Who got the big idea to flop a large, piney, sticky, natural air freshener in the middle of the living room? And whose idea was it to put lights and decorations on it? And I guess mainly, what the heck does this have to do with Christmas?
Like everything about Christmas, consumerism has changed the Christmas tree over the years. If you listen to the words of “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” in the older versions the lyrics are, “Please have snow and mistletoe and presents on the tree.” Nowadays we have presents UNDER the tree and half way across the living room floor to feed the greed that all our little future captains of industry will cut their corporate teeth on. It’s tough to put an X-Box or laptop or snowboard ON the tree. We can’t satisfy ourselves with the exchange of little gifts for Christmas any more. Those are for the stockings. And what’s up with THAT tradition? Socks? I bet Jesus never wore a pair. Even HE knew they don’t go well with sandals! But one tradition at a time…
I can think of only one thing having anything to do with Christmas on which the dollar value has dropped: the Christmas bonus. That’s if you still get it at all. So Christmas has become all about buying more presents, and more expensive presents with less money. It’s no wonder a lot of folks call it “Stressmas.” And if you go find the nearest Goth or Vampire kid to you, (check the mall or the 7-11), and ask what he/she thinks of Christmas they’ll tell you it’s the time of year when most suicides occur. That is AFTER they tell you, “Like, Dude, please, ‘the holidays?’ Force your religion down people’s throats much? Gall!”
Lo, my stereotypically fabricated lost soul doth returneth uth to the main point: What the heaven does a pine tree have to do with the birth of Jesus Christ? Do they even have evergreen trees in Bethlehem? I guess that’d be in your modern day Saudi Arabia. Though I’m not sure how modern they are. Things are just completely different in so many ways from the countries where we celebrate Christmas. Most people in Bethlehem, where Christmas started, are Muslim and may not have even seen a pine tree much less decorated one. I can’t speak for ALL Christmas celebrating nations but I know in Canada and the U.S. people sometimes get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery… things are just different.
Indeed, the wise men of the Christmas story brought to, “A child, a child, who shivered in the cold” gold, frankincense and myrrh. How wise were they really if none of them thought to bring that shivering child a blanket? But anyhoo, frankincense and myrrh are both resins. Dried tree sap from the Boswellia and Commiphora trees respectively. If you look at these trees they are both short, dry barked, bonsai-looking trees that almost look dead. They have little leaves but are mostly gnarly branches and bark. A far cry from the full, green Christmas tree!
That’s about the only link to the tree I can find in the Christmas story. And the star at the top of most of our trees is the one and only link I can find between the Christmas tree and the birth of Jesus. It’s supposed to represent the bright star that guided the not-so-wise men to Bethlehem. But then again, some folks put an angel at the top of their trees. I don’t see much connection here either. I KNOW Jesus was just a baby but I don’t remember any guardian angel. Hercules crushed two pythons when HE was a baby and he was the son of A god. Jesus was the son of THE God! It’d be a bit like sending Steve Urkel to guard Brock Lesnar. I suppose the angel on our trees MIGHT represent the angel that told Mary about the upcoming miracle birth, though, at the risk of sounding blasphemous, I dunno how wise THAT was either. I mean if a woman is going to have a baby, and her husband has never slept with her, a smart angel appears to Joseph before he starts hammering and nailing dudes all over Bethlehem that he feels suspicious about. Luckily, the Koran recognized the virgin birth so with Sharia law as it was, none of Mary and Joseph’s neighbours were picking up nice, aerodynamic stones every time they saw the pregnant woman and her husband who hadn’t “known” her. So aside from the virgin birth, there were other complications that made the birth of our Lord an event that really DID require something miraculous like an angel. But the angel appeared about 9 months before the blessed event so any angel traditions should really be going on in April I would think.
But these traditions seem to catch on, no matter how outrageous they may be, and develop lives of their own. Maybe the best thing written about Christmas I saw this year was by a lady writing in our local Victoria newspaper. She wrote something like, “Christmas is more and more about traditions and the traditions are less and less about Christmas.” It’s possible that in a few hundred years there will be no way to detect the Christian story of Jesus from the traditions of the Christmas season. In fact, it sometimes appears that people are trying really hard to make this happen.
Let’s have some fun, shall we? Let’s see if we can’t pull something random and meaningless out of thin air, (or wherever else random and meaningless things are pulled from), and start a tradition of our own. It can’t have a thing to do with the Christian celebration of a holiday or it won’t catch on. How about Easter for our trial run. Something that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the celebration of the risen savior. Something totally unrelated. Somethi - - - Okay forget Easter, somebody beat us to the punch there.
Using Easter as our perfect model, let’s see if we can’t just conjure up an erratic behaviour that some curious kid will ask about in a few hundred years and everyone will have done it for so long they won’t even remember why. How about we take a big, giant Christmas… halibut… over to our neighbours’ house, the neighbour to the right we’ll say, and throw it raw but not live, through their living room window on December 24th. NO! On the 18th because the 8 looks a tiny bit like a halibut if you make one of the loops much bigger than the other. Hmmm… right away I see a few problems. Jesus was known to have fished on the sea of Galilee, right? Maybe not for halibut but remember the pine tree example. And I don’t know how big the people of Bethlehem were 2011 years ago on turkey dinners either. But once again, we’ll concentrate on the curious tradition at hand.
Also there was the feeding of the 5000 with loaves and fish. The song about Jesus telling his disciples that he will make them fishers of men. And that Jesus symbol you see on car bumpers and such. The Jesus fish just might be a halibut. Ever seen it? Well anyway, that was just our first attempt.
Let’s try again. Wear as much of the colour purple as you can and tickle senior citizens until they give you, ummmm, fruit! Don’t stop tickling until you get a banana, mango, or a grapefruit. Tomatoes, they’ll have to give you two. Potatoes are completely out. Uh-oh, what if the old folks start giving Christmas ticklers fruit cake? Then we’d be cross-traditioning! We can’t have that. It wouldn’t be long before people started to believe that this was where the whole fruit cake thing started. Instead of the actual truth: that somebody made the most disgusting thing they could, a cake unworthy to be called by that delicious name, for someone they hated like a boss or an in-law, but had to give a gift that appeared genuinely thoughtful.
Wow, this is not easy! Well if I’ve learned one thing in my travels it’s that if you want wild and whacky tradition that seems blissfully unrelated to what it’s attached to, you’re talking Japan. No contest. Have you ever seen sumo wrestling? Each match is usually over in just seconds but is preceded by so much pomp and circumstance you can actually see the wrestlers losing weight as they wait. Dance, dress, hairstyles, dirt, salt, swords, ropes, diapers, diet, blocks, seat cushions, rules, regulations, protocol… surely the Japanese are the world leaders! And I have it on good authority that it was all from a group of noblemen, after lots and lots of sake, saying, “How about we do THIS crazy thing? Yeah, yeah that’s good. That’s totally outrageous!”
So, I’ll take a little swig of Asahi Super Dry, summon the Japanese spirit of random action that is so desperately random that it often cannot accurately be called “creative,” that inspires manga, and hentai animators, fashion, cuisine, hairstyles, sex and many things in the country, and let’s GIVE ‘ER!
We’ll start by wearing a thongy, diapery thing. Women can wear an upside down one on top. If they choose. It’s like the manga/hentai option. When I was in Japan there was one thing CONSTANTLY on TV: cooking shows. The number one comic is about a sushi chef. The Japanese are obsessed with creating new foods. Unfortunately with a creativity constricted, strictly structured society, they have a habit of falling into old habits. Every “new” food they tried to invent seemed to me to have a raw egg broken over top of it. So we’ll use that. Let’s fill some big vats full of raw eggs and dive right in wearing our thongy diapers. We’ll have to create a word for them. Something Japanese sounding. Ummmm, hoki buttchee. We'll also need protective head and eye gear. And, what the hay, they'll be shaped like chicken heads and beaks. Called "cheekeenatama" So cover our bodies, cheekeenatama, and hoki buttchee completely with the raw egg. Then we get out of the vat and go to a large, oversized sushi-go-round, (like the ones that take the different sushi pieces around and around for you to choose), that takes us through a heated area that will slowly cook the eggs to our bodies. After we are fully cooked we spray our Christmas egg suits with green wasabi and red ketchup and, voila: spicy Christmas body omelet for everybody! And should we eat it with chopsticks? NAH, too predictable. We'll use bear claws! Once everybody has done if for hundreds of years I’m sure it won’t seem so strange. Trust me.
As for the Christmas tree, I read that medieval Christmas plays sometimes depicted the Adam and Eve story since Christmas Eve was also considered the feast day of Adam and Eve. The Garden of Eden was symbolized with a Paradise Tree hung with fruit. The plays were banned but people secretly celebrated with Paradise trees in their homes. There were also pyramids with candles on them, one for every member of the family. Eventually these were placed on the tree. And you can guess how it progressed from there.
But this could all be bunk. And the evergreen mystery remains unsolved for me. But I don’t care that much. Soon I’ll be enjoying wasabi body omelet every year. That’ll make me forget all about Christmas trees. And probably everyone else. No less chance of happening than any OTHER tradition really. The way I see it.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Househunting In Victoria
Sometimes I feel like society is leading, not to say coercing, cattle prodding or Clockwork Orange, eye toothpick, soundbyte bombarding, the whole works of us down the no speed limit road to complete phoniness. What has lead me to such an ominous introduction? Anyone who has ever gone apartment shopping in Victoria would probably guess, “Hey, it sounds like you went apartment shopping in Victoria.” Indeed I did. And what was it about apartment shopping in Victoria that brought us to this blog entry? Was it the fact that prices are so artificially inflated, and folks are completely fine with charging their fellow man 700 dollars every month for a shithole that was probably built BEFORE Victoria was queen? Well not exactly. Was it that the reason they are fine with ripping off their fellow Canadians is because everyone else is doing it? Well that’s getting closer to it.
I think the thing that makes my breakfast curdle is when otherwise normal and good people are able to tune in to the vibes of society and without being formally taught, they can rattle things off like, “Well 700 dollars is fair market value for this place.” “Fair market value.” A useful little capitalist euphemism. For people seeking fair value, if you give them fair market value they might just believe it’s the same thing. Where did they learn this? Was it from TV? Was it from business school? Or was it what the asshole who sold THEM the place said to THEM?
But no, we’re really not at the heart of the issue yet. The dirty, ugly gremlin inside most of us that really bothered me. The thing that rarely shows itself plainly enough to be identified. And it’s going to be tough for me to try to flesh it out here, believe you me! It just boggles the mind the genius it takes to systematically implant it into a society!
I work 70 hours to pay 700 dollars of rent. Considering my 42-hour week, minus taxes, that’s pretty much a paycheck for me. But I try not to bring that up while talking to the prospective landlord who is already cautiously pessimistic about my natural, unaffected syntax and intonation. I know deep inside that he/she would be more at ease if I put on that, “Have a GREAT day, or else!”, smiley, giggly, corny joke, patio furniture salesman deportment, but at least I don’t bring myself down to THAT! The salary, however, remains secret though the landlord sends out feelers. “So, when were you looking to move in?” Don’t say, “When I can save up enough money for a damage deposit,”!!! “Well, that depends on how much it will cost me.” DOH! That’s just as bad! Damn, I’m bad at this! Now the landlord KNOWS I’m not a man of great means, able to draw on my hefty savings or liquidate some stock to make a rent payment on this 700-dollar a month concrete block that I doubt has functioning plumbing.
I see some pep drain from the landlord like I just hit him with a George Foreman telephone pole jab that punctured a hole in him and caused drops of liquid gold to drip out. He then asks, “Do you have a family, or…?” There really IS no good answer for THIS question. The landlord might as well just let me jump on him and hit him with his own hands and say, “Why are you punching yourself? Stop punching yourself!” See, I’m not about to say I have four kids and a wife that I want to move into a place not even big enough for me. But then I don’t want to tell the truth and say I’m single, which, let’s face it, he won’t believe anyway. Whether he does or he doesn’t believe it, he’ll know that I don’t have that societal shackle tying me to a city, a job and, yes, an apartment. So I’m not gonna last long. I try to make the best of it. “I’m single but that could always change.” Though it’s the truth I feel a little bit like a sellout having said that.
An ambulance goes by with siren blaring. It’s then that I notice the volume of the traffic. I don’t mean amount, I mean the decibel level. It’s almost magnified by the shape of the concrete apartment. I look up to the top floor balconies, (3rd floor), and see two tenants, a guy and a gal, having a drink and a smoke. I’m pretty sure it’s not tobacco. This makes me think, “Cool! At least there seem to be normal people here. On the other hand, I’ll be living BELOW them. I hope those aren’t energy drinks they’re swilling to counteract the drowsy effects of the pot.”
I’m at another location now having told the previous landlord, to my eternal shame, “I’ll get back to you.” I think we both know that’s not gonna happen. The place I’m at NOW is the cheapest on my list. I’ve called maybe three times and reached an answering machine message that says, “ALEX! Beeeep.” I was caught off guard by it the first time and left this message, “Uh, oh, hi, I’m looking for an apartment. Well obviously. And like the price of yours. I’m wondering if it’s still available. If it is my number is, uh, oh, uh… I’ll call you back.” And then before I flipped my phone closed and open again to check what my phone number actually IS, “FUCK!” So I think he got THAT as part of the message too. I called back and gave, uh, Alex my phone number but he didn’t call me. Whether it was the curse word, the incoherent answering machine message or something else I couldn’t say. These are the guessing games we play when we try to portray ourselves as and/or find the perfect tenant.
I was pretty sure that even in the one word message I detected an accent. Perhaps that was WHY it was only one word of English. And, “Alex”, is that English? So anyway, I walk to the address on the newspaper ad. It’s a dinghy, greyish pink block of apartments just off the main street in town but in a neighbourhood that made me glad for the daylight during which I visited it. It had one of those old intercoms that almost never work with one button corresponding to a name usually in those plastic interchangeable letters just in case the tenant changes. I saw names like Lee, Chan, Wang, Liu, Lee, Chin, Lee… and just couldn’t imagine they had enough of those plastic letters for MacCannell on the list. This place was for 537 a month. That’s MUCH cheaper than anything else I’ve seen so I thought I’d give it one more try. I called “Alex” and surprisingly got an answer. I told him I was at the apartment and would like to take a look if it was still available. He said, “Alraydy sote! Alraydy sote!” I was looking at the intercom and saw a blank spot so was skeptical that it was “alraydy sote” but I’m not going to force a non-Canadian into Canadian behaviour. If he wants to favour his own countrymen, I suppose that’s okay.
I then walked to the location of one last place I wanted to check. It was another 700-dollar apartment. The ad said it was at the corner of Cook and Hillside. So I get to that corner and call the number. I can hardly hear the guy on the phone because it’s a very loud intersection. “HEY! I’M LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT. IS YOURS STILL AVAILABLE?” The guy says, “Ummmm… maybeeee…” “SORRY I’M AT THE LOCATION NOW AND IT’S PRETTY LOUD,” and hard to fake a nice-sounding tenant voice. “What location is that?” “THE CORNER OF COOK AND HILLSIDE.” “Oh, no, that’s not where my apartment is. They give that as an approximate location for safety reasons. So can we set up a meeting for tomorrow?”
Oh I set up that meeting. I was friendly and accommodating. Even giggled a few times and sold him a nice reclining foldaway deck chair set at fair maket value. But I knew there was no way I was keeping that appointment.
Then, after all that, I went Christmas shopping.
I think the thing that makes my breakfast curdle is when otherwise normal and good people are able to tune in to the vibes of society and without being formally taught, they can rattle things off like, “Well 700 dollars is fair market value for this place.” “Fair market value.” A useful little capitalist euphemism. For people seeking fair value, if you give them fair market value they might just believe it’s the same thing. Where did they learn this? Was it from TV? Was it from business school? Or was it what the asshole who sold THEM the place said to THEM?
But no, we’re really not at the heart of the issue yet. The dirty, ugly gremlin inside most of us that really bothered me. The thing that rarely shows itself plainly enough to be identified. And it’s going to be tough for me to try to flesh it out here, believe you me! It just boggles the mind the genius it takes to systematically implant it into a society!
I work 70 hours to pay 700 dollars of rent. Considering my 42-hour week, minus taxes, that’s pretty much a paycheck for me. But I try not to bring that up while talking to the prospective landlord who is already cautiously pessimistic about my natural, unaffected syntax and intonation. I know deep inside that he/she would be more at ease if I put on that, “Have a GREAT day, or else!”, smiley, giggly, corny joke, patio furniture salesman deportment, but at least I don’t bring myself down to THAT! The salary, however, remains secret though the landlord sends out feelers. “So, when were you looking to move in?” Don’t say, “When I can save up enough money for a damage deposit,”!!! “Well, that depends on how much it will cost me.” DOH! That’s just as bad! Damn, I’m bad at this! Now the landlord KNOWS I’m not a man of great means, able to draw on my hefty savings or liquidate some stock to make a rent payment on this 700-dollar a month concrete block that I doubt has functioning plumbing.
I see some pep drain from the landlord like I just hit him with a George Foreman telephone pole jab that punctured a hole in him and caused drops of liquid gold to drip out. He then asks, “Do you have a family, or…?” There really IS no good answer for THIS question. The landlord might as well just let me jump on him and hit him with his own hands and say, “Why are you punching yourself? Stop punching yourself!” See, I’m not about to say I have four kids and a wife that I want to move into a place not even big enough for me. But then I don’t want to tell the truth and say I’m single, which, let’s face it, he won’t believe anyway. Whether he does or he doesn’t believe it, he’ll know that I don’t have that societal shackle tying me to a city, a job and, yes, an apartment. So I’m not gonna last long. I try to make the best of it. “I’m single but that could always change.” Though it’s the truth I feel a little bit like a sellout having said that.
An ambulance goes by with siren blaring. It’s then that I notice the volume of the traffic. I don’t mean amount, I mean the decibel level. It’s almost magnified by the shape of the concrete apartment. I look up to the top floor balconies, (3rd floor), and see two tenants, a guy and a gal, having a drink and a smoke. I’m pretty sure it’s not tobacco. This makes me think, “Cool! At least there seem to be normal people here. On the other hand, I’ll be living BELOW them. I hope those aren’t energy drinks they’re swilling to counteract the drowsy effects of the pot.”
I’m at another location now having told the previous landlord, to my eternal shame, “I’ll get back to you.” I think we both know that’s not gonna happen. The place I’m at NOW is the cheapest on my list. I’ve called maybe three times and reached an answering machine message that says, “ALEX! Beeeep.” I was caught off guard by it the first time and left this message, “Uh, oh, hi, I’m looking for an apartment. Well obviously. And like the price of yours. I’m wondering if it’s still available. If it is my number is, uh, oh, uh… I’ll call you back.” And then before I flipped my phone closed and open again to check what my phone number actually IS, “FUCK!” So I think he got THAT as part of the message too. I called back and gave, uh, Alex my phone number but he didn’t call me. Whether it was the curse word, the incoherent answering machine message or something else I couldn’t say. These are the guessing games we play when we try to portray ourselves as and/or find the perfect tenant.
I was pretty sure that even in the one word message I detected an accent. Perhaps that was WHY it was only one word of English. And, “Alex”, is that English? So anyway, I walk to the address on the newspaper ad. It’s a dinghy, greyish pink block of apartments just off the main street in town but in a neighbourhood that made me glad for the daylight during which I visited it. It had one of those old intercoms that almost never work with one button corresponding to a name usually in those plastic interchangeable letters just in case the tenant changes. I saw names like Lee, Chan, Wang, Liu, Lee, Chin, Lee… and just couldn’t imagine they had enough of those plastic letters for MacCannell on the list. This place was for 537 a month. That’s MUCH cheaper than anything else I’ve seen so I thought I’d give it one more try. I called “Alex” and surprisingly got an answer. I told him I was at the apartment and would like to take a look if it was still available. He said, “Alraydy sote! Alraydy sote!” I was looking at the intercom and saw a blank spot so was skeptical that it was “alraydy sote” but I’m not going to force a non-Canadian into Canadian behaviour. If he wants to favour his own countrymen, I suppose that’s okay.
I then walked to the location of one last place I wanted to check. It was another 700-dollar apartment. The ad said it was at the corner of Cook and Hillside. So I get to that corner and call the number. I can hardly hear the guy on the phone because it’s a very loud intersection. “HEY! I’M LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT. IS YOURS STILL AVAILABLE?” The guy says, “Ummmm… maybeeee…” “SORRY I’M AT THE LOCATION NOW AND IT’S PRETTY LOUD,” and hard to fake a nice-sounding tenant voice. “What location is that?” “THE CORNER OF COOK AND HILLSIDE.” “Oh, no, that’s not where my apartment is. They give that as an approximate location for safety reasons. So can we set up a meeting for tomorrow?”
Oh I set up that meeting. I was friendly and accommodating. Even giggled a few times and sold him a nice reclining foldaway deck chair set at fair maket value. But I knew there was no way I was keeping that appointment.
Then, after all that, I went Christmas shopping.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Team Canada 3 Finland 1
After a game at the World Jr. Hockey Championships in Alberta, (pre-tournament), the Canadian team looks a bit different than I expected. But then what can you really tell so early on?
After beating the Fins 3-1 there seems to be a bit of concern about the team. The Fins were actually the better team in the 1st period but I think the Canucks were just figuring out their places on the squad. By the end of the game it looked like a team with a more solid identity. If they played a fourth period I think there woulda been some scoring.
It looked like part of the plan was to wear the Fins down. Boy giant Jamie Oleksiak obliterated one of the Fins but most of the hitting was done by the top line, Pearson/Scheifele and Smith-Pelly. In fact all by himself Smith-Pelly probably got a piece of every guy on the Finnish team! He was ferocious out there! The chemistry between Pearson and Scheifele, guys who have known each other since they were 9 or 10 and they play on the same line for the Barrie Ice Dogs, was easy to see. They got a lot of chances. Smith-Pelly opened a lot of ice for them, as he stated after the game it was his job to do. They were shut out of the scoring but that can't last too long.
Early in the game there seemed to be a second line of Bournival/Gallagher and Freddie Hamilton. I was impressed with Bournival who played better than I expected him to. Gallagher scored a goal and was easy to notice out there. Hooray for the little people! He's gonna be my underdog fave this year I think. I usually pick a small guy on the team who is really skilled to cheer for. Michael Cammalleri and Ryan Ellis are two guys I really liked.
I was worried that Mark Stone's talent might be wasted on the team but it certainly wasn't! Toward the end of the 2nd period he, Freddie H. and co-player of the game Jaden Schwartz looked good together. Stone got a goal and he and Schwartz really got chances together. I hope they stay on the same line. I thought Hamilton and Strome would be linemates but I didn't notice that pairing even though they're both on Niagara of the OHL. In fact Strome, who had an assist, then had it taken away, wasn't really all that noticeable. But I think when Huberdeau shows up those 3 guys will go to town.
Schwartz was almost Gretzky-esque out there skating in over the blue line then circling back and looking for an open trailer. He had a cool head and was very impressive. I'm still a bit worried about him getting injured though. Is it just me or does he look like an older, hockey-playing version of Hayley Joel Osment?
I wonder if Jaden Schwartz sees dead people...
I was happy to see Brett ConnOlly in full bloom. I saw his jersey enough to realize I've been spelling his name wrong all this time. He had the highlight of the night spinarama move that almost ended up as a goal. Plus he had a couple assists. He was paired with Boone Jenner who did WAY better than I expected! He got a goal and made several great plays. I thought he'd be a role player on the team and outta nowhere he was, in my humble opinion, the player of the game. (with Schwartzy)
Howden and Huberdeau, two guys who will really add some scoring to team Canada, were out with injury so I don't share the concern most people have at this point. I think the team is right on schedule, maybe even ahead of the game.
The defence was not so great in the first period. I think the Calgary scorekeepers generously gave team Canada a tie in shots in the period. It looked to me like Finland was getting two shots to every one for our guys. Brandon Gormley looked fantastic and Ryan Murray in his Neidermayer-inspired number 27 was very smooth. They all seemed to gather confidence as the game wore on. I'm really not too worried about them.
With the jitters all worked out, and possibly the full team on the ice against Switzerland on Thursday, I wouldn't be surprised to see a whole pile of goals scored. BY Canada!
Visentin looked good in goal. I may have been a little carried away saying he's going to play every game in my previous post. Canada plays on back to back days a few times so I expect we'll see Wedgewood the backer-upper. Kinda looking forward to seeing him play actually.
I LOVE TSN for posting the games on their website, tsn.ca, (just go to broadband, video library, World Jr. Championship games on demand). I think I might just watch their first game all over again!
Can't wait till Thursday!
After beating the Fins 3-1 there seems to be a bit of concern about the team. The Fins were actually the better team in the 1st period but I think the Canucks were just figuring out their places on the squad. By the end of the game it looked like a team with a more solid identity. If they played a fourth period I think there woulda been some scoring.
It looked like part of the plan was to wear the Fins down. Boy giant Jamie Oleksiak obliterated one of the Fins but most of the hitting was done by the top line, Pearson/Scheifele and Smith-Pelly. In fact all by himself Smith-Pelly probably got a piece of every guy on the Finnish team! He was ferocious out there! The chemistry between Pearson and Scheifele, guys who have known each other since they were 9 or 10 and they play on the same line for the Barrie Ice Dogs, was easy to see. They got a lot of chances. Smith-Pelly opened a lot of ice for them, as he stated after the game it was his job to do. They were shut out of the scoring but that can't last too long.
Early in the game there seemed to be a second line of Bournival/Gallagher and Freddie Hamilton. I was impressed with Bournival who played better than I expected him to. Gallagher scored a goal and was easy to notice out there. Hooray for the little people! He's gonna be my underdog fave this year I think. I usually pick a small guy on the team who is really skilled to cheer for. Michael Cammalleri and Ryan Ellis are two guys I really liked.
I was worried that Mark Stone's talent might be wasted on the team but it certainly wasn't! Toward the end of the 2nd period he, Freddie H. and co-player of the game Jaden Schwartz looked good together. Stone got a goal and he and Schwartz really got chances together. I hope they stay on the same line. I thought Hamilton and Strome would be linemates but I didn't notice that pairing even though they're both on Niagara of the OHL. In fact Strome, who had an assist, then had it taken away, wasn't really all that noticeable. But I think when Huberdeau shows up those 3 guys will go to town.
Schwartz was almost Gretzky-esque out there skating in over the blue line then circling back and looking for an open trailer. He had a cool head and was very impressive. I'm still a bit worried about him getting injured though. Is it just me or does he look like an older, hockey-playing version of Hayley Joel Osment?
I wonder if Jaden Schwartz sees dead people...
I was happy to see Brett ConnOlly in full bloom. I saw his jersey enough to realize I've been spelling his name wrong all this time. He had the highlight of the night spinarama move that almost ended up as a goal. Plus he had a couple assists. He was paired with Boone Jenner who did WAY better than I expected! He got a goal and made several great plays. I thought he'd be a role player on the team and outta nowhere he was, in my humble opinion, the player of the game. (with Schwartzy)
Howden and Huberdeau, two guys who will really add some scoring to team Canada, were out with injury so I don't share the concern most people have at this point. I think the team is right on schedule, maybe even ahead of the game.
The defence was not so great in the first period. I think the Calgary scorekeepers generously gave team Canada a tie in shots in the period. It looked to me like Finland was getting two shots to every one for our guys. Brandon Gormley looked fantastic and Ryan Murray in his Neidermayer-inspired number 27 was very smooth. They all seemed to gather confidence as the game wore on. I'm really not too worried about them.
With the jitters all worked out, and possibly the full team on the ice against Switzerland on Thursday, I wouldn't be surprised to see a whole pile of goals scored. BY Canada!
Visentin looked good in goal. I may have been a little carried away saying he's going to play every game in my previous post. Canada plays on back to back days a few times so I expect we'll see Wedgewood the backer-upper. Kinda looking forward to seeing him play actually.
I LOVE TSN for posting the games on their website, tsn.ca, (just go to broadband, video library, World Jr. Championship games on demand). I think I might just watch their first game all over again!
Can't wait till Thursday!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Canada Will Score BIG at World Jrs.
I've been studying up on the guys that are going to be our 22-man roster at the world Jr. Hockey Championships this year. As usual I have great hopes that our boys will bring home the gold. But THIS year I think I'll have more to cheer about! It seems that the selectors for the team have FINALLY started thinking like I think about hockey: you just can't win if you don't score a goal! There should be NOOO danger of THAT happening unless Don Hay pulls the common, "Okay we got you all for your offensive skills but we want you to abandon them and play defence." I sure hope THAT isn't the case or it'll be a huge waste of talent. But I don't think they've made the mistakes of leaving highly skilled guys off the squad like they have in the past: Taylor Hall in '09, Seguin in '10 and Nugent Hopkins last year. How do you NOT pick the NUGE? This year's squad will have plenty of two things that have been missing most years: scoring and chemistry.
So here's a little run-down of our world jr. team if you haven't read or watched about them yet. I think a lot of people are worried about our defence but once Canada starts playing and they spend 3/4 of the games in the other guys' end of the rink, our defence won't have the spotlight on them for too much longer. Mark Visentin is one of only 4 returning players and he'll play every game barring injury. I don't expect to see Scott Wedgewood except perhaps if Visentin lets in 8 goals or something. (and STILL gets the win :)) But let's start with the defence, shall we?
Defence - Nathan Beaulieu - Strathroy, Ont. Drafted by Mtl. He's got decent size and he's getting more points and penalty minutes per game this year.
Brandon Gormley - Murray River, PEI. Drafted by Phoenix. Did the team Canada camp before. Missed making the team last year because he was injured. There are no returning D-men but Brandon is looking to take a defensive leadership role on the team. He's a point and penalty min. per game guy.
Dougie Hamilton - T.O. Drafted by Boston. Cuz they NEED huge defencemen on Boston! 6'4 193, (still growing), and a right handed shot. Has 45 points in 30 games this year with the Ice Dogs. A point and a half per game on defence is pretty dominant! And he's the YOUNGER Hamilton! I think he'll see some time on the point on the P.P. hopefully playing the left side to get right-handed one-timers.
Scott Harrington - Kingston, Ont. Drafted by Pittsburgh. 6'1, 203. Shut down defenceman even though he's not that big. Played for Don Cherry's team vs. Bobby Orr's. Don liked the fellow Kingstonian so we'll probably like him too.
Ryan Murray - White City, Sask. Not drafted yet. 6'0, 185. Captained the under 18 team to gold at the last Ivan Hlinka Memorial Tourney. Models himself after Scott Niedermayer. Good skating and puck moving defenceman.
Jamie Oleksiak - T.O. Drafted by Dallas. 6'7 240!! Doesn't score a lot but moves well for a massive guy. Very physical. I guess so!
Mark Pysyk - Sherwood Park, Alb. 6'1, 188. Captain of the Oil Kings. Tries to play like Shea Weber. The only Albertan on the team this year. So he'll be familiar with the dressing rooms. (8 others got cut. OUCH!) He had that experience last year. Smooth, all-purpose defenceman.
Forwards Michael Bournival - Shawinigan, Que. Drafted by Colorado. 6'0 187. He's a point-a-game guy who has impressive goal totals. His intensity and no quit attitude make him easy to spot on the ice. I think he'll centre a very high scoring 4th line.
Brett Connelly - Prince George. Drafted by Tampa Bay and got 8 pts. for them in 28 games this season. 6'2, 181 and shoots R. A goal scorer who couldn't showcase it last year on the team. Only 3 assists in 7 games. He was the first 16-year-old to get 30 goals since Patrick Marleau. I'd really like to see him play RW on a veteran line with Schwartz and Howden. They could score a lotta goals together but I think they'll be spread around a younger team that's low on international experience. Never know...
Brendan Gallagher - Tsawassen, B.C. Drafted by Mtl. An Island boy. Only 5'8, 170 but a right-handed dynamo from all accounts. Plays for the Vancouver Giants and is scoring a goal a game and getting 2 PIM's along with that. He was among the final cuts last year, no doubt because of his size. I'm psyched to see him play! I said last year I wished Canada wasn't so concerned about size. I hope he shows us all why they shouldn't be. I'd put him on the RW on that high scoring fourth line.
Freddie Hamilton - another Toronto lad. Drafted by SJ. He gets a point and a half a game. That should come in handy. Famous for his booksmarts. Has like a 98% average in his classes. He's smart on the ice too. Says it's selfish to put your team down a man and is known for RARELY taking penalties. I think he'll be good on the P.P. AND P.K. I'd like to see what he can do at C between Huberdeau and Strome. THAT could be the number one line for Canada in scoring if not in status.
Quinton Howden - Oak Bank Man. Drafted by Fla. 6'3, 183. He scored 2 goals and got 3 assists for Canada last year in 7 games but like Connelly he wasn't playing a scoring role. He got 40 goals in 60 games last year and has 14 in 20 this year. Excellent speed and a great skater. He's also dangerous short handed. I'm a bit worried that his concussion symptoms might cost him ice time this year. He's a LW on a team that doesn't have enough so I hope he's okay.
Jonathan Huberdeau - Prevost, Que. Drafted by Fla. If they weren't doing so well he'd be on the squad this year. He made this World Jr. team without even stepping on the ice, (ankle), but his MASSIVE scoring totals justify it. He's scoring more than two points a game this year. All star at LW last year in the QMJHL with a 105 pt. in 67 game performance. An absolute wizard with the puck! Will make moves that beat the defender then set another guy up for a goal. Could play with Howden since they'll be together in Florida soon but I'd like to see him with Hamilton and Strome, a pair of Ice Dawgs. Wherever he's put the goal lamps will be lighing.
Boone Jenner - Dorchester, Ont. Drafted by Columbus. He gets a point and 2 penalty minutes a game. Has a lot of intangibles. Great at blocking shots and taking faceoffs. He'll be good with Howden and Hamilton on the P.K. I think he might be called on at key face-off times if Canada is in a close game, but I don't expect the games to be that close. Winger on the 4th line I expect. Or possibly just thrown in for P.K. and key face offs.
Tanner Pearson - Kitchener, Ont. NOT drafted. This is THE most interesting guy on the team! A virtual unknown. Not a member of any team Canadas, ignored in the NHL draft, just off the radar. Until now. He's got 66 points including 26 goals for the Barrie Colts in only 30 games! And it's not just because he's on a line with Mark Scheifele. He did just fine when Mark was having a cup of coffee in Winnipeg. He is the OHL's leading scorer right now. No international experience and he pretty much made the world jr. team as a walk-on. I can't wait to see him on LW with linemates Scheifele and DSP! That'll be Canada's number one line I reckon.
Mark Scheifele - Kitchener, Ont. Drafted by Winnipeg and was the talk of pre-season but only one goal in 7 games with the big club this year. He's got 36 pts. in 19 games with Barrie. I guess he missed Tanner Pearson. It'll be awesome to see some chemistry on Team Canada! He's got size, skill and is a right shooting centre. A real bonus to have!
Jaden Schwartz - Emerald Park Sask. Drafted by St. Louis. 5'10, 193. He's not very tough or rugged. Got hurt during the second game of the WJC last year, (ankle), and missed the rest of the tourney. If he stays healthy he's a great passer and works well from behind the other team's net. Could centre a veteran line for team Canada with two other guys, (Howden and Connelly), getting a second shot at the world jrs.
Devante Smith-Pelly - Scarborough, Ont. Played 26 games with Anaheim this year getting 3 goals and 2 assists. But then NObody is scoring for the Ducks this year. Except Fowler. Anyhoo, he gets a point every game and half of them are goals. Has a good scoring touch to round out the top line on RW.
Mark Stone - Winterpeg, Man. Drafted by Ottawa. 6'3, 200 and shoots R. A RW with MASSIVE stats the past two years for the Brandon Wheat Kings! 37 goals, 107 pts in 71 games last year and 27 goals, 65 pts. in only 33 games THIS year. I'd like to see him with Scheifele and Pearson but Smith-Pelly seems to have that role. I think his huge talents might be wasted. He might have to scrap it out with Gallagher or Jenner for a spot on the fourth line.
Ryan Strome - Mississauga, Ont. Drafted by the Islanders. ANOTHER right handed shot! I LOVE it! Another Ice Dawg who can rack up the points. He's listed as a centre but I think he'll be playing right wing with Hamilton, (his teammate), as his centre. He figures to score a pile of points in this year's tourney.
So there you have it! A top line with the highest scoring teammates from the OHL. A second line that could have even MORE scoring. A third line with guys who didn't score enough last year and are out to redeem themselves. And a fourth line that just might outscore the top line of a lot of other teams. And a pretty high scoring defence corp. SCORING! I am going to LOVE watching these guys play even if they don't get the gold! GO CANADA GO!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
The 12 Nays of Christmas, (What NOT to get me for Christmas this year)
1. Money causes problems so I don't want that.
2. Fruit cake or a yule log would just make me fat.
3. Clothes, who knows? What's cool and what's not?
By the time I think it's cold it's hot.
Both the weather and the sweater you bought.
4. Gas ain't green and it ain't cheap so make another plan
if you want to buy for me a luxury sedan.
5. A trip to Chile, Down Under, Bombay, or somewhere I haven't been.
Nice thought but I'd hate to emmigrate from the Canada Christmas scene.
6. You know what'd be great? Real estate!
But family or mate, who gifts at THAT rate?!
7. A big screen 3D colour TV
would mean more time in the house for me
and that's not where I wanna be.
8. Fitness equipment could be of some use
but it smacks of cardiac abuse.
I'll ration my heartbeats and wear my clothes loose.
9. As Christmas draws near it's the holiday spirits
that make our time dearer sharing a beer or
SCOTCH
I'd welcome a Glen. Fiddich or Livet.
But Christmas this year I don't want to forget.
10. A black lab puppy, what could be cuter?
In my stocking all immunized and newtered.
I'll name him Dave. Dress him up like an elf.
Who am I kidding? I can't take care of my SELF!
11. A gas pill, an energy pill, one to silence my snoring,
One to make endentured servitude a little less boring.
A pill to cure my aches and pains, another to stop my sneezes.
Drugs? No way! They're not how to say, "Happy birthday, Jesus."
12. For me this Christmas, TO and FROM, all I want is a hug from my Mom.
Or a valued chum. A homeless bum. Heck just about ANYone.
Failing that just go back to number 1.
Christy Christ Christ everyone!
2. Fruit cake or a yule log would just make me fat.
3. Clothes, who knows? What's cool and what's not?
By the time I think it's cold it's hot.
Both the weather and the sweater you bought.
4. Gas ain't green and it ain't cheap so make another plan
if you want to buy for me a luxury sedan.
5. A trip to Chile, Down Under, Bombay, or somewhere I haven't been.
Nice thought but I'd hate to emmigrate from the Canada Christmas scene.
6. You know what'd be great? Real estate!
But family or mate, who gifts at THAT rate?!
7. A big screen 3D colour TV
would mean more time in the house for me
and that's not where I wanna be.
8. Fitness equipment could be of some use
but it smacks of cardiac abuse.
I'll ration my heartbeats and wear my clothes loose.
9. As Christmas draws near it's the holiday spirits
that make our time dearer sharing a beer or
SCOTCH
I'd welcome a Glen. Fiddich or Livet.
But Christmas this year I don't want to forget.
10. A black lab puppy, what could be cuter?
In my stocking all immunized and newtered.
I'll name him Dave. Dress him up like an elf.
Who am I kidding? I can't take care of my SELF!
11. A gas pill, an energy pill, one to silence my snoring,
One to make endentured servitude a little less boring.
A pill to cure my aches and pains, another to stop my sneezes.
Drugs? No way! They're not how to say, "Happy birthday, Jesus."
12. For me this Christmas, TO and FROM, all I want is a hug from my Mom.
Or a valued chum. A homeless bum. Heck just about ANYone.
Failing that just go back to number 1.
Christy Christ Christ everyone!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Curbside Coke
In my younger days I was a poor boy living in a large, Canadian city. Hamilton. Steel town. Stelco AND Dafasco. My Grandfather worked many years for the one and my Father had at one time, before I was old enough to eat my way through the rolling hills of candy he surely would have bought for me, worked for the other.
Most of my friends at the time were poor, but they got REAL goalie gloves for Christmas. They didn’t have to use their old baseball glove while playing net in street hockey. Gordie and Glen, a couple native kids next door to us, got store bought goalie pads one year and gave me their old ones made from the foam of a hacked up couch cushion. Playing goalie was maybe the one time I was kind of glad to be poor. When you didn’t make the save, I mean when you didn’t even see the ball coming and blocked it by pure fluke with one of the unpadded areas on your body, for example, the crotch, you were always glad when it was a cheap old fuzzy tennis ball and not the more expensive, orange, frozen manhood missile euphemistically called a “hockey ball.” Except, as any Canadian kid knows, when you’ve played enough street hockey that most of the players have slivers of Superblade so thin you could slice cheese with them and the fuzz on the tennis ball had become stringy and all fallen off leaving the black, rubber, oversized squash ball that was only slightly better than old “Orange Jewelless.”
Some of my friends got running shoes that weren’t blank on the sides but had the swirls and stripes that cost enough to be cool. I remember eating over at the McCollough’s place one time and tasting genuine Kraft Dinner, not the eight-for-a-dollar kind of macaroni and cheese. What was the name of that eight-for-a-dollar kind anyway? I think it was Eight For A Dollar brand macaroni in cheese in fact. THERE’S a company with a serious lack of foresight! But I heard they’ll make a comeback soon as One For Eight Dollar brand.
One of my early memories from childhood, (in almost all my childhood memories I’m 7), was sitting on the curb in the hot summer sun with my 9-year-old brother, Rob. For all I know it was after a game of street hockey but probably not because we were in front of the townhouse three townhouses down the street from ours and we usually played with the guys from our own townhouse and MAYBE the guys across the street. We could have been looking for pop bottles; maybe Mom told us to go get a jug of milk from Pete’s Variety; it might have been one of the times we ran away from home. It doesn’t matter what we were doing there. I remember it like it was - a helluva long time ago. But I distinctly remember daydreaming, like you do on a hot, summer holiday afternoon. I said to Rob, “You know what would be so cool?!” He probably didn’t answer being hot, lazy and two years older. “It would be so cool,” I continued completely undeterred, “to have a WHOLE bottle of Coke!”
And I recall I wasn’t talking about one of those stubby, short bottles. Remember them? If, as the story goes, the curves on the regular bottle of Coke were designed after the figure of Marilyn Munroe, the bottles I wasn’t talking about would have been, let’s say, the Paula Abdul bottles. Though at the time she wasn’t even famous. I had HAD a couple Paula Abdul bottles of Coke to myself by the time I was seven. They were nice, but they were no Marilyn Munroe! Incidentally I read somewhere that the Marilyn Munroe story was total bunk. The bottle was designed to look like the cocoa pod, an ingredient not even IN Coke. Some guys who didn’t have the internet way back then, were going to design it after the Kola leaf or the coca plant but couldn’t find a book in the library with a picture. And to add an aside to an aside, while visiting some countries in Asia I discovered where all those Paula Abdul bottles went! Now, because careful product testing, threshold market indicators and average household income tend to reflect a viable market, Cambodians, Thais, Filipinos and Viet Namese can get a tantalizing taste of “the real thing” just like we did in Canada way back when.
Where were we? Oh yes, the bottle I was referring to was the big bottle. What were they 67, 68 fluid ounces? Back in the days when Canadian liquids traveled in fluid ounces. I think Rob knew what I was talking about. So I continued. “And even though I wouldn’t be thirsty any more I could keep on drinking the WHOLE thing without sharing with anyone!” At that point Rob actually said, “Yeah.” Then I think we got carried away talking about abandoned ice cream trucks and having chocolate-ray vision. Or that could just be the way I have it in my head. It’s a good memory.
It wasn’t long until my wish came true. My Grandmother picked up my Mom, my brothers and me, and took us all to Windsor for a weekend trip to visit a relative of ours I had never met before. He was a chartered accountant or CPA or CPPA or whatever acronym was mandated by the accountant branch of the Cosa Nostra of Canada: government regulators back then. At least THAT hasn’t changed. There are STILL, in ANY line of work in Canada, certifications to buy, courses to take, taxes to pay, regulations to follow and bagmen to grease in order to practice “in their neighbourhood.”
Our Uncle Dave had two boys, Matt and Jeff, and a fridge full of Coke. It looked more like a slot machine to me and the fridge door handle was the one-armed-bandit’s arm. Only this baby was paying out! Matt and Jeff told me they could have a Coke any time they wanted! And while I was there I had about four or five myself. Though I wasn’t comfortable unless I took them sneakily. It wasn’t without a cost, however. I didn’t sleep the whole night. Partly because of the caffeine I suppose but mostly because I spent half the night dispensing the Coke, slot-machine-like, into the toilet. My weak stomach may have been partly why I didn’t see much of Uncle Dave, if I saw him at all, for the rest of my life. Other relatives knew. I was a five alarm nog risk at Christmas. Thanksgiving dinner at most places was served to me at the table nearest the bathroom with cranberries, stuffing and a bucket. I must have been dreaded by my relatives! But they took precautions and invited us all anyway. Most of them. Uncle Dave didn’t know that most things go into my mouth with the speed of a guy with three brothers and usually enough seconds for one: the first to finish firsts. He also didn’t know that with the pretty formidable rate that I could put food and drink down, both had a tendency to come up even faster. And everything Uncle Dave owned, being of higher quality than other family members of mine, was susceptible to many times the price in vomit damage. Anyway, the upshot of the whole story was, Aunt Elaine, (Uncle Dave’s wife), gave me something to settle my stomach: a bottle of Coke! “Just sip it slowly,” she told me. I have a lot of hospitable relatives who just wish I could have.
Matt and Jeff had all the toys even the RICHEST of the kids in our neighbourhood didn’t have. They had a pinball machine for crying out loud! And if that wasn’t enough, they had a swimming pool in the back yard. I had an inkling to that point in life that the world just might not be fair but it hit home to me when I visited Uncle Dave’s house. Matt and Jeff seemed no different from any of my brothers or me. We were in the same family. How did they get so lucky? I never thought the envy, desire and acid-tasting jealousy could be more intense in my soul, (or even anyone’s), than it was that weekend! Even with the endless Coke this was one of the bad memories from my childhood.
Now I’m a security guard. My job is to take care of things. Higher quality things. For people who are concerned that those expensive things might be damaged or even stolen by those people who aren’t used to having nice things.
“The fear of loss is a path to the dark side. Attachment leads to
jealousy. The shadow of greed that is.” Yoda.
If people could train themselves to let go of everything they fear to lose I’d have no job. Paladin, and all security companies like it, wouldn’t be booming. There wouldn’t be need for more prisons and laws to make more prisoners.
I think back to when I was a boy and the all-consuming jealousy with which I viewed other people who had the things I wanted to have. Could it be that if I were to somehow acquire all of those sought after possessions, the jealousy I guarded them with just might be even stronger?
I am drinking a Coke right now. If I want, I can go to the fridge and get another. If some guy just walked into my house, grabbed my bottle of Coke and ran away, I believe I would chase him down and beat him senseless. Who knows if I’d be able to control my rage enough to stop there?
Most of my friends at the time were poor, but they got REAL goalie gloves for Christmas. They didn’t have to use their old baseball glove while playing net in street hockey. Gordie and Glen, a couple native kids next door to us, got store bought goalie pads one year and gave me their old ones made from the foam of a hacked up couch cushion. Playing goalie was maybe the one time I was kind of glad to be poor. When you didn’t make the save, I mean when you didn’t even see the ball coming and blocked it by pure fluke with one of the unpadded areas on your body, for example, the crotch, you were always glad when it was a cheap old fuzzy tennis ball and not the more expensive, orange, frozen manhood missile euphemistically called a “hockey ball.” Except, as any Canadian kid knows, when you’ve played enough street hockey that most of the players have slivers of Superblade so thin you could slice cheese with them and the fuzz on the tennis ball had become stringy and all fallen off leaving the black, rubber, oversized squash ball that was only slightly better than old “Orange Jewelless.”
Some of my friends got running shoes that weren’t blank on the sides but had the swirls and stripes that cost enough to be cool. I remember eating over at the McCollough’s place one time and tasting genuine Kraft Dinner, not the eight-for-a-dollar kind of macaroni and cheese. What was the name of that eight-for-a-dollar kind anyway? I think it was Eight For A Dollar brand macaroni in cheese in fact. THERE’S a company with a serious lack of foresight! But I heard they’ll make a comeback soon as One For Eight Dollar brand.
One of my early memories from childhood, (in almost all my childhood memories I’m 7), was sitting on the curb in the hot summer sun with my 9-year-old brother, Rob. For all I know it was after a game of street hockey but probably not because we were in front of the townhouse three townhouses down the street from ours and we usually played with the guys from our own townhouse and MAYBE the guys across the street. We could have been looking for pop bottles; maybe Mom told us to go get a jug of milk from Pete’s Variety; it might have been one of the times we ran away from home. It doesn’t matter what we were doing there. I remember it like it was - a helluva long time ago. But I distinctly remember daydreaming, like you do on a hot, summer holiday afternoon. I said to Rob, “You know what would be so cool?!” He probably didn’t answer being hot, lazy and two years older. “It would be so cool,” I continued completely undeterred, “to have a WHOLE bottle of Coke!”
And I recall I wasn’t talking about one of those stubby, short bottles. Remember them? If, as the story goes, the curves on the regular bottle of Coke were designed after the figure of Marilyn Munroe, the bottles I wasn’t talking about would have been, let’s say, the Paula Abdul bottles. Though at the time she wasn’t even famous. I had HAD a couple Paula Abdul bottles of Coke to myself by the time I was seven. They were nice, but they were no Marilyn Munroe! Incidentally I read somewhere that the Marilyn Munroe story was total bunk. The bottle was designed to look like the cocoa pod, an ingredient not even IN Coke. Some guys who didn’t have the internet way back then, were going to design it after the Kola leaf or the coca plant but couldn’t find a book in the library with a picture. And to add an aside to an aside, while visiting some countries in Asia I discovered where all those Paula Abdul bottles went! Now, because careful product testing, threshold market indicators and average household income tend to reflect a viable market, Cambodians, Thais, Filipinos and Viet Namese can get a tantalizing taste of “the real thing” just like we did in Canada way back when.
Where were we? Oh yes, the bottle I was referring to was the big bottle. What were they 67, 68 fluid ounces? Back in the days when Canadian liquids traveled in fluid ounces. I think Rob knew what I was talking about. So I continued. “And even though I wouldn’t be thirsty any more I could keep on drinking the WHOLE thing without sharing with anyone!” At that point Rob actually said, “Yeah.” Then I think we got carried away talking about abandoned ice cream trucks and having chocolate-ray vision. Or that could just be the way I have it in my head. It’s a good memory.
It wasn’t long until my wish came true. My Grandmother picked up my Mom, my brothers and me, and took us all to Windsor for a weekend trip to visit a relative of ours I had never met before. He was a chartered accountant or CPA or CPPA or whatever acronym was mandated by the accountant branch of the Cosa Nostra of Canada: government regulators back then. At least THAT hasn’t changed. There are STILL, in ANY line of work in Canada, certifications to buy, courses to take, taxes to pay, regulations to follow and bagmen to grease in order to practice “in their neighbourhood.”
Our Uncle Dave had two boys, Matt and Jeff, and a fridge full of Coke. It looked more like a slot machine to me and the fridge door handle was the one-armed-bandit’s arm. Only this baby was paying out! Matt and Jeff told me they could have a Coke any time they wanted! And while I was there I had about four or five myself. Though I wasn’t comfortable unless I took them sneakily. It wasn’t without a cost, however. I didn’t sleep the whole night. Partly because of the caffeine I suppose but mostly because I spent half the night dispensing the Coke, slot-machine-like, into the toilet. My weak stomach may have been partly why I didn’t see much of Uncle Dave, if I saw him at all, for the rest of my life. Other relatives knew. I was a five alarm nog risk at Christmas. Thanksgiving dinner at most places was served to me at the table nearest the bathroom with cranberries, stuffing and a bucket. I must have been dreaded by my relatives! But they took precautions and invited us all anyway. Most of them. Uncle Dave didn’t know that most things go into my mouth with the speed of a guy with three brothers and usually enough seconds for one: the first to finish firsts. He also didn’t know that with the pretty formidable rate that I could put food and drink down, both had a tendency to come up even faster. And everything Uncle Dave owned, being of higher quality than other family members of mine, was susceptible to many times the price in vomit damage. Anyway, the upshot of the whole story was, Aunt Elaine, (Uncle Dave’s wife), gave me something to settle my stomach: a bottle of Coke! “Just sip it slowly,” she told me. I have a lot of hospitable relatives who just wish I could have.
Matt and Jeff had all the toys even the RICHEST of the kids in our neighbourhood didn’t have. They had a pinball machine for crying out loud! And if that wasn’t enough, they had a swimming pool in the back yard. I had an inkling to that point in life that the world just might not be fair but it hit home to me when I visited Uncle Dave’s house. Matt and Jeff seemed no different from any of my brothers or me. We were in the same family. How did they get so lucky? I never thought the envy, desire and acid-tasting jealousy could be more intense in my soul, (or even anyone’s), than it was that weekend! Even with the endless Coke this was one of the bad memories from my childhood.
Now I’m a security guard. My job is to take care of things. Higher quality things. For people who are concerned that those expensive things might be damaged or even stolen by those people who aren’t used to having nice things.
“The fear of loss is a path to the dark side. Attachment leads to
jealousy. The shadow of greed that is.” Yoda.
If people could train themselves to let go of everything they fear to lose I’d have no job. Paladin, and all security companies like it, wouldn’t be booming. There wouldn’t be need for more prisons and laws to make more prisoners.
I think back to when I was a boy and the all-consuming jealousy with which I viewed other people who had the things I wanted to have. Could it be that if I were to somehow acquire all of those sought after possessions, the jealousy I guarded them with just might be even stronger?
I am drinking a Coke right now. If I want, I can go to the fridge and get another. If some guy just walked into my house, grabbed my bottle of Coke and ran away, I believe I would chase him down and beat him senseless. Who knows if I’d be able to control my rage enough to stop there?
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