"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." What if they're locked in there? How about this: People shouldn't lock other people in glass houses. Particularly not with stones. Not much of a problem because there just aren't any glass houses. Well, other than that thin restaurant that just went up at the bottom of the hill in Itaewon, I never see glass houses. And if I should ever go in there for a beverage, I'll remember not to throw any stones. I won't go in there. It's mostly girls with skirts on sitting on the second glass floor so that they can be concerned about people looking up their skirts. That's why they wear them isn't it? Here's one: People wearing skirts shouldn't drink expensive beverages on the second floors of glass houses.
"Laughter is the best medicine." Ever tried morphine? If laughter is the best medicine, then comedians are the best doctors. Makes sense. They're the cheapest. This could be why so many ailments have hilarious names. Shingles, lockjaw, Ebola, Asperger's, syphilis, gonorrhea, diarrhea, ruptured aneurysm, humerus fracture, acute angina, CANCER... Woah! That one doesn't work, does it? The big stopper! A word we all hate, maybe because we all know someone who has had cancer and it isn't funny. Hence the saying, "I am as serious as Cancer." I have nothing funny to say about this. Oh well...
I guess "you can't have your cake and eat it too." Or can you? Yes! You can! I've done it many times. Usually at birthdays so, yes, I've had to share, but I have had my cake and eaten it too. What else would I have done with it? I suppose I could have just shown it to everyone. "Hey look at this. I have a cake!" But then what would I say to people if they asked whether I was planning to eat it or not? "Of course not! I'm not spoiled! I am going to keep showing this cake to everyone I know until it hardens and goes bad. Then I suppose I'll throw it out. Have my cake and eat it too? How absurd! I mean really!" But I've never really experienced that...
"You should never say never." What if your mate asks if you ever cheated? Whether you have or not, you probably should say never. Or, if laughter isn't working for you and you visit the doctor and he/she asks, "How often do you go out for a night of drinking, smoking and unprotected sex?" The best answer would be never. Again, true or not. It's a pretty safe answer for other questions too, such as, "Can a plane full of Koreans remain in a seated position until the plane has come to a full and complete stop?" or "Flavoured coffee for you, sir?" Or even just a statement like, honest politician or convenience in banking. Never saying never is bull.
"Take the bull by the horns." Yeah? And then what? Get shaken around like a rag doll and probably impaled. Bulls do three things: Eat, rage and fuck. If you grab the horns of a ton of eat/rage/fuck, I don't need to tell you which of the three reactions you should HOPE for. And then, how lucky would you feel? During the cigarette afterwards, you might even wish it had been one of the other two. No, the only time you should grab those horns is when the attached bull is smothered in barbecue sauce on a rotating spit. And then it really wouldn't be grabbing a bull by the horns. So how about this: "NEVER take the bull by the horns." This is yet another stupid saying we hear a lot. But...
"It is what it is." Who was the originator of THIS little philosophical gold nugget, Plato? Socrates? Tesla? Shakespeare? Before someone else does, I'd like to coin my own wise little observance about life. Are you ready? Here goes: "It isn't what it isn't." Thank you so much. Or how about "I am what I am." Wait, curse you, Popeye! Okay, "I am not what I'm not." Woohoo! Making history here. I'll try for one more: "Crocodiles aren't gravel pits, and grape juice isn't a jumbo jet." I'm a genius!!! I tell you, if it's not one thing, it's another! Sheesh! Stupid sayings! Stupid! And I think, believe it or not, that people say "it is what it is," to sound SMART!
"Don't get smart with me!" I am pretty sure I've heard my Mom say, "Don't get smart with me, Smarty Pants. You'd better smarten up or I'll smack you down. Right smartly." And she did. And it smarted. So what is it? Smarten up or don't get smart? I'd say you have a 50/50 chance. I'm proud to say I disobeyed this sage parental advice. But there are a lot of stupid people in the world. Are they the obedient ones? Whose parents told them not to get smart? So they didn't? And what do you say to your parents? "Don't get smart with me, young man!" "Why not? Are you worried you won't be able to pay for my college education?" "Don't get smart with me!" "Duuuh, okay, howth thith? One plus one is tree. D - A - G spells dog, and.." WHACK! "Smarten up! And...
"Stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about." Okay, let's break this down. That "WHACK" was something to cry about. It was likely a wooden spoon whack. And it just might have been followed by a few more. Indeed, something to cry about. In fact,(parents are all alike, aren't they?), the crying probably reduces the number of blows. Even if it didn't hurt, I'm not going to NOT cry or that will encourage my enraged, spoon-wielding parent to whack me some more. This research shows that it is at least partially the very PURPOSE of the wooden spoon assault to induce crying in its victim. Now she's flip-flopped and wants me to STOP crying. And if I don't, why, she'll haul off and whack me a few more licks, again with the purpose of making me cry, which is what she just informed me, she doesn't want me to do. How did we survive these crazy mixed messages our parents sent us? Is that a stupid question?
"There is no such thing as a stupid question." Oh rea-hee-heeeee-ally! Go back two sayings. I once asked my Mother, "Mom, which is smarter, my pants or my ass?" That was a stupid question. Do fish need to wait an hour after eating before they get out of the water? What happens to all the DURING pictures? Do ravens have really big appetites? If your Uncle Jack asked you to help him off his elephant, would you help your Uncle Jack off his elephant? My favourite is when I tell somebody I lost something and they ask, "Where?" There are plenty of stupid questions. Okay last one, I have to wake up early tomorrow.
"The early bird gets the worm."
... and what does the early WORM get?
I think some parents say such stupid things because they have super stress levels. And what is the cause for a parent's super stress levels? The parent may have health issues that may end to death. The parent is very fearful for his or her life, and with no certainly how long he or she will live, that drives stress levels up. My mother's stress levels were sky high, while my father's wasn't. Needless to say, I had behavioral problems until I moved out on my own in the late-90s. My stress levels have since gone down considerably.
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