I work security at Teck, a large metal smelter. Just
training so far waiting for my security guard license and my driver’s license. I
worked security to put me through school in Canada so I could use my degree
outside of Canada and when I come back to Canada, I work security because, like a lot of Canadians, my Canadian university education (and a ticket) get me aride on the bus. It’s almost worthless here having a degree in English and half
a master’s in education ain’t even getting me a better seat on that bus. The
strange thing is, since coming home, I’m thinking that might not be the case
for so long. There are a lot more people, in the big cities and small towns as
well, that don’t speak English as their first language. I reckon they could
share some of the money with a Canadian that they earned since moving here, (a record high amount and I'm not talking about rumours of the government just handing refugees instant packages either) to brush up on their English skills a bit. But
that’s probably wishful thinking. Making them speak either of the languages of
Canada while they work here has probably found its way onto the long list of
things about which, as quality Canadians, we should be offended and/or
outraged.
I work with a bunch of Indians, and I would not use that
ignorant word to refer to any native Canadian, they’re from India and they all
speak English well. They learn it in school there. They’re fluent in a few
languages including English. They’re super smart and they work hard too. They
all seem to have second and even third jobs. I’m learning a lot about how my
country handles immigrants from my co-workers from India. As you might expect,
it usually makes me respect my co-workers (and for that matter any person
taking on the challenge of demonstrating to the Canadian government that they will
be a “successful,” “contributing” citizen of this country) a little more and my
country a little less. In my 56 years of life I have never qualified, by the
standards Canada uses, as a “successful, contributing” citizen. I don’t make
enough money and I don’t pay enough taxes. That’s what Canada wants from its
citizens foreign OR local: money. That and domestication. Our farmers want us
to be good livestock. Unspirited chattel.
One of the shapes our multi-faceted Canadian taxation can
take on is that of licensing and certification. It’s a sub-category under the
heading of “endless bureaucracy” that I am pretty sure I included in my magnum
opus blog post entitled “A Taxing Endeavor” way back when I wrote it and
calculated the 100% taxation rate the average Canadian endures. But I’ve lived
in Canada a minute longer than I had when I last posted and can add a story or
two to the main bullet point of it: it ain’t easy becoming Canadian again. And,
fair play, Canada knows it won’t get out of me what it gets out of these
zealous, energetic, obedient immigrants. Canada would rather I just stay the
hell out of Canada and has already welcomed me to the party that is living in the
Great White North by slicing me a hank of the cold shoulder meat and making me
sit at the card table in the corner with the kiddies.
I’m trying to do the Taoist thing and find the joy in my
current situation. I told my Mom, “Well, I knew getting started was going to be
the hardest part.” And she responded with a surprisingly Zen, “Yup. Just keep
that in mind. Soon you’ll look back on this and laugh at all these troubles.” The
Christians call this building up treasures in heaven. The military calls it embracing
the suck. I just call it being home again.
I failed my driver’s test again. That’s one fail for the
learner’s and two fails for the road test. It would take a big man to admit to
that much failure and I am not a big man. THIS time I had more practice under
my belt driving in Art’s car in Trail. And before I go any further, I’ve driven
for 30 years. I’ve driven 100 different kinds of car and truck, motorbikes,
three-wheelers, four-wheelers, snowmobiles, jetskis, heavy equipment like
loaders, graders, skidders, backhoes, even drove an 18-wheeler in a parking lot
one time. Hell, I drove a helicopter for about 7 seconds. I’ve had driving jobs
like delivering ice and working at a used car lot. I’ve driven in the bush for fishing,
firewood and as part of my diamond drilling job. I’ve done challenging driving
like going across a bridge that consisted of two beams a little wider than
truck tires in the winter WITH a load of super valuable core. I also had to
drive cars up onto those car lot platforms you used to see in front of
dealerships. You go up two planks at an angle that leaves you nothing but blue
sky out the window to look at.
I have driven a lot in my life so when I say “practice” I
mean shaking off the rust. I haven’t been driving for a while because it’s nowhere
near as necessary for everyone in the countries where I’ve been working. In
Canada driving IS necessary. Things are far apart. A lot of jobs that have
nothing to do with driving advertise that you need a class 5 license to do them
because the places you do them are impossible or very difficult to get to by
public transit and impossibly expensive by taxi. This gives the licensing
bureau an awful lot of power to push whatever rules, regulations and expen$e$ they
want onto pro$pective licen$ee$. $urely they wouldn’t take advantage of thi$
would they? $eem$ to be $omething wrong with my keyboard…
I practiced in Art’s car in Trail a few times since the last
road test fiasco in Nelson with Tami’s car. I was confident and Art was
confident. There was NO way they were gonna dog me this time! Even if they gave
me the same examiner I was ready! My test was at 2:50 and Art met me in front
of my place just after 2. It was supposed to rain on May 8th, but it
turned out to be a beautiful day. Maybe my luck was changing. I drove to the
office and went to park on the street where everybody parks to do their tests
and the whole street was blocked off. I had to circle around a few times to
find a parking space. Silver City Days start on the 10th. It’s an
annual festival in Trail. So I guess they were cleaning the streets. Not a big
deal. A little bump in the road, as it were, but we weren’t late so it wouldn’t
have any effect. Nothing to worry about.
I met my new examiner, Aaron I believe was her name, who
bore a shockingly similar list of physical qualities to the previous examiner!
Same age, gender, hair colour, body type, height, weight, choice of clothing, stern
and businesslike demeanor… but that was nothing to worry about either.
At the beginning of the test she actually TOLD me we’re
gonna be doing a lot of shoulder checking, and at the end of the test, the top reason
for failure was “A’s right turn shoulder checks.” A1 is shoulder check and A2
is scan. I guess if I take the course I’d know what the fuck that’s supposed to
mean although I’m certain it wouldn’t improve my driving. It’d probably make me
a worse driver. I have a case here and I will present it. Bear with me.
Let’s start with the first example of why I think this shoulder
check preoccupation, no doubt one of the foundations of the revolution in
defensive driving they teach in the courses these examiners seem mandated to
flog, is not just horseshit but dangerous horseshit. When I learned baseball,
the first thing I was taught was to keep my eye on the ball. When I learned
golf, the first thing I was taught was to keep my eye on the ball. When I
learned to drive, the first thing I was taught was to keep my eyes on the road.
And for very good reason! If I am in position A traveling to position B, almost
all potential hazards are in position B. It is true that in some instances,
like changing lanes, a hazard can come up from behind without you seeing it. It
has happened to me before. That is why I totally agree with shoulder checks and
blind spot checks when changing lanes. I changed lanes a few times, once
without being told to, and every time I did my blind spot check. Those were not
the shoulder checks she docked me for. No, the shoulder checks were ones that I
find completely useless to be honest but can learn about for the low, low price
of $979.99 from ICBC this month.
Throughout the half hour I spent driving Ms. Aaron I saw her
jerking her head around incessantly almost every turn I made. At the end of our
test Aaron said, “You need a little more practice.” By that she meant for the
low, low price of $979.99, but I was thinking, “Yeah I could still knock a
little rust off so give me my license and let me practice for the love of
Morgan Freeman!” Then she said, “You are trusting your mirrors too much and
still need to do more shoulder checks. You might have seen me doing them for
you.” I said, “Yeah I did,” and stopped myself before saying, “and can’t for
the life of me figure out what ghosts and goblins you were afraid might jump
out to get us,” or something like that. Here are a few examples that I think
fully illustrate my point although, being only heresy, will not stand up in a
challenge to Aaron’s assessment of my driving. Both Aaron and the previous
instructor made double sure I had no phone or other recording device that could
create evidence of anything I write about my two road tests. There’s a good
reason they do that, and I think it will become clear if it isn’t already.
We’ll start with the second thing listed on Aaron’s report as
a “violation” which, if I’m not mistaken, qualifies as an instant failure. She
wrote it as “35/30 exit playground zone.” We had been driving by Gyro Park and
through a playground zone and I had been keeping the speed at a steady 30. She
told me to turn right onto another road. I stopped at the stop sign, checked
over my left shoulder for traffic, pedestrians, dogs, cyclists, you know… and I
saw her jerking her head around to the right again. On the right was just the
side of the road. I think there was a sidewalk. I knew it was clear because I
had seen it and observed it to be clear while we were driving past it. Okay, I
was assuming that in the 3 seconds it took to stop and check the other, more
hazardous areas, nothing had materialized on that sidewalk, but I guess that’s
a violation of the new driving rules they teach for the low, low price of
$979.99. I proceeded right onto the street which had painted on the pavement “40
km/h.” I can’t say to a certainty, but I think during all her rubbernecking,
Aaron had missed the big, white “40 km/h” sign painted on the road because when
I accelerated to above 30 RIGHT OVER the “40 km/h” paint, she went, “Woah,
woah, woah, we’re still in the playground zone,” and wrote me up for it.
At the end of the exam when she asked if I had questions I
brought up the 40 km/h sign on the road and she had no idea what I was talking
about. I think she didn’t see it because her stupid right shoulder check took
her eyes off the more important stuff going on in the road in front of us. She
eventually equivocated by saying, “It meant 40 km/h AHEAD.” I’m gonna go check
and see and if it doesn’t why, I’m gonna – do nothing cuz there’s nothing I can
do.
Then came the bus. It was the 43 bus! The one I have taken
many times since living here in Trail. It goes between Trail and Montrose where
Mom and Art live. I was going through a 4-way stop through a lane that had an
island that forced me to turn right. Aaron hadn’t told me which way to turn so I
sort of jokingly said, “So right here I’m guessing?” Her response, “What does
the sign say?” On the island was a no left turn sign. So I said, “No left turn
ha ha ha.” I seriously think she thought I might have gone straight or left
there! That, I think made her nervous. While she was AGAIN checking the
sidewalk to our right that I had seen nothing on the entire length of the road
as we approached the intersection, I was checking other vehicles going through
the intersection and the 43 bus that had stopped at the bus stop on the right
side of the road we were turning onto. I executed the turn without the stupid
right shoulder check and because of that was able to observe the bus driver
waiting for me to pass, only turning on his/her left indicator when I was
beside him/her to let the motorists BEHIND me know the bus was turning onto the
street. All Aaron saw was me driving by a bus that had its left turn signal on
and she went, “Woah, woah, woah, you have to be aware of that bus.” All I said
was, “Yeah,” with the intonation of “Well duh!” But that didn’t convince her. Again,
I could be making this all up. No evidence.
Okay one more. Last one. We were at a 3-way intersection
with lights. I had a green and there was one car across the intersection who
also had a green but was not going because traffic in his lane was backed up to
the intersection and not moving. I looked to my left and saw traffic not
moving, looked behind the car across the intersection and there was no traffic
at all behind him, looked in my rear view and saw at least one car also
waiting, then I saw the motorist in the car signal me to make me turn. As I did
it I was thinking, “Oh man, I’m going down for this,” but not only did I get where
I was going but the car behind me did too. For all I know the car behind that
one too! I know that car had the right of way, but through driver communication
he relinquished it and allowed at least two other motorists to move. Keeping
traffic moving used to be something motorists were allowed to do even if they had
to alter right-of-way rules and use personal discretion. I guess that’s just
not allowed any more. The rules are more important than keeping traffic moving.
There was nothing unsafe about it, but, she was right, he had the right of way…
Okay I lied, one more example. I was in downtown Trail again
turning onto the bridge street. Again a RIGHT HAND TURN. Again there was a
little triangular island that allowed me only a right hand turn. But this time
there was also a crosswalk. I stopped at the crosswalk. I waited while a chance
to turn right and get onto the bridge road passed me by. Aaron actually opened
her mouth to ask me what I was waiting for or some such question when she saw
two pedestrians emerge from the right hand blind spot, wave at me, and cross
the crosswalk. With all her fucking rubbernecking she hadn’t seen them and
without the useless right hand turn shoulder check, I HAD.
I am being tested and evaluated on rules. Rules always have
limitations when you are dealing with the human brain. Rules are what you use
for beginners. The advanced can be trusted with personal discretion. Or at
least that’s the way it used to be. I guess not any more.
I’m SO disappointed! I can’t do another road test for a
month now. I don’t know if Teck is going to allow me to keep working there
since they want me for mobile security. This could have cost me my job!
Although, there are some things I can do that don’t require driving. I have
little doubt that the best course of action will be to sign up for one of these
courses for the low, low price of $979.99 so that I can learn how to be a worse
driver and pass my next road test. But I guess I’ll only have to do the damn
rubbernecking for ½ an hour and never again afterwards. It’s already tough
trying to remind myself to keep my hands at 10 and 2 and when I am turning not
to grab the wheel underhanded or do a one handed Karate Kid wax on spin of the
wheel.
There has been another setback in the security guard license
saga as well, but I should be getting it this week or next week. At least then
I’ll be able to wear the uni.
A bit of good news: I may have found a roomie named Fred.
But I’ll have more info on that next time. There’s no telling what suffering
Fred will cause me to take joy in!
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