnikoff who said that Bulgarian herdsmen, and other yogurt drinkers, lived longer and were free from colon diseases. Even though the health benefits were found to be non-existent, with the help of the media, (and Danone fresh yogurt business), yogurt became all the rage.


It went a bit out of style but has made a recent comeback during this war on fat that has all kinds of political, social, philanthropic, media, corporate, government regulator, surgeon general and celebrity support. I guess a guy named Ancel Keys did a study comparing, again, Bulgarian herdsmen with American businessmen. Overlooking obvious variables such as smoking and stress, Keys concluded that it was high levels of cholesterol that led to so many businessmen dying of sudden heart attacks. So don't quit your job on Wall Street where you rip out your hair and smoke 2 packs every day because of the stress, just have some yogurt and you'll be fine.


You all remember the saturated fat and cholesteral concern that resulted. And you must remember the thousands of products and promotions like "Heart Smart", "Heart Check" and the like. At one point a U.S. government committee had some hearings on diet and killer diseases that included testimony that 98.9% of the world's nutrition researchers believed that there was a connection between blood cholesterol levels and heart disease. Well, in Feb. 2010 there were results published from some better science from 21 lengthy studies using almost 350,000 subjects that conclusively showed no association between saturated fat consumption and risk of heart disease.


The development of this fear-based marketing, and how to create a scientific consensus is fascinating reading! During all of this eggs went from good to bad so many times it's impossible to keep track. Whole milk swung back and forth like the Grim Reaper's scythe too. Margarine was heart-healthy and then artery-clogging. Butter too. Salt once considered essential to human existence is now white death in a shaker.


Polyunsaturated oil was actually considered a health food and Harvard nutritionist Frederick Stare agreed with the Keys "research" and advised swallowing three tablespoons of it every day as medication. But after so many studies TRYING to link saturated fat and heart disease failed, (That's the "junk science." When it's not objective it ain't scientific method. It's amazing how much junk science there is!), he reversed his position and co-authored a book denouncing the cholesterol scare.


The corporate action during this time may be even MORE fun to learn about. The American Medical Association saw a way to get in on the junk science. They supported the movement away from saturated fats but ONLY under, (costly), medical supervision. And long after it became apparent that the cholesterol scare was not based in good science, the AHA actually SOLD the right to use its "Heart Check" symbols to food companies. They got $2500 from Kelloggs for each of its products that sported the symbol including the heart-strengthening Fruity Marshmallow Krispies, and $200,000 to Florida citrus fruit producers for EXCLUSIVE rights to use it. Like only Florida oranges fought heart disease. California oranges were artery cloggers! The AHA got 3.5 MILLION bucks from ConAgra, like Monsanto, one of those companies that nobody knows about but you are probably going to eat one of its products today. You may be eating one NOW! Then in 2000 they introduced a "Heart Healthy" diet that got them an estimated 15 million in endorsements.


Nowadays there's supposed to be a child obesity epidemic. I see a lot of the same tactics being employed here. There's money to be made! The big target seems to be sugary drinks. In New York City they proposed to ban the sale of any sweetened drink in servings bigger than 16 ounces in places like movie theaters, fast food restaurants, sports arenas etc. I smell a rat. Anybody knows that buying more smaller containers will cost more.


Other cities are proposing taxes, like Richmond, California, of one cent per ounce on big drinks. For the good of the kids, of course!


How about one PUSH-UP per ounce? It seems to me that all of this illustrates that people will go pretty far out of their way to avoid two things: 1) lowering stress by maybe sacrificing some work/money and 2) exercise. Kids play more video games than they used to. Parents BUY more. Kids aren't allowed to go outside unless they have a full set of armour on. Even then they could get kidnapped or killed. Kids aren't less active than they used to be, they are KEPT less active. This has more to do with the obesity than what they're drinking. At least that's what I reckon.

Errrrverybody eats more when they exercise less. Sit in front of the computer for an hour and see if you don't think of food. I've been thinking of food the whole time I've been writing this. Or watch TV. Better with a bag of Doritos, right? Now go outside and take hockey shots or play catch with the frisbee for an hour. Bet you won't think of food so often. I love how exercise is mentioned parenthetically in all these discussions about obese children and what they are eating. I think most kids could eat almost anything if they exercised more. Take away all their portable electronic exercise inhibitors and boot them out the house! That's my parenting advice for the day.

But in sedentary societies where kids are obese a more popular refrain is, "Let's just give 'em DRUGS!" There has been talk of screening kids for, you guessed it, high cholesterol levels. Before puberty. Alan Cassels, a drug policy researcher at UVIC and author of the book, "Selling Sickness" says this is just silly. Yeah silly all the way to the bank for statin drugs like Lipitor, Zocor and Crestor that claim they are safe for use on children, (without any scientific research). He explains that most people who have heart attacks have normal cholesterol levels and they are in their 60's or 70's. And he brings up that cholesterol is a substance essential for life. Much like salt being good for you, this fact seems to get swept under the carpet, or thrown over the shoulder.

Like every drug you see being flogged on TV, statin drugs are expensive, huge sellers and they have a list of risks that to any normal person should outweigh the benefits. Usually listed in a few seconds at the end of the commercial by an auctioneer speaking under his breath about anal leakage or semi-permanent heart stoppage or whatever. Kidney failure, cataracts, muscle pain, weakness, and liver damage are more likely effects of statin drugs on kids than reducing obesity. Cassels says that giving kids statin drugs is like drinking Big Pharma's Kool Aid.

So in the end, what do we really know about what we eat? Probably less than we THINK we might know. CERTAINLY less than we are told. I think I'll just eat and drink what I want and what is cheap. If somebody tells me I shouldn't be eating/drinking it because it's bad for my health, I'll just wait ten or fifteen years until science/economics reverses the modern trends and say, "Hey remember that egg I was eating 10 years ago? I TOLD you it was good for me!"

Hedonic Adaptation/Dai Fing and the Delicious Wine

Well... ha ha ha ha haaarrgghh!

If you go right back to the first entry in this, my new Canadian blog, you will understand the joke in that first word. "WORD" was actually a pretty good post. That was a year and two months ago. I've been in Canada well over a year now and it's time for me to take inventory. Am I doing what I promised myself I would do?

For me it was very important to do as many things as I could that I COULDN'T do in Korea, or at least things that were difficult to do or riDQlously expensive. Hah! No DQ in Korea. Been there, done that back in Canada! That's one example. I golfed several times last summer in Smithers and in Victoria. Already golfed once THIS year too! Broke 70 for the first time! I would not have been surprised if I had died an old man, (golfing right up till the bitter end, (in fact expiring on the golf course after getting my first hole-in-one at the age of 90)), never having shot a 69. But that ain't gonna happen! Got a 69 at Mount Douglas Golf Course. Now, it's a short and VERY forgiving course. I pulled several balls not one but TWO holes left and still had a shot to the green. And the par is 62, not the usual 72. So 69 is 7 over par instead of 3 under but I don't care a lick! I got a 69 dude! Golfing is something I told myself to do a lot of since it's even cheaper here than in THAILAND. So I'll give myself a check on THAT account.

As I write this I am enjoying a carrot muffin and a cup, (two cups and two muffins to be precise), of Red Rose Tea. Check and check. Yes, I'm muffin toppin' a bit back here in Canada. It's all this "hedonic adaptation" avoidance I swear! Carrot muffins and carrot cake were tough to find in Asia. I even BAKED a carrot cake since returning home! And as for the Red Rose tea, we all know it's "Ewnleh in Canader eh? Piteh!" I had to drink Lipton in Korea. And it wasn't always easy to find.

A recent study at the University of Missouri, one of a great many that in my opinion are done to verify the obvious and give it a more sciency sounding name, showed that we don't appreciate what we have. Well DUUUH! Glad they spent a holyshitillion dollars researching THAT little nugget of scientific fact! And what they came up with is called, "hedonic adaptation." This is the phenomenon of getting used to, and eventually, (or maybe not so eventually), taking for granted things that you once really appreciated. The cure, these grant-grabbing Missourian researchers tell us, is to appreciate what you have. "Get the most out of what you have before moving on to the next thing," says Kennon Sheldon, one of those jam sandwich researchers. That's a phrase I'm going to coin right here on my blog, folks. Use it frequently! It's a person who is researching something, (and being paid well to do so), that is unnecessary to research. Like those lucky folks who were, (and I'm not making this up), actually given government funding to see if a piece of bread with jam on one side actually DOES land face down when it's dropped more often than jam-side-up. They found that it DOES. Notwithstanding the Mythbusters having busted this as a myth, I still believe it and I still believe it to have been one of the more useless wastes of research money ever. "Jam sandwich research." If this goes viral and becomes a part of the parlance of our times my life will not have been wasted.

Appreciate what you have. I guess that's way too hippie or spiritual or abstract for a lot of folks. They need a good old concrete, factual, double blind study before the idea can be given credence. And much like our friend Mr. Christian, the jam sandwich researchers probably KNOW their studies are the exact opposite of why they became scientists, but what the hay, there's money to be made.

Anyway, this couldn't have been a spiritual truth. No, that's just kindergarten nonsense for the less intelligent. What happened was in my uninformed, unscientific ignorance I fortuitously, (not to say "randomly"), stumbled upon this hard scientific logic before it was researched.

Well, whatever. It was a goal of mine. And I think I'm doing okay. I still stop and smell the freshly cut grass and the million and one different species of flower we have in Victoria. I marvel at the fact that those two cups of tea I just had, (thinking of moving on to Chianti now), were made with water right from the tap. You probably have to do a little traveling before you can appreciate THAT again. If you live in Canada and never leave it you may not know what a privelege that is. The fresh air is something I relish pretty much daily. That's not in danger of hedonic adaptation. The lack of humidity, the different smell of the air, I have definitely not stopped appreciating the weather. Even though Victoria has too much rain and too much wind, I won't complain about the weather here. I haven't had the stifling heat/humidity that makes even naked people wish they could take off a layer of skin. And I am thankful for that every day I don't experience it.

You know what I'm gonna do here? I'm switching in mid blog entry. I was planning to talk about how hard it is to raise kids here in Canada, (I mean without the government forcing you to overprotect them), then say how I am so glad not to be doing it, but I actually lived a little bit of a Taoist allegory while typing this. I've been blogging about how I am trying to take pleasure and joy in the suffering life sends our way. This was going to be a largely positive, pleasure and joyful blog entry but I am just not destined to ever have one I guess. So now in the ilk of some of the greatest stories I've ever read, here is Dai Fing, (my Chinese name), and The Delicious Wine.

Dai Fing was a poor and honourable man. He was a member of the municipal guard. He worked most days at a marketplace in the city of Feng Tran in the prefecture of Bei Shi. Every day while he plodded along the perimeter of the marketplace patroling for man-eating tigers rumoured to be in the area, and climbed the 1001 steps to the top of the twin towers on its outskirts to spy approaching bandits so as to give market-goers early warning, he saw noblemen and wealthy women purchasing goods that would require at least a year of frugal rice rationing for him to buy. Here a man bought a fine golden hair comb for one of his concubines, there a nobleman's wife bought a length of silk redder than beet juice and with a thread count higher than the number of soldiers in the Emperor's service.

Dai Fing was happy in his station, but he often wondered at the cavalier nature with which a man, who in outward appearance was nowise superior to himself, could purchase such precious treasures. Could it be, he pondered, that even the finest Hunan noodle and oxtail stew could grow tiresome? Would even wine from the foreign vinyards to the south not scintillate the tongue after a time? Dai Fing purposed to find out for himself.

One day Dai Fing saw the wealthy land owner Lao Tsu on the market. He approached Lao Tsu carefully and with great respect did not say anything until asked. "What is the reason for your stalking, guard?" "Apologies Lao Tsu. I am a poor man seeking information that is beyond my station." Lao Tsu was pleased at Dai Fing's flattery but feigned annoyance. "And you think a humble man such as myself might help you?" "It is my hope," replied Dai Fing. "Very well, a humble man as myself will help you find what you seek though I fear I will not be of assistance," lied Lao Tsu.

Dai Fing was a lover of wine. He had tasted some of the local vintage and had made some swill of his own but that was all that was available to him. He longed to expand his palate. "What," he inquired of Lao Tsu, "is the most delicious wine in the land that I might buy some and taste of it?" "Guard, I fear you will never find what you seek. Oh find it, you may, but to taste of this wine I despair would require either payment beyond your means or thievery beyond your morals." Dai Fing said, "I thank Lao Tsu for this positive characterization, still may I impose on him to relate to me the name of this vintage?"

Lao Tsu gave Dai Fing the name of the wine. "Shian Ti" it was called. Distilled from the grapes of a far off land it was delectable, particularly with fava beans. After 17 months of careful rationing Dai Fing was able to buy a bottle of Shian Ti. His spirits soared as with half-closed eyes and carefully studied non-chalance he stroked a finger through the air as if chalking it up, then tabled the money while looking almost entirely away. Though the hawker of spirits knew Dai Fing and was aware of his occupation, Dai Fing sensed a superiority over him during the transaction that he had never experienced before. Many onlookers who had witnessed his purchase moved out of his way as he departed. Dai Fing felt the effects of the wine before he even opened it. It was surely a worthwhile expense!

At home Dai Fing found his corkscrew and carefully peeled away the cork covering and twisted the screw deep into the cork. He pulled and the corkscrew came out of the bottle. But there was a click instead of a pop. His locally manufactured corkscrew had snapped approximately a third of the way down the screw so that two thirds of it remained in the cork. The cork had not budged. This did not deter Dai Fing. He went to his box of tools and produced a screw with a Lo Fhat San head and twisted it into the cork. He pulled and the screw came out with small amounts of crumbled cork. He tried again with a more diagonal path of screwage. This time a larger chunk of the cork came with the crumblings but easily 4/5ths of the cork remained in the bottle. Dai Fing decided to try to work the broken corkscrew into the broken cork as far as it would go. It was a success. He pulled as carefully as possible and got another fifth of the cork. The broken piece of the corkscrew was exposed so Dai Fing got some plyers and tried to pull the cork out. This caused great strain on the glass bottle mouth since Dai Fing was using it as a fulcrum for the prying. The bottle mouth shattered on one side sending slivers of glass down to the cork and onto the kitchen floor. Dai Fing shook all the cork and glass out of the yet unopened bottle and into the trash. He tried the corkscrew and the screw several more times to no avail. Then he decided to use a longer, larger spike screw. It went into the cork pushing the corkscrew metal through the bottom and into the wine. The bottom of the spike screw went all the way through the cork and into the wine. When Dai Fing pulled on the spike only cork crumblings issued from the cork. He tried to pour the crumblings into the kitchen sink and a small amount of wine came out. There was now about 2 or 3 fifths of the cork remaining in the bottle. So Dai Fing reckoned, not incorrectly, that if he just pushed the cork down with the spike he could get the wine out of the bottle. It was a success!

His first glass of Shian Ti had cork crumblings around the edge of it. Dai Fing used a spoon to scoop most of them out. He then tasted the wine and it was indeed superlative! He enjoyed the entire bottle and never regretted the purchase.

Comedic Interlude

Have you ever noticed how sometimes cars are a good indication of the people who drive them? It’s almost like automobile fate. Like the magician who drives a Rabbit. The geologist who drives a Topaz. The poet who drives a Stanza. The transvestite who drives a hybrid.

I knew a young girl who was a bit sleazy. She jumped around from boyfriend to boyfriend. Drove a Caprice. Caprice. Capricious. Never satisfied. I shoulda told you you had to study for this. She got old, married a few times and now she has a Caprice Classic. She got pretty rich, all those marriages. Lives in a big house, has a maid… who drives a Duster. Still chasing the young fellas around though in her NEW car, a Mercury Cougar.

Yeah that old gal got around. She wasn’t a hooker though. I DID know a girl who was. She walked the streets for years until she had saved enough to buy her SELF a Hummer. I told her if she had just taken better care of herself she could have had an Escort years before.

I never, uh, used her services though. As far as you know that’s not how I met her. She was friends with a girl I DID know though. Boy was SHE a tease! Dated her for a while and don’t think I even got to second base with her. As I remember she drove a Honda Prelude. Prelude to a shag, that’s what she was.

The day trader who drives a Venture. Math teacher who drives a Matrix. Singer who drives a Soul. Tonto, Robin, Art Garfunkle… they all drove Suzuki Sidekicks.

This reminds me of an accident I saw one time. It was awful. But I couldn’t look away! A Mustang nailed a Pinto, which, of course, exploded then turned into a Pony.

The mayor of my hometown drives a Civic. I know an animal doctor who drives a Vette. My optometrist drives a smart car. Yeah the CDI. (See dee eye?) Hey I know there’s a 5 drink minimum but try to keep up.

You see a lot of male porn stars driving around in Mitsubishi Lancers. And, yes, it’s true… most of them are black.

Another accident I heard about. This Rogue hit a Saloon and somehow ended up on a Quest. Or maybe it was an Odyssey. Anyway, almost rear ended a Ranger AND a Cherokee. But just missed the Fit.

I lived in Korea for 10 years. A buddy of mine just immigrated to Canada last year. He has an Accent. He was gonna buy an Outlander but I told him Canada’s not like that. If it wasn’t for his Accent he woulda got a Patriot.

Yeah he just gets here and already he’s driving around. I’m jealous. I don’t have a car but I really want one. At this point I’ll take anything that runs. I don’t care what it is. I just don’t give a shit. I’ll probably end up with a Cavalier.

Friend of mine thought he’d be smart and buy the cars that would decide his future. He wanted to travel the world and golf so he went out and bought a Lincoln Continental and a Volkswagen Golf. He joined the U.S. Navy, saw all the continents and took some shrapnel in the Persian Gulf. That’s what he gets for messing with his automobile fate.

Then there are these cars with nonsense names. The best ones are things that sound like they might be something. Solara. Sounds like something you put on a burn. Altima. When you come home too late you get that from the wife. Achieva. What you can do if you believa. If you want my impression… well I got the mike, if you want my impression or NOT really. They should change that. If you want my impression here’s Pat Sajack as a character from Sesame Street: “Psssst, hey! Hey you! You wanna buy a vowel?”

Where was I? Whether or not you want my impression, here it is: I WANT the job making up names for cars. Somebody sits around stringing random letters together, banging on the keyboard or rolling Boggle dice: “Qfornk. Does that sound like anything? Could that be anything? Could sell. Never know.” And they get very well paid for every name they sell. Since, as we all now know, people tend to gravitate toward cars that suit their personalities, if I had this job, I’d invent my car names with that in mind. A car for gay men, the Volkswagen Recter. “Recter? Damn near KILLED her!” Car for gay women, the Hyundai Pye. The car I seem destined to drive, the Nissan Hunkajunk. It’s a car for young folks just starting out.

The Nissan Hunkajunk


I’m getting older though. My wife was joking with me in bed the other night. Said I used to be like a Mazda Zoom Zoom. Now I’m more like a Mitsubishi Endeavor. But I’m over 40… a classic. Men over 40 learn what the three most feared words in English are. Not “I love you.” Nope. (rubber glove gesture) “Try to relax.” You gotta get it done though like a good 10,000 kilometer tune-up. Had the old prostate exam, which is misnamed. My proctologist checked more than just the prostate. As Brent Butt, (ironically enough), says, “It’s like a guy fishing around for the last pickle in the jar.” It was uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. But I distracted myself from the discomfort by concentrating on one important thing: that at NO time did he have more than one hand on my shoulder. So when Dr. Seymour Assman was FINALLY done he told me I was his last patient of the day and offered me a ride home… IN HIS BROWN PROBE.

Farewell Lee Jong Beom

Do you know this guy? Probably not, but I would be remiss if I did my weekly blog entry on anything but his retirement. He is a member of my favourite Korean baseball team, the Kia Tigers. Has been since 1993 when they were the Hae Tae Tigers. He is somewhat of a hero in Korea and a SUPERhero in Gwangju, where I spent most of my time while in Korea. Amongst members of the KBO, (Korea Baseball Organization), he is a legend. And to Tigers fans he is a veritable GOD!

Nicknamed "Param I Adeul" or "Son of the wind" for his speed, he stole 73 bases in his rookie season. The next year, 1994, he had his miracle season and his legend took root. Imagine a batting average of .400. It's kind of an unreachable dream in professional baseball. If anyone in any league gets .400 he's an instant phenom! Lee Jong Beom hit .393 in 1994! Absolutely unheard of! Even TWO ninety three is a fantastic average.

Imaginge getting 200 hits. Ichiro gets a 200-hit season every year it seems but he's a freak. 10 seasons in a row I think. A FREAK! But other than him and Gwynn, who are probably the two best hitters ever, you check out 200-hit seasons and the list reads like an All Star game roster. But usually it only happened once or maybe twice for the players on the list. The majors have a 162-game season while the KBO only plays a 133-game campaign. He got 196 hits in '94. That's well over a 200-hit season in the majors.

Imagine stealing 100 bases. You have to go back to the 80's when Vince Coleman and Ricky Henderson were just running every single time they got on base to see the last time that happened in the majors. They got thrown out a lot too and although I don't have that stat for Lee Jong Beom, he got 84 stolen bases in 1994 and I KNOW he had a much better stealing percentage than Henderson or Coleman. And here's a mind-blowing stat: he hit into 2 double plays. TWO!

The next year the Tigers came in fourth place when Lee Jong Beom was doing his mandatory military service. They won the series the next year while he was still in the military and the year he got out of the military, they won it again. He missed the two seasons following arguably the best year of anyone EVER in the KBO! How many nights of sleep have been lost by how many Tiger fans contemplating what he might have done if he weren't doing push-ups and marching for his country in '95 and '96? Like those two lost years, it will always be a mystery.

He had some other great seasons too. In 1997 he got 30 homers and 60 stolen bases. You know how many times that has been done in the majors? None. The 30-30 club is VERY exclusive. And only 4 guys have done the 40-40 thing. But NEVER a 30-60 man! He also had 25-57 and 20-50 years.

He was a major part of the Hae Tae Tigers winning 2 of their 9 KBO championships in a 15 year stretch. And he won ONE glorious championship with the KIA Tigers, while I watched. He has never missed a KBO All Star Game. He has an amazing career in international baseball for Korea. His career was a classy as could be, but everyone knew the day was coming when Lee Jong Beom would hang up the cleats, put the glove in the garage, and swap the chewing tobacco for sunflower seeds.

It was tonight. Or technically tomorrow night. I was up at 3 AM watching the ball game. Though it was often in doubt, thankfully the Tigers pulled out the win for their fifth in a row. And Lee Jong Beom had the game of his LIFE! 8 hits, 5 walks, 6 runs, 6 RBI's, a win, a save and 5 strike-outs! I told you he was a stud! Then the lights were turned down and in flies Lee Jong Beom on a parasail fan bike dealy with sparks coming out the rear end. Only for a guy like Lee Jong Beom would I sit through the ensuing shmaultz! Korea! Sometimes they can pile on the cheese. At one point they were singing one of his songs which translates into "Lee Jong Beom, Lee Jong Beom, get a hit Lee Jong Beom" and he wasn't even on the field. A bit hokey but I didn't care. It was a pretty good tribute.

My favourite part was the fact that every player wore a jersey with Lee Jong Beom's number 7 AND his name on the back! Hence the bloated stat line above.

Never seen that before. Hats off to the KBO for allowing them to do that! I've said it before and I'll say it again: it was the very best thing about Korea.

I cheered for Lee Jong Beom and sang his cheer songs the whole 10 seasons he was a Kia Tiger. My favourite was the Pepsiman superhero music after which all the fans shouted LEE JONG BEOM! That's pretty much how we think of him. Even though Pepsiman was a bit of a blunderer, he was a superhero, and so was Lee Jong Beom.

I have taken quite a few pictures of him in action, one of which he heard me ask for and posed. That was a highlight of my baseball watching career in Korea. If there were ANY place in the entire country of Korea where a guy my size could get a Kia Tigers jersey, (that was embroidered, not iron on), I would have one with his number 7 and name on it. I tried for YEARS to find one but to no avail. I STILL want a shirt like that! Now more than ever.

If you ask a true Tiger fan who his/her favourite player is they'll probably have 2. I am a true Kia Tiger fan and if asked I would say, "Yoon Seok Min... and Lee Jong Beom, of course." He is tied for the favourite player of anyone who really gets Tiger baseball. He is one of those guys whose influence on the franchise is immeasurable and I must admit I got a tear in my eye while watching the farewell ceremonies. I'll miss seeing number 7 taking his cuts and tracking down fly balls in the field but he had a great career and went out with class. Farewell Lee Jong Beom.

What's Your Point?

We've all seen this if we are followers of any sport to any degree. There's an awful lot to talk and think about here so I love it for that reason. On the other hand I got thinking yesterday about how dearly I would just ONE time love to see an athlete get a goal, basket, homerun, knock out, touchdown, try, century, ace, touche, or whatever, and then point to the ground. In all likelihood that would be taken as a salute to the Evil One or the polar opposite of the point to the sky, and maybe therein lies the source of most of the controversy over these gesticulationary celebrations.

After watching the above video we all know the runner should in all fairness be pointing at the two guys who harmlessly bounced off him feebly attempting tackles. A sort of, "Thank you for sucking" point that would ALSO probably get him into trouble. His second best option would have been a self-chest slap, a point to his feet or quadraceps, or a Hulk Hogan jersey rip muscle flex although again we're entering into excessive celebration penalty territory. Even a point to the coach to acknowledge the brilliant choice of play would have made a lot more sense. To me.

I understand the religious reverence behind a lot of these celebrations and that the player may not be thanking the Man upstairs for including that particular play in His predetermined destiny for the cosmos but for giving him the health, wealth and good fortune to be in a country, family and state of circumstance that allowed him to practice football and reach the skill level that enabled that previous play to take place. But for some, yeah, they are. They are thinking God took the time to write their meaningless little game into the great Master Plan for this universe. For THEM I think the point to the ground I'd like to see symbolizes digging. Digging for clues, facts, knowledge, etc. However, I suspect that a point to the ground, in some games, in some areas, just might be appropriate in that that's where the athlete will be soon enough after the God-fearing spectators charge the field and lynch the poor misunderstood touchdown celebrator.

Willful ignorance is something I think there is no excuse for in this age where if we have ANY desire for knowledge we can so very easily find out what we want. Or at least read the theories. Even in matters of spirituality, which I believe are properly pursued in absence of proof, scientific or otherwise, I cannot abide those who put such exuberence into statements and shows of belief and so little into boning up on exactly what it is they are announcing to the world that they believe.

Thank you Heather for forwarding this absolutely perfect example of what I'm talking about! The Bible verse tattooed on this joker's arm is Leviticus 18:22 forbidding men to lie with men as they would with women for it is an abomination to the Lord. "Well," thought Joker, "seems clear enough. I'll just get some permanent scar on my flesh to proclaim to the world that I believe this." Tattoo of Leviticus 18:22 forbidding homosexuality: $200. Not knowing that Leviticus 19:28 forbids tattoos: priceless. "Do not scar your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:28 Context is a BITCH!

Leviticus also says no pig shall be eaten for though its foot is cloven it chewith not the cud. Camel on the other hand chewith the cud but its hoof is not cloven so don't eat that either. And no blood of any kind so any steak should be well done. And you shouldn't trim your beard or round the edges of your head, I guess this might mean haircuts?, (???). And in your burnt offerings salt, oil and frankinsence are a must but no leaven. No honey either. Never, never. Wonder if that's on Joker's OTHER arm...

Ever hear the song, "The Boxer"? "Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest." It's a psychological principal with absolutely no scientific proof but it's pretty obvious to Simon, Garfunkel and me. When we live life there are plenty of examples of human behaviour to back this up. Scientific method is our perception and replication is what happens when we've been on the Earth for a while. It's quite interesting how the mind seems to work. Even without a complete and concise understanding of why a person believes something, they will fill in blanks, assume and often in the face of massive contrary persuasion cling to their belief all the more desperately! We have psychological theories that back this up, and although I am only a half believer in psychological theories, (I believe in the logical, not the psycho part of it), they make sense.

"Closure" is one that I think is coming into play when people's belief systems are incomplete and they just don't care.

This picture is a good example of how we can ALL see things that aren't there. Well, I should never say, "all". There may be some people who can't see in this picture the face of Satan but let's move on, shall we?

Assumption is another one. We will readily assume bridges from the unknown to the confortable if it brings us back to what we want to believe or hear. And we often assume the worst as this

awesome song by the Arrogant Worms shows us. See what you miss not living in Canada?

So I guess what I'm saying is that even though a person can't, (in my opinion), possibly find evidence that God made me score this touchdown, I think it is wise for athletes who are going to brazenly brandish their beliefs in endzones, at home plate or on any field of play, to try to come to some idea, free from psychological shortcuts like closure and assumption of how their success came about. Learning is born of contention. I want my athletes to question and look for answers, not just do what they're told. THEN if they want to signal a shout-out they might not be so maligned. Who knows, they might not even be penalized.

So back to the pointing at the ground. The ground being the most natural thing on the field, (assuming it isn't Astroturf I suppose), next to the players themselves. I've played a lot of sports. And when I'm not playing them, like, ohhh the last 15 years or so, I'm watching them. If an athlete playing basketball is a foot taller than anyone else then he should celebrate a dunk by pointing to a ruler. If a swimmer has webbed feet he should point to them after breaking an Olympic record. But assuming the athletes are of similar talent, strength, size and conditioning, which they usually are nowadays, I believe there IS something that can set a player apart. It's a natural phenomenon. It has been called many things in sport: being in the zone, going with the flow, being on fire, being on one's game, feeling it, riding the bull, what have you. And having experienced this, (and can't at this moment think of anything I'd rather experience), I think it is this natural/spiritual kind of trip that these skyward pointing athletes may be giving God credit for. And I'm not saying they're wrong, I just question the point to the sky. Maybe like a father, who KNOWS some of his genes were responsible for his athletic child's success, when that child gets on camera and says, "Hi, Mom!"

Buddy, the narrator of some of my favourite short stories written by J.D. Salinger is in awe of his older brother, Seymour's athletic abilities. He asks Seymour one day how he can improve his marble playing and Seymour says, "Don't aim so much."

There is a Taoist allegory of a cook who worked for Prince Wen Hui who the prince saw carving up an ox one day. When the prince compliments the cook on his "art" the cook says it goes beyond an art. "The senses stop functioning and my spirit takes over," explained the cook. "A good cook changes his knife once a year becuase he cuts, while a mediocre cook has to change his every month because he hacks. I've had my knife for 19 years and have cut up thousands of oxen with it yet the edge is as if it were fresh from the grindstone."

How to get ready access to this "zone" this spiritual athleticism is the mystery. I think humility is a large part of tapping in to it. Almost every athlete I can think of who attained this athletic evanescent gift for an extended period of time has been extremely humble. Gretzky, Jordan, Rice, Gwynn, you LOSE that humility and - Tiger Woods. But my question is how humble IS the skyward point? It could, I suppose be viewed as giving credit to God but couldn't it also be taken and even MEANT as an unbelievably arrogant statement that the pointing athlete has somehow gained the favour of a God who has neglected the other athletes? And wouldn't then a point to the ground signifying, "I will remain grounded and won't let this success go to my head," be preferable?

I don't subscribe to the idea of punishing celebration like the NFL, (No Fun League), does. I just like to see athletes who celebrate appropriately and give credit where credit is due. The skypoint makes me want to throw a flag at the athlete like the ref in the video. Or SOMETHING...

The vid at the top was from a high school game. American high school football games attract more viewers in the States than NHL games. "Even wise men can't deal with fame and wealth." At least that's what the ancient wisdom says. For the young guys just think about what you're doing and how it will be interpreted by others. Actually think about it BEFORE you do it.

P.S. There's no face of Satan in the closure pic. I was just joshin'. Why did you see one?

The Mother of All Blog Entries

She doesn't think of me as a "fixer-upper"
She doesn't make gourmet dinners, she cooks supper
People talk when she enters a conversation, not a room
She always smells great wearing Freshly Cut Grass perfume
She'll kiss no toads ESPECIALLY if they're rich
She's not a selfish, corporate, diva bitch
She'll scratch my back if I do or don't have an itch
She won't take an I.O.U. when it's time to switch
She baits her own hooks, can explain the blue line trap
She'll say, "Hey, me too!" if I'm having a beer or a nap
She gets the utter futility of making a bed
She never tires of combing a bald guy's head
She likes my writing and says it's "ever so smart"
She secretly believes it might be art
She won't stroke my ego. She saves me from myself
If it sucks, she'll tell me. Like when I rhyme "self" with "self"
She's the love of my life. She'll spoil me for any other
She's the woman I want to be my children's mother
Surfreudipusly she resembles my Mom in some ways
I sure hope we can share many future Mother's Days

The Big Band Theory

The Big Band Theory

Long ago there was the past, ere that the beginning.
A time when wasn’t was and nothing was a being.
Before the void was brought to be, nothing brought from no thing,
from naught was wrought a symphony and Music, she did ring!

Most who played we know today as deities sublime.
The Muslim, Hindu, Christian Gods that transcend space and time.
And not yet born, in a previous life was Siddhartha Gautama,
a pre-reincarnated bonus to the diorama.

The Buddha played a bamboo flute, the bonsuri it’s called,
before he knew the plant bamboo, before his head was bald.
He swung and swayed his beaded braids and on his pipe he blew
a formative, creative tune. The essence of the new.

Yahweh, they say, was hot that day. He blasted the shofar
He’d made by hand from the horn of a ram. He’d made no rams so far.
With flurry and flourish the song was nourished by the Great Jehovah.
A signature shift, a solo riff, and the song went super-nova!

Brahman can play double reed shehnai. He can charm any snake from its jar.
He brought Vishnu and Shiva too – lead and rhythm avatar.
His shehnai tones they chilled the bones and cut the air like a knife,
and don’t look now but, holy cow, the music came to life!

Allah was there though He does not care so much for music and dance.
He played His ney like a French horn way before there was French or France.
Every note took its place in the vastness of space no longer in the abstract.
The first jam session in music’s progression was a highly creative act!

The Supreme Ultimate of Taoist renown breathed into a dizi while he sat down
and things started being as he looked around.
The planets, the air, the water the ground.
Then as fast as they started, they ended the sound.

The talent was fine, right down the line, but something seemed to lack.
They hung their instruments to dry upon the same spit rack.
The rack was abandoned, it might have been random, horns and pipes were forlorn.
The ooze primordial on the floor did comingle, behold, an amoeba was born!

Mr. Christian

Because I am single and need very little I sometimes forget the importance money has on people’s lives and how it can affect their public displays of faith and sometimes even their actual faith itself. Let me caution the reader that I don’t necessarily mean spiritual or religious faith. I am talking about membership in communities of business, occupation, philosophy, science, sports, politics, so many social arenas in which like-mindedness can be perceived as so important that it supersedes what is right and often even what the individual genuinely believes.

The easiest example of what I’m talking about IS, of course, religion or, the less disparaging, more accurate term, “spirituality.” If you’ve been to as many churches as I have you’re bound to have seen one or two of those poor lost souls who spent so much money, time and effort going through seminary, Bible college, or other spiritual training, gathered a flock of believers, built a church, and finally provided for themselves and their families a decent living only to meet with some circumstances or some knowledge that caused them to completely change their minds and lose their faith. Perhaps the loss of a child or spouse, a visit to an economically disadvantaged area, shaking hands with Dick Cheney, witnessing a natural disaster or something of that nature that would call almost any spiritual optimism into question has rendered them non-believers. But it would be a shame to waste all the years of study, the struggle, and of course MONEY! It might not even be possible to start again. So they just continue on robotically going through the motions. But now phrases of faith that once made their spirits soar with joy feel like acid dripping from their tongues. They sweat at the pulpit hoping instead of praying that the congregation doesn’t see the spirit being sucked out of them by the very words that used to enliven their hearts. Maybe the one and only thing they desire more than the ability to just defrock and scream at the top of their lungs, “I am a complete fraud!” is just making it through one more day with their families’ financial affairs intact.

As I become more worldly, well-read and misinformed, I am beginning to see this character partly obscured by the misinformation but unmistakeable nonetheless cropping up in so many instances that I am going to give him a name. Henceforth he shall be known in this entry, and possibly others, as Mr. Christian. Okay?

Now as I said this is not just a phenomenon of the church. And though it is a heinous state of affairs for the victim, I am learning to almost welcome the recognition of Mr. Christian since the alternative for me has usually been rage and/or wonder at the inexplicable fatuousness of humanity. Yes before I formally made the acquaintance of Mr. Christian I thought an awful lot of people were unwilling brain donors and halfwits. But now I know they are suffering with a spiritually degenerative disease the only treatment of which seems to be either mind altering drugs, stacks of cash or a combination of the two. I am sensing the reader may know a Mr. Christian or two but wants me to provide an example, maybe two. I’d be glad to oblige.

We ignore a million miracles a day. I believe that if a person could concentrate hard enough; could educate his/her soul; could match his/her spiritual vibration with the frequency of all nature so that we could just be aware of every miracle we confront in a single day there would be no religious bickering. We would all just KNOW the truth, the light, the Tao and debate would be so unnecessary it would not be a consideration. But then life would be too easy wouldn’t it? I don’t believe God can be proved or disproved. But I also believe that the desire for proof, the necessity of it is a very human and unenlightened idea. The Christians say Heaven is within you and every man has been given the measure of faith. Taoists believe that the Supreme Ultimate is beyond the power of human words to describe or human thoughts to encompass. But each person has in his/her mind a concept of it. If one is true to one’s Self and follows Its teachings, who need be without a teacher? God is not something you can PROVE, we have to just “be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)

Ah, but the fools have their teachers too. Words seem different from the chirping of birds but is there really a difference? When I hear guys like Richard Dawkins chirping on about how nature is an inanimate, unintelligent, non-sentient, unfeeling force yet it makes selections, (natural selection-a moron’s oxymoron), to purposefully bring about strategic genetic mutations, I am positive I see Mr. Christian! This is just one of many examples of things Dawkins writes about and lectures about that are now very commonly called, “scientifically proven theories.” HUH? It’s almost painful to watch him try to overjargonize and slickly sophistrate theory after theory that has pseudoscientific backing at best and hard science DISproving it far beyond that which science deems scientifically necessary. If you watch him closely he’ll usually resort to the “I know you are but what am I” argument. Has nothing changed since the kindergarten sandbox? What I mean is tomorrow you might just hear Dawkins say, “Overzealous religious fanatics try to prove God using theory after theory that has pseudoscientific backing at best and hard science DISproving it far beyond that which science deems scientifically necessary.” He has become what he has learned to hate and it’s eating away at him. He’s like a criminal who wants to be caught. And because I chose to read him before I criticized him, I will never question his intelligence or his way with words. That’s why I just KNOW he can’t believe the crap he’s shoveling. But it IS still keeping him a high paid guest speaker and best-selling author amongst those who will ingest just about anything as long as there isn’t a deity as one of the ingredients.
I think to date his most brilliant accomplishment was figuring out how to defrock himself in front of his flock of disbelief-suspenders announcing that he is a fraud without looking like a complete and utter plonker. He actually did it when he said that he is “6.9 out of 7 positive that God does not exist.” That satisfied his hordes of previously convinced while at the same time giving God a 1 in 70 chance of existence. This, when you consider the scientifically calculated odds of the simplest new species being formed by genetic mutation was 1 in 3.6X10 to the 2738th power against, is a virtual admittance of God.

Chuang Tsu says if one side is right while the other is wrong and the other is right while the one is wrong, the best thing to do is look beyond the right and wrong. I think this means that only trivialities lend themselves to bickering and quarrels. Another smart man, Hannibal Lecter once said, “Look inside yourself.” For that which is important I think this is good advice.

I also get a bit tired of the politician/businessperson, (because, who’s kidding who, are they really separate entities nowadays?), command performances any time there is a “March On” protest these days. Talking about “ill-defined messages,” “general incoherence,” comparing to Stalin’s Russia, showing pictures of one dumb, pot-smoking, bandwagon-jumping, dissident who with his flattened out beer case made the sign, “Tax the rich,” and saying, “Gee, we just don’t get it! We can’t understand! We want to help but you aren’t making your message clear to us!” Then you see some sycophantic columnist hoping to score some points with the 1%, (which in Canada starts at around 250,000 bucks a year REPORTED income and we all know that a stat like this has a very high degree of variability), or at least be invited to one of their New Year’s Eve parties write a column entitled, “TAKE from the RICH.” And in the column the obvious issue that the whole world knows is never mentioned: We just want the rich to be taxed EVENLY. Warren Buffett did not say his secretary was taxed more than him, he said she was taxed at a higher RATE than him. I heard from a reliable source, Geoff Loomer a former tax lawyer and professor of law at Dalhousie U. that any Canadian making half a million a year in Nova Scotia should not be paying taxes. Any Canadian making a million a year in Nova Scotia ISN’T. What do you figure the numbers for Ontario and B.C. would be?

THIS is the truth folks. Somebody in a position a bit too powerful got a bit too drunk and let the cat out the bag. That’ll happen in Nova Scotia. If you throw in facts like capital gains tax has been provincially and federally eliminated for the rich, though the rest of us poor schmucks still pay it; a euphemism I love “tax shelters” abound for the rich and they don’t have to go to the Cayman Islands, the Cayman Islands come to them; the entrance fees for immigrant investors – never used to improve Canada as is ostensibly their purpose; you have to BE a millionaire to be an immigrant investor in Canada, nothing else; there is a competition for the most obscene tax waste in Canada every year that includes things like Quebec plows plowing roads with no snow on them getting government employees work despite weather conditions and getting government employees work in the summer repairing damaged roads; and you throw in your worst waste of Canadian tax payers money here; it seems to me like the middle class in Canada is getting a political rodgering like the H & R Block commercial. You’ve seen it. The one where the doctor is viewing the behind of the patient and diagnosing the problem as “tax pains.” At least I think it’s an H&R Block commercial. That’s Canada in a nutshell. Victims of annual political sodomy and still keeping that stiff upper lip! The fact is the very wealthiest of Canadians are able to arrange their taxes so that they are paying nothing. This makes the oh-so-usual reasons for paying taxes here ring a little tinny eh? “You have a civic duty!” “If you don’t pay tax you can’t complain about the government.” “It is tantamount to treason to avoid your patriotic duty to your country.”

Perhaps the bigger issue here is what do the folks with all the REAL money hear? THEY’RE the ones who need to hear all this. They're the ones taking every opportunity NOT to help their own country. And they are the ones best equipped, (since they are filthy rich and won't notice the expense), to do so. The middle class of Canada, who feel the pinch to a greater degree, is supporting this country and if I were prime minister I would give them ALL a few years OFF taxes altogether! TAX the RICH! EVENLY! It’s pretty simple. SO simple that you absolutely KNOW these politicians, who, let’s face it, even though we might hate their guts, are chosen for their intelligence, they KNOW they are chosen for their abilities to ameliorate the masses. I don’t want to be ameliorated any more! I want to be dealt with as someone who is worthy of putting in the effort for! I don’t want to be addressed from parliament by Mr. Christian any more! These phonies may have once believed that they were in it to help Canada and the people of our wonderful country but money has a way of changing all that. If they could THEY would all scream from the Rocky Mountaintops that they are frauds. But alcohol and one good deed in ten keeps them thinking that they are not damaging the social fabric of the nation.

I am sure I could go on and on with the snakeoil salesmen and three-card corner practitioners I think are just a bunch of Mr. Christians who have realized that their faith is gone long after the realization that their faith is unnecessary to the furtherance of their profession. But I don’t want to tax my reader too much. This is already too long. I invite you to give my comments about your own Mr. Christians. I’m sure you have them…

The Bees Knees

A bee

staggers out

of the peony.

Matsuo Basho

This is why so many people loved Basho. There’s a LOT here in just 7 words! Do bees get drunk? Do they enjoy it? Yes they DO on ethanol in fermented nectar , (it’s kinda like mead I guess), and I like to think yes they DO enjoy it after all the hard work they do! And for all but the completely wild bees, which are few and far between, practically all their work goes for naught anyway. Their honey, or almost all of it, is just stolen by beekeepers. So I can relate! They NEED that fermented nectar! At least by my way of thinking. And don’t kid yourself, a good portion of that buzzing is exactly that! Their buzzing about the injustices inherent in the system. “Why can’t any of the males lift a finger to help around here? And the queen thinks she’s all that and a bag of pollen! And what is up with the Great White One? I know he’s all powerful and he gives us some of that really great sugar water now and then and all but geez why can’t we have a deity that’s satisfied with maybe like 10%? Can you imagine how sweet that would bee???”

Basho, Lao Tzu, J.D. Salinger, Henry David Thoreau – what do they all have in common? They all, in their own ways and for varying lengths of time, separated themselves from society and pursued lives of quiet contemplation as hermits in the wilderness. They chose to separate themselves from relentless warfare, human suffering, injustice and unresponsive governments. One other thing they have in common is that they all share my admiration, and more than a little of my envy, for having the balls and the wherewithal to have done so. How many of us haven’t wished we could do it? Come on. You know you have! Only thing that keeps me from doing it right now is that it’d be really hard to get high speed internet.

These are the little pleasures. Internet, junk food, cable, getting staggering drunk now and then. They keep us from cutting bait and heading for the hills. Oh yeah, and if you’re not like me you have the societally mandated spouse, two kids and a dog each of which comes with plenty of trappings that keep you all from building your own shacks on your own Walden Ponds. Friends, family, social obligations, we all impose upon ourselves… or do we? What if these are all just figments of our socially fortified sentimental, mystic perceptions of what life ought to be? What if all these ideas are systematically implanted THROUGH the things we enjoy, (like TV, computers, games, reading), all for the singular purpose of keeping us from packing up the Chevy and driving to Walden Pond? In other words, keeping us around making more honey. For someone else!

There is an idea known in the East as “Wu Wei.” Roughly translated it is enlightened non-action in place of the hustle and bustle of “busy-work” for its own sake. There is a saying In the West known as “Woo Wee!” roughly translated as “Yeehaw,” “Fuckin’ A,” or “NOW yer talkin’!” They are virtually identical. Why do we force ourselves to do what we KNOW we don’t want to? I think a little discipline is good but come ON! Even BEES like to get pissed once in a while! We can’t keep pushing ourselves so hard! If we do we are going to have a major breakdown in our society and we will be FORCED to make a drastic change! The bees already HAVE in my opinion!

THIS requires a new paragraph! Most of us have heard of the disappearance of the bees. It’s no secret. If you get out at ALL you will probably have noticed fewer bees in the cherry blossoms of spring; fewer bees in the clover to accidentally step on; fewer bees to help perform the ecologically essential jobs of pollination and germination so that we have FOOD… yeah they’re just kinda gone. Beekeepers all over North America have noticed drops in their bee numbers. Significant, in fact DRASTIC drops. Plenty of explanations have been offered up. Maybe it has to do with the new style of farming that has so many farmers specializing in one single crop and planting HUGE acreages with that one crop only. This gives the bees only one short flowering/pollinating/germinating season. The rest of the time there’s nothing but patio flowers and rose bushes around the farmers’ houses. Others would guess that it could be pesticides like Roundup produced by our friendly neighbourhood Satanic evildoers known as Monsanto that are poisoning the bees. Well even though Monsanto is the cancer of all the diseases that threaten our environment, I have to wonder where all the bees are. The weird thing is that the bees are disappearing but the beekeepers haven’t found that many bee carcasses. And I KNOW that bees sometimes get pollen and nectar from plants that are toxic to humans. The honey they make from the nectar from these plants is actually poisonous to humans! Hold that thought for a while.

I’ve been out looking at the cherry blossoms in Korea and Canada. I always take notice of the bees, or lack thereof. I’ve seen the stories of farmers in the States who just can’t get their crop quotas without help from the bees so they have to fly bees in from Australia cuz the local guys they’ve dealt with for years just don’t have the populations. Then they haul those poor bees across the country and back by the truckloads.

My stepfather is a beekeeper and he gets all his honey from way WAY deep in the woods of British Columbia where it’s harder and a bit more dangerous to get at. It is my well-informed, (though admittedly imaginative), theory that the bees are simply going Thoreauian on our asses. Or Bashoian or Laotzuian or Salingerian! They’re sick of the injustices in their world like all of these authors. Shorter flowering seasons; farther to fly for flowers; wages decreasing while the cost of living is on the rise; and a government/God who is taxing their thoraxes AND posteriors off! They’re going native. It’s my guess that we will soon be stumbling on ENORMOUS colonies of bees in remote jungles and uncharted wilderness where they can keep ALL their honey, grow fat and work a HELLUVA lot less. I think it’s most likely that the honey they are producing will be strategically infused with nectar from various plants that are poisonous to thieving human beings. If not the bees will probably just Africanize. Ever heard of killer bees? That’s what I’m talking about. Guarding their hives from the greed of humanity that was the scourge of their previous existence. How can you blame them?

I tell you I’m a little bit surprised the bees have beaten us humans to it. I guess the fact that we are cognitive and more in touch with our intellectual sides while the bees are totally natural accounts for this failing on our part. But there’s no time like that present to be like the bees.

The Tao of Immigration

Imagine you're from South Korea, Taiwan, or China, (and that includes Hong Kong now don't forget). You're a multi-millionaire, and that's dollars, not Yuen, Renminbi or won or whatever. How did you make so much money? I have never met a Hong Kong Chinese business man but I know tons from Korea and some from China and Taiwan and with apparently no shame at all they will TELL you how they made their fortunes if you've had a drink or two with them: by screwing their own people and usually hurting the environment. Now they won't come right out and SAY that, you have to ask the right, (or wrong), questions and lead them down the garden path for a bit before you get a mea culpa smile, maybe a shoulder shrug and a statement like, "I made it the way everybody ELSE makes money in my country," or, "That's the way we do business. Always has been," or, "If I didn't do it, somebody ELSE would have," or, "Hey, who's PAYING the check here? Stop asking questions like that."

The regular people in those countries think you are adorably naive if you believe there is any such thing as an honest businessman. But all those folks who remember scumbag real estate scam artists or land barons who stomped them and their loved ones on their way to the top spit as they say their names but given half a chance, would do exactly the same thing. Just imagine every single Chinese movie ever made only substitute business for Kung Fu. When they are too young to fight back their mother or father or grandfather is killed by a rogue Kung Fu artist. They have nothing but hatred for that murderer but MAD respect for his Kung Fu. They know they must dedicate their entire lives to acquiring superior skills with which to defeat him.

So anyway, imagine that's you. You are the rich Asian rogue businessman who Kung Fu fought your way to the top of the business world. You're in a quandary. You're living large in your country but you know people only ACT like they don't want to chop you up like a Beni Hana chef and stirfry your ass because, let's face it, you're filthy rich and they have MAD respect for your corruption skills. But they all hate you. You've lied to, cheated and stolen from them all. In the course of your "business" you've taken the financially successful and socially accepted cavalier environmental attitude that has left your country a wasteland, or hastened it down the road to becoming one. You say to yourself, "You know what? It's probably a good time to leave this festering nuclear swamp with air that gives me smoker's cough and water that makes my hair fall out when I swim in it and do some 'business' elsewhere."

In a recent Wall Street Journal article we find, not surprisingly, that half of China's millionaires want to leave their country. The other half just said they didn't want to leave because they're scared the Chinese Communist Party might put them in a torture - I mean "forced labour" camp or harvest their organs or something. 37% of the 50% who said they want to get the Fu Manchu outta Dodge listed Canada as a top emmigration destination. Canada admits a reported 3000 immigrant investors a year along with their families. There is a waiting list of 25,000 wealthy folks largely made up of Asian Kung Fu businessmen, (with their families that's about 90,000 people), White Crane Hammerpunching on Canada's door to be let in as I write this.

Now imagine you're a Canadian immigration officer. You're thinking, "What are the chances that these guys will come to Canada and live as law-abiding, corruption-free, environmentally friendly citizens of their adopted country? Survey said - XXX (bzzzt)! Oh too bad. And what are the odds that they can be assimilated into our society without disrupting our social systems with their deeply instilled and massively different customs, and the huge influx of disposable cash that will drive the cost of damn near everything through the roof because, hey, THEY can afford it? Ooooh WHAMMY! I'm sorry." Yes Canadian immigration officers DO have game show hosts for consciences.

But you know what? For one reason only, (gue$$ what that i$), Canada says, "Ah, what the hell come on in anyway and make our country your home and non-native land." Oh wait a minute, did I say Canada says that? Sorry 'bout that I sometimes think we ARE the democratic country we're constantly assured we are. What I mean is the government says this without asking the rest of Canada what we think.

If you're like me and have seen a few Asian businessmen in action you think, "How can these amoral, corporate-minded, profit-at-all-cost, sociopathic masters of the dark side of the Force possibly be any good for Canada?" I am reminded of a story. While teaching at a Chinese ESL school in Burnaby one of my students, a business major who is now probably doing business in China or maybe even Canada, said to me, "Do you know the difference between our two countries? In Canada you have one guy who wants to cut down 100 trees. In China we have 100 guys who want to cut down 1 tree." This is the way they try to justify their actions in their heads. I said, "First of all one guy in Canada would not cut down the 100 trees. He would cut down 50 and PLANT 100. If we had only one tree NObody would even be considering cutting it down. Maybe this is one of the reasons for the difference between our two countries." He said he'd never considered it that way but such a thing could never happen in China.

It's hard to imagine a way to make it worth our while in Canada when these types of people are the ones we are inviting into our lives. But Halleluiah there IS a Way! Me and Mohammed Yunus know a way! The word "Tao" translates into "the way." The Asian businessmen trying to get into Canada know the way and are just hoping they make it here before we stop being such numbskulls and explore it.

I recently watched a really great British documentary on China and in it the British host is talking to a couple Chinese owners of a mine in Africa. He asked them how the local workers were and the answer was that they are not as good as Chinese. "Chinese people only work, they do not like to have fun." People like these see friendliness, kindness, graciousness in business as weaknesses to be exploited. They think it's just stupid to be nice. Nice=stupid.

Here's a gal at a self serve yogurt place with a tip jar. Is tipping nice or stupid? They don't much care. I don't know how many years Canada has been letting in 3000 foreign investors every year but it's becoming VERY clear that we've been too nice. And believe it or not the Canadian conservative government in their ceaseless quest to make Canada ALL ABOUT money has noticed.

There is one thing you need to be chosen as one of the successful candidates for immigration into Canada for business purposes: money. Guess how much it is. It's a paltry $800,000! That's a lot of chicken scratch to the average person but these foreign investors are anything BUT the average citizens of their countries. Of ANY country! And if you take a good look at what the country of Canada is giving them for their 800 grand, it's just not worth it to Canada. Then when you think about what's been happening after they've paid that money it's REALLY not worth it. I think I heard our immigration minister saying it's like selling 5-dollar pie for 50 cents. The Harper government wants to double the price of their pieces of our pie to 1.6 mil. I say why stop there? You see what these mostly Asian businessmen know is that Canada is a foreign investor's wet dream! Wide open spaces, fresh air, "nice" people, enormous tax breaks created by the Canadian government, (again, not the Canadian people), one of my favourite euphemisms: tax "shelters" so there is absolutely no reason ANY tax will be paid for doing business here, and oil, iron ore, lumber and all kinds of other natural resources that have not been madly scrambled for by a bunch of Shao Ling scheisters, but carefully managed and in some cases RENEWED by these "NICE NICE" people. 25000 people on the waiting list. That should be a tip off. There are investors falling all over themselves to get into Canada before this bargain goes away. I think the sale is over. Time to make the price reasonable.

But what is a reasonable price? 1.6 million? I'm sorry that won't even cover the tuition hikes that people in Quebec and all over Canada are so upset about. If I went to my course in my University right now it would cost me 10 times what I paid in tuition. To Asians who think nothing of spending half their income or more on their kids' educations that's not too bad a price. To RICH Asians it's nothing. Do you suppose there's a correlation between rising tuition in Canada and these 3000 rich families a year coming to Canada with kids who need to go to school?

How about 2 million then? Nope. That's not even going to cover the jacked up green fees at my local golf course that now has two of every foursome consisting of Asians decked out in top of the line equipment and fashion which they bought with the money they saved paying 100 bucks instead of 300 bucks for green fees like their home courses.

Okay let's make it 3 mil. How bout let's not. That's nowhere near enough to pay for adjustments to our kids' education comprised of cuts to art, music, drama, physical education, literature etc. and extra courses in math, science and the science of math.

How bout 4 mil. Not enough to cover the cost of changing ads, signage, bank machines etc. to accomodate Chinese characters.

5 mil? Not yet. Canadians are already paying for expensive courses in common sense that are mandatory to employment and only helpful to those used to strict training in math and science, not independant thought, creative thinking, problem solving, discretion, you know, what we USED to call "education."

Do I hear 6 mil? Traffic expenses. I know this is a terrible stereotype but it's also true. I've driven in Asia. There are no left turns without left turn signals and absolutely no courtesy corners. They know their own limitations.

7? Ever have an Asian landlord or landlady? Cuz you WILL.

Okay here it is. What I think is a fair price: 8 million bucks entry fee to do business in Canada. That's 10X what they pay now. Everything ELSE has gone up in price, why not this? 8 is fair but you know it just wouldn't be right to miss this glorious opportunity to do to them what they've been doing to every poor schmuck they've stepped on to get to the top. So let's make it an even 10 million, because, hey, THEY can afford it. They should be HAPPY to fork it over because ostensibly, (and that's a big word here), this entry fee is collected for the economic development of Canada, their NEW country.

So let the whole 25000 in and make 'em pay 10 mil each. Do you know what that works out to? 250 BILLION dollars! Surely even our government couldn't squander that! Could they? Well you wouldn't think so would you? But the collossal problem on our tao to immigration enlightenment in Canada is the money up until now has been given to provincial governments. They already have an embarrassment of tax riches funded by the "little people" of Canada who still aren't in the loop enough to find tax loopholes; who aren't savvy enough to find tax shelters to deliver them from this burden - I mean patriotic duty to their country; who are too "nice" and too poor. Well it's no shock to hear that the money, this 800,000 X 3000 people a year has often been described as, "sitting idle on government balance sheets" or "languishing in bank accounts." Then after five years it is given back to the foreign investor. There you have it: free entry into Canada.

Wait a minute here! NOW who thinks we're stupid? I don't know of any bank or any government, (which are all run like banks or corporations), that is gonna let a single dollar of that money "languish" or "sit idle." I have a hunch the money intended for the economic development of Canada has been used for the economic development of bank managers and provincial government fund managers to "economically develop" their new yachts and mansions by the lake. Most likely claimed as a performance bonus and stashed in some "tax shelter" in the Cayman Islands. But not to worry, a little of it trickled down to the Canadian peasants who they bought coffee from or who cleaned their pools so win - win, right?

If anything SCREAMS deregulation, this fiasco does. And this is where me and Mohammed come in. Mohammed Yunus, creator of Gramean Bank, originator of micro credit and winner of the Nobel Prize has an idea that he calls "social economics." He proposes to allow businessmen and entrepreneurs to do business that is socially beneficial. They can still make profit but they have to do it in ways that will help OTHER people. I know there are no businessmen, certainly no Asian businessmen, who have any idea OTHER people serve any purpose but that of customer. I think Mohammed is overestimating businesspeople and underestimating greed here. But that's all right. In my theory of relativity I proposed a capitalist conscience called a relativity planner who will FORCE these people to do what is right but won't stop them from doing what is profitable. The whole 250 billion should be used to hire some good relativity planners, folks who are not members of any bank, government or associated in any way with a corporation. They will find good ways to benefit Canada with this money, and not just RICH Canada.

MY first suggestion would be to build refineries in Alberta right beside the oil sands that the Chinese are so hot and bothered over. They want our oil, they can have it in refined form. Refined at refineries that employ 100% Canadian workers. That way WHEN there are oil spills there won't be crude oil blackening the harbour view of their new Canadian homes. Refined oil will be easier to clean up and safer for the environment.

Put up some more windmills on the windy prairies to cut electricity bills. Hook generators up to all the treadmills and stationary bikes in gyms across the country to power the buildings they're in. I'm sure the relativity planners will come up with LOTS of ideas. And if they run out, they can always hire some of the boatloads of out-of-work Canadian degree holders in engineering, electronics, geology, (English), or who knows what to come up with some new ones. The foreign investors shouldn't mind at all because after all it IS their new country they are helping isn't it?

Vancouver Concussed

(Sung to the tune of "Daniel" by Elton John)

Daniel is ridin' tonight on the plane
I can see the red tail lights heading to L.A.
Oh and I can see Daniel waving goodbye.
Well it looks like Daniel. Guess it could be that other guy.

Henrik says, "Daniel my brother you are, (6 minutes), younger than me
do you still feel the pain? Are there stars in your eyes?
Your eyes are fine! They've seen more goals than mine.
Daniel your a star and we need you tonight.

The Stanley Cup is pretty this time of year.
Daniel says it's the best thing he's ever seen
oh and he oughta know he came close enough.
Lord I miss Daniel. Oh I miss him so much."



If you don't know the story, Daniel Sedin got gooned by elbow armour to the head thrown by Duncan Keith in retaliation for something he did earlier in a regular season game in Chicago. There's a click you can make on the vid above to see Daniel's hit on Keith that led to this. Daniel Sedin hasn't played since and his team, the BEST TEAM IN THE NHL, the Canucks, is losing to the L.A. Kings 3 games to nil in their first round playoff series. The Kings who almost set a modern day record this season for lowest scoring games both for and against. They've scored 9 goals in three games and the Canucks who won the President's trophy for the second year in a row as the team who had the best regular season record, have scored 4 goals total in three straight losses. They did not lose three straight games in the whole 82-game season including the 8 or 9 games they played without Daniel. Helluva time to start!

But back to Daniel. He came out and played most of the power play resulting from the elbow to the head, but then somebody must have asked him who the highest scoring Swedish defenceman in history was and he said Borje Salming instead of Nick Lidstrom. "Oh that's definitely consistent with concussion-type symptoms. Yank him!"

Now I'm not exactly sure that's what happened and far be it from me to complain about overprotection or ANYthing for that matter, BUUUT, seems to me the NHL's position on the new fad called the concussion might be erring on the side of INCREDIBLE overcautiousness and incredibly after-the-fact.

First of all why does nobody seem to know exactly what the hell the policy is on concussions and who determines them and how long before the player can come back and how many fingers you should hold up when you ask "how many fingers am I holding up?" I heard that Daniel has a sore neck and had a headache. You think? Did you see that hit? But does that definitely mean he'll be a slobbering stalk of celery later in life if he plays the must win game four on Wednesday EVEN IF HE GETS HIT IN THE HEAD AGAIN? Don't bullshit me here, that question can NOT be answered with science. It's just a bunch of people saying, "Well, just in case..." And by "people" I don't necessarily mean people who understand hockey or have ever even seen a game in their lives. They just might be the same people who are trying so hard to get the fighting out of hockey. And they seem to be winning! Why are they winning???

It's my understanding that they hook the players up to all kinds of computer equipment and get them to ride the bike or run on the treadmill or bail hay on the coach's farm and then they keep those figures, (whatever the hell they are measuring), on file. THEN when a guy on the other team who is a mediocre player who wants to make an impact, literally, in the only way he is capable and starts swinging his elbows like Dennis Rodman in the key and hits somebody in the head with one they take the victim out of the game "for his own protection." They fine the elbow thrower an amount he can pay with the quarters under his knuckle tape. Then they take the victim back to the coach's farm to do some hay bailing again and if those mysterious figures vary from 8 months ago in pre-season well just to be on the safe side we should assume the variation is consistent with concussion-type symptoms. This is just my understanding of it, I could be a little off.

I am all for the protection of the players, don't get me wrong. But it seems to me that the NHL's close the gate after the cows escape policy on concussions reeks strongly of lobbying, ($$$), from elbow pad manufacturers. It seems like a, (sorry bout this but), no-brainer to me! Elbow pad rules need to change. I've never played in the NHL but I have played THOUSANDS of hours of hockey in my day. Of all of that maybe .001% was played while wearing elbow pads. I hated them. They interfered with my range of motion, my shot, my checking AND my elbowing! And I'll tell you this: I have never had, nor have I ever seen a single solitary incident where a guy has said, "Wow, I sure am glad I had my elbow pads on there! Otherwise I mighta got hurt." But those were the OLD elbow pads. The ones built for the totally unnecessary protection of the elbow. The soft ones. The NEW elbow pads are exactly ZERO more protective of the wearer's elbows but about a bazillion times more dangerous to the poor schmuck who takes one to the head.

Do you think the players don't know this? Do you think the manufacturers don't? This is just Bobby Clarke hacking Valeri Kharlamov's ankle all over again. It's no different than the NFL, (and for those who know football, let's be honest, ALL football), and their bounties for injuring opponents. See those stickers on college football players' helmets? They're not for helping opposing players up in a sportsmanlike manner.

In just about anything, unfortunately that includes sports, there will be cheaters. I have seen some SHAMEFUL

elbow flailing in the few games I've in this year's playoffs. This year the league needs to suspend guys for intent to injure. For many games! Many games could mean the entire playoffs. Do THAT a couple times and you'll see guys go back to good old stick swinging again. Then at the end of the season and before next season, (if there IS one), the league needs to take a PROactive approach to this black eye on the game. Stop the players from getting concussions for crying out loud. New and softer elbow pads. And in the name of Walter Gretzky would somebody PLEASE get it together on the concussion diagnoses. This is the playoffs. Players play hurt. We need to know the difference between, "He's feeling a little off his game," and "He will endanger his future faculties if he plays."

4 goals in 3 games. Oh I miss Daniel. Oh I miss him so much!