Merry Lunar Christmas!

We finally got a snowfall here in Victoria. It wasn’t in time for Christmas but since Christmas is 6 days before New Year’s Day, and since we got this snow 6 days before LUNAR New Year’s Day, and since I’ve spent so much time in Asia that I have become a bit of a lunatic, I’m counting this as a white Christmas.

It’s funny how a blanketing of snow can get a person into the Christmas spirit even weeks after Christmas when everybody is figuring out how much overtime and exercise they’ll have to do to pay for it. I watched one of two movies that have become my personal Christmas traditions: “Christmas Vacation.” I still laugh my jinglebells off every time I see that. The other is “Die Hard.” There’s no way to AVOID that movie at Christmas time in Korea. It seems to be on at least one station at all times. I always enjoy the dubbed voices in that. Especially the big, black cop’s. Maybe I’ll try to watch that one today. In Korean if possible. Ah, bachelorhood… If I had kids I’m sure I’d be watching Christmas puppet movies and old Christmas cartoons over Christmas. Even the new Disney stuff. I’m one of maybe 3 people on Earth who has never seen “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Maybe if I had kids… Anyhoo, I figured why not squeeze in one last Christmassy blog entry just under the wire? So here goes:

I don’t have any kids, yet, whose minds I need to prepare, (not to say tenderize), for their futures. But if, like me, you sometimes wonder at the ability of people to maintain hope in this crazy world, I think we have Christmas to thank, (or blame, depending on your viewpoint), for that. At least partially. Not so much the actual meaning behind the season, that of Jesus who gave hope to the world, no it’s the bastardization of our highest holy holiday that I think teaches kids how to have hope, faith and belief in the impossible.

Consider Jesus. His life was miraculous. Healing the sick; making the blind see again; walking on water; turning water into wine; feeding the 5000; calming the seas; making the lame walk; raising the dead and actually rising from the dead himself. For many years in Canada, and other Christmas-celebrating countries, the birth of Jesus, his virgin miracle if you will, was remembered, celebrated, sung about etc. etc. at Christmas time. Christ is the savior and it was Christ’s mass. I’m sure you all knew that. People taught their kids about Jesus too and most Christians learned when they were very young and believed their whole lives. When I said, “belief in the impossible” a paragraph ago, I wasn’t talking about Jesus. He was the son of God. There’s no impossible and I won’t quote all the Bible verses to that effect.

Who knows, maybe the world started changing and our forefathers found that the kids needed better training to prepare them for more modern problems they would have to deal with as adults. And then came Santa Claus. This past year Santa had roughly 463,800,000 stops to make in his journey. In the 10 hours of night across the world when kids in Christmas-celebrating countries have sugarplums dancing in their heads Santa would have 0.000078 seconds to get down the chimney, unload the loot, read the thank-you letters, eat the cookies, give the carrots to the reindeer and leave each house he visited. And speaking of the snacks, if Santa ate 3 Oreos and drank one cup of milk at each house, he’d consume 137,700,000,000 calories in that ten-hour tour. By the end of his trip, with 3500 calories in a pound of fat, Santa will have ballooned to about 37.5 million pounds. Nobody likes a skinny Santa. But with chimneys a fraction of the size they used to be, he’ll need a pretty twiggy figure. Good news though, experts calculate that the exercise he does during his yearly workday should burn off about a billion calories. For the other 136 billion I heard he’s got a Stairmaster at the North Pole.

All due respect to our lord and savior, Jesus, but that Santa is pretty amazing! But even HIS story is not the “belief in the impossible” I mentioned two paragraphs ago. I am constantly gobsmacked by the unflinching poise with which people today, not ONLY when they’re young, can put any hope in the steady stream of things they are told that rival the Santa story in spectacular improbability. You don’t know what I’m talking about? Well here’s a late Christmas present: a bouquet of B.S. “You can do anything you put your mind to.” "Cheaters never prosper." "I wouldn't change a thing about you." “No, you will not be locked into that agreement for two years.” “Because we care about the customer.” “We are fighting in parliament to help all Canadians.” “I love you.” “I want a man who’s honest.” “I want a woman who’s smart.” “It’s just business.” “This flight will only cost you $399.” “You need a degree or certificate to learn that.” “We can’t hire you if you don’t have the proper certification.” "For your protection" "For your convenience" "Corporations are people." “We’re all the same.” “We’re all unique.” “Deluxe” “I’ve only had one drink.” “We can still be friends.” “The price of _____ is going down.” “We’ll need your signature for that.” “It’s free!” “You’re free!” “We’re very happy.” “How are you?” “Have a good day.” “Merry Christmas.”

You get the idea. It’s hard to go a whole day without hearing someone tell you a tale just as unlikely as Santa Claus. But we’ve been prepared for it. We are conditioned from childhood to believe in the lost cause. The underdog. The impossible. And maybe it’s because that’s what we need. We need to believe in something or we’ll lose hope. Having a truly successful life may be the biggest long shot ever. But it was something people worked towards not so long ago. We seem to be getting away from it. You see, unlike the Jesus story, we learn as we get older that Santa isn’t real and we stop believing in him. And when life kicks the living shit out of you by the time you’re trapped in a loveless marriage complete with the responsibility of 3 kids and a massive mortgage you need to work two crappy jobs to pay every month maybe you stop believing that nonsense about a happy existence for a while. But then along comes Christmas and for a few weeks that belief finds its way back into your heart. You become more positive about things. You take joy in being with friends and family and giving. But for the other 48 or 49 weeks it’s back to reality. It’s the NEW and IMPROVED Christmas. Well BAH Humbug!

The snow has brought Victoria to a virtual stand-still. I think I’m going to settle in for a long winter’s nap and see if, against all the odds, I can go a whole day without any B.S. And it is my hearty holiday wish that you can do the same! Happy Martin Luther King Day and Lunar New Year. And Merry Lunar Christmas!