My Troubles Are Over

 Like many Americans and Canadians one of my best good friends Heather and I have been trying to solve our cashflow problems and so far our best idea has been the lottery. I've inspected the local lottery and even bought a few tickets. They have more numbers down here! It's HARDER! So that has not proven fruitful.

Our most recent idea has been something called NaNoWriMo. It's an incentive website where people form writing groups and upload their progress on their novels during the month of November. We're already both behind and with my 11th and most intensive M. Ed. course beginning tomorrow, I have my doubts that my book, "The Last Dreamer" is the working title, will ever be completed. Since nobody really reads any more and when they do, it's so often on a device that can play a movie anyway, I see the ultimate goal of novel writing to be having your book bought by Hollywood and made into a movie. In fact I'd settle for Bollywood turning my book into a music and dancing movie, I'm not picky. 

Even though my novel is set sometime in the future when humans have lost the ability to dream and even though it's about a young boy who has miraculously retained this gift and even though it's set in Canada where the Canadian government has set up companies to make fortunes from broadcasting this boy's dreams onto computer screens, interpreting them, and selling the best prognostications to countries that could be impacted by them, I'm finding it difficult to keep current events out of my story. For instance even though "proggers" are about 75% accurate, a recent "prog" proved to be wrong and Hurricane Juan swept across Florida demolishing Mar-a-Lago, the former residence of the originator of K.A. (The Kingdom of America). What has yet to be written is that progging is really 100% but errors... DISASTROUS errors are allowed in order to increase the market value of dream prognostication. But THAT concept is hardly futuristic...

See what I mean? I always seem to circle back to the impending doom that will only make Heather and my cashflow problems worse. So today I got to thinking... 

You're probably thinking I should be writing a fantasy like Lord of the Rings or a children's adventure tale like Harry Potter. A superhero book might sell well while they're hot although the bottom of THAT barrel has been scraped pretty clean. Squirrel Girl, Arm-Fall-Off Boy, Maggott, Bird Brain, Glitter Girl, Door Man, Dog Welder, and maybe my fave, Matter-Eater Lad. Check them out. These are not made up! The Simpsons superhero Lard Lad could be the next successful Simpsons spinoff! I haven't read any Matter-Eater Lad but I imagine if there's something the matter, he'll just eat it. He'll be a massively obese Everyman sort of hero. lol And how super could Arm-Fall-Off Boy be? I gotta check those out!

Sure enough, Arm-Fall-Off Boy's arm detaches with a "plorp" and he can beat opponents with it. To be fair, he WAS rejected by the Legionnaires...

No, my idea is even more super than Arm-Fall-Off Boy who, tell me if you agree, looks like he's old enough to be Arm-Fall-Off Man doesn't he? At any rate, I won't take off my arm and beat you about the head with this side-idea any longer. My REAL idea came to me this morning when I heard that Marco Rubio was chosen to be Trump's Secretary of State. Trump calls Rubio "Little Marco" and makes fun of his big ears. Rubio calls Trump vulgar and offensive and makes fun of his little hands. A match made in Heaven to be sure!

JD Vance, Trump's vice called him a "moral disaster," "reprehensible," "cultural heroin," "total fraud," "cynical asshole," and  "America's Hitler." Vice President Flippety Flop. THERE'S a good superhero name!

Kristi Noem, who Trump might nickname "Killer Noem" had a dog named Cricket that she called "untrainable" in her book. So she shot her dog. Now she'll be in charge of homeland security. Anybody caught crossing the border more than once might be considered by her to be "untrainable." Who knows?

Robert F. Kennedy called Trump a "terrible human being," "unhinged," "barely coherent," and "probably a sociopath." Trump called him a "radical left lunatic." Kennedy said that under no circumstances would he join a Trump presidential ticket. Buuuuuut Trump promised to let Kennedy "go wild" on healthcare. 

You may know Kennedy as that roadkill guy or the one with a worm in his brain. Now he's likely to become - you guessed it - a member of the Trump presidential ticket. My favourite quirk about Kennedy is not those two stories or his ideas of making vaccines a little less "sciency," it's his anti-fluoridization stance. I can't help thinking that maybe Kennedy has seen the following speech one or two times too many. Hell he even has a striking resemblance to Brigadier General Jack D. Ripper! Do you suppose he blames the Russians for contaminating our "precious bodily fluids?"  

I'm telling you, if this wasn't all so tragic, it'd be fucking hilarious! Soon Trump will appoint as secretary of education someone like Alfred E. Newman, Beavis or Butthead, Curly or Larry or Moe, Don Quixote, Jar Jar Binx, or... ummmm... Betsy Devos. Soon he'll appoint Jimmy Kimmel as his secretary of pro-Trump propaganda. Soon he'll appoint Secretariat as his secretary.

Well I'm not going to sit back and let this opportunity pass me by. Neither is Heather. We have abandoned our fledgling novels in their infancies to embark upon more modern and lucrative enterprises. Nobody reads anyway. We are going to start uploading vids absolutely slagging Trump. It's something we're already good at. It's always fun. And we're both constantly in front of our computers anyway.

This is a cinch! First we will need to get Trump's attention. We'll need a good jab like Kimmel's "Isn't it past your jail time?" We'll know we've been successful when he gives us nicknames. Nothing too clever, but something just a bit beyond "Poopy ca-ca head." I imagine he'll call me Dummy Dave or Dopey Dave and Heather will get Hosebag Heather or Heather the poopy ca-ca head. Yeah, I change my mind. He's NOT beyond Poopy ca-ca head.

So then we can update our YouTube handles in ironic reverence to his nickname prowess. We'll get more followers. Some who like us and some Magaflakes who hate us. Then the money will start coming in. YouTube will recognize our popularity with small cash rewards. 2-12 bucks for every 1000 views can really add up!

Once we're established we could even make vids as a team. Join forces and increase our viewership. We might even be so hated by the new administration "Season 2 of the Celebrity Appotus" that we will receive financial backing from liberals and left-wing activists. 

The ultimate goal, and I see this as being a lot more achievable than a successful novel, would be for Trump to hate us SOOOO much, he'll give us cabinet positions. All we'll need to do then is completely flip-flop, start cranking out theater like all the flunkies currently associated with him (except maybe his wife. Models seldom make good actresses.) and we're on Easy Street.

I'd better get busy. Forget this blogging shit, there's vlogging to be done!