All The Breast To You!

Boobs are great! I think I've been way too negative on this blog. Some other people do too. And some have suggested I write about something I like. Well, I like boobs. And before you go thinking I'm being a misogynistic creep here, the main suggest-er was a girl. So let us contemplate the female breast, at the request of someone who has two of them, shall we? 

Maybe the best thing anyone ever said about breasts was said by Conan O'Brien when he said, "The first thing men notice about women is their eyes. Then when their eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts." I can't argue with Conan on that. Another funny person, Rita Rudner, said, "Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. It's quite the opposite. A woman having large breasts makes a man stupid."

You may be able to see from the lists I am about to provide (genuflect) against my better judgment and the general content of this blog, but in accordance with a request I received, from a woman I'll have you know, that I don't always agree with Rita. I like small breasts sometimes. I like breasts of all kinds of shapes and sizes! To me, breasts bring me back to the days of my childhood in a way. Freud would go crazy with that statement I'm sure, breast-feeding and all. But what I meant was they remind me of candy. They are the candy of old age for me! I want to peel off their wrappers and suck on them all day, but, alas, I don't have enough money to buy them. 

Okay, if that offended you, you probably shouldn't read on. While I post this as an homage to the beauty of the female form, this may come off as an affront to women, the Me Too movement, objectivity and you name it. So proceed with caution. I hope you don't think less of me, but this was literally suggested to me as a blog subject by a female friend of mine. I will not disclose her name in the interest of maintaining her plausible existence. NO REALLY!!!

I thought about the suggestion for a while. Then I thought about boobs for a while. Then I realized that I'd been down that road a thousand times, only without any encouragement. The female in question, whether you believe she exists or not, asked me if I had any preferences as to size, shape, equality (because women rarely have two boobs the same size, in fact 90% of women have 15-20% diff), and other factors. I gave a non-committal answer, but she pried. She asked about celebrity boobs. Just to get an idea. Which were my fave; which were surprising; which weren't surprising; which were disappointing; and then we got on the MOST interesting subject of which celebrity boobs we'd like most to see. Because, you see, she TOO wanted to see some boobs that she hadn't. It's a strange, but wonderful thing about some gals, but THEY like seeing boobs too! I haven't met a dude, aside from gay guys (and even some of them?) who like seeing dicks in movies. Or in washrooms, showers, videos, popcorn buckets... Dicks aren't generally well accepted when they're waved around. If you disagree, why is it then that a guy who does so will almost always get a fine or a ticket or even get hauled into jail? Whereas, a girl who lets her girls get some sunlight will generally receive bashful reprimands from the police, if not standing ovations, then instructions to put them away. 

Me and my friend, who owns a couple of fine breasts herself, chatted about this. Then she, being a reader of my blog, said, "You should post about this." I didn't resist for long.

And so, crediting/blaming my friend for this, I'll happily type on, devoid of any political or moral recourse. Don't try to pretend you aren't interested. If you weren't, why are you reading this? This is going to be a super-objectifying listing of celebrity boobs and cleavage. You've been warned.

Okay, I'll start with the boobs I've seen (and we've probably ALL seen) that I thought would be great and they really WERE. Let's go backwards from 15. The other categories won't have 15 entries, but this one does because a lot of famous women are, bless their exhibitionist hearts, okay with boobie baring!

15. Tanya Roberts in "Beast Master." I'm old. She was not just Charlie's angel. And I think maybe during her time on "That 70's Show" she was packin' a little extra. She didn't need it. Her nude scene in that movie was legendary in my books.

14. Amanda Peet in "The Whole Nine Yards." Just WHAM! There they were and there they stayed for a while! She was not shy, bless her exhibitionist heart!

13. Julie Andrews in S.O.B. Yes! Her hills were alive with the... okay, too soon. Maybe I should save stuff like that until we get deeper into this.

12. Brooke Burke is someone you might not know. She was the host of a show rating beaches around the world and she was a bikini model. But she never got naked even though her show SHOWED some folks getting naked around her. Finally, she posed for some nude shots and it did not disappoint. Because you may not know who she is, I post the following pic:

11. Kate Winslet. I don't need to post any pic here because the whole world saw her boobs in the Titanic. And they were lookin' pretty noice!

10. Uma Thurman was in a movie with Glenn Close and John Malkovich early in her career called "Strange Liaisons," and there was a quick glance of her boobage that must have worn some VHS tapes out rewinding, pausing and so forth.

9. Denise Richards in "Wild Things." Nuff said.

8. Angelina Jolie in "Gia." And if you doubt the stats about uneven boobs, there's plenty of footage here. You don't need micrometers to see, but... who cares? These are some of the nicest boobs I've seen ever!

7. Halle Berry in "Swordfish." It was contrived and not important to the plot, but who cares? Not me!

6. Heather Thomas in the movie "Zapped." I still don't know if this was a body double or not, but the poster of her in her pink bikini gave me a pretty good idea... and the movie was what I expected.

5. Emma Ratajkowski has been shot nude in lots of mags. Her nudity in the music video for "Blurred Lines" she says she regrets cuz it might not have been as artistic. Again, who cares? Not me!

4. Alexandra Daddario was nude in "True Detective" but I didn't see that movie until I saw some movies she WASN'T nude in like "The Layover" with another person who will appear in this post. She is freakishly perfect and even though Conan O'Brien might argue with me, the first thing I WOULD notice about her would be her eyes. But, of course, he's right about what would happen after...

3. Jamie Lee Curtis was topless in a very good movie from my movie-going days, "Trading Places." I watched that recently and was shocked at its impropriety! But still, what a rack!

2. Nicki Minaj is always "accidentally" showing her spectacular boobs. I don't mind that a bit! 

1. It may not surprise anyone reading this that my number one boob flash on this list is the number one pause point in video history, "Fast Time at Ridgemont High." I think Phoebe Cates was one of, or maybe the most gorgeous women of the 80's. I, for one, (of millions) will be eternally thankful for her swimming pool, "Living in Stereo" scene from that movie. I can't hear that song or watch that movie without thinking about her knock-out knockers! And, as mentioned before, they're not very big, just, as the French say, "enough to fill a wine glass." 

All right, I already feel like a bit of a heel. This seems like something I might be writing for a skin book or chatting with a horndog friend. Getting a little uncomfortable here. But it's what my imaginary friend wanted, so I'll keep on going. Please don't hold this against me but we'll now get into an even MORE judgmentally evil category: the boobs that I thought would be good, but were disappointing. Now... let me say this: just because boobs are disappointing doesn't mean I don't like them. In fact, I'm pretty sure most guys will say the same. Boobs are like pizza, even when they're bad, they're still pretty good. I've never said, "Oh, shame on her for showing her boobs!" while watching a movie or music video. I wouldn't even say that to a 99-year-old woman! I've been to nude beaches before and I've seen topless AND bottomless women who were not exactly rockin' fantabulous funbags. But to me they brought a smile to my face and a tingle to my crotchal area anyway. I'm going to say that even though the next entries to this (unusual) blogpost are entitled "disappointing," I still got a boner for every one of them! 

I can't believe I'm writing this! I hope you are happy, my female friend that everyone will think I made up. Only 10 in this category and they were really hard to think of. Cuz I like all boobs when they're set free!

10. Reese Witherspoon was topless in a vampire thing I didn't watch. But I saw the clips. I gotta admit, I thought her boobs would be different. This is NOT to say they weren't nice, just not as perfect as the rest of her. And sue me for saying her boobs were not perfect! They were still great! :-)

9. Same goes for Demi Moore. I think I would have preferred to see her girls BEFORE they got all blown up and fake before she showed them to us in "Striptease." Probably would have been nicer. But this is not to say they weren't nice, just, you know, not real.

8. Cameron Diaz has some nice boobs! But after seeing "The Mask" I just thought they were bigger. I wish I didn't have such heightened expectations.

7. Maggie Gyllenhaal is as cute as a button! I absolutely love her! And her acting is as good as her brother's. I have a crush on her. Even after seeing her naked on screen. Again, even if my brain wasn't as impressed with her as with the list above, my weiner still was. Ugh, I KNEW this would be the hardest category! But I promised.

6. Teri Hatcher said on Seinfeld that her boobs were real and they were spectacular. I don't know if I'd go that far after seeing them in a B movie with Julia Robertses bro. I forget the name of it. Down south, in the Louisiana swamps. Anyhoo, nice, but not thrilling.

5. Marilyn Munroe was a blonde bombshell and looked great showing cleavage, but when she finally got naked, her bod wasn't as great as I thought it would be. Now, she was from an era long before I had testosterone, so that might be why this phenomenon occurred. But when compared to another blonde bombshell from her era (on my next list) I don't know how she was more popular. Different era, different ideas of beauty I guess.

4. Not surprisingly it was in a movie when she was portraying Marilyn Munroe that Mira Sorvino first bared her boobage and it was a let down. I have to say again, ABSOLUTELY not bad boobs, but not as good as I'd hoped for. 

3. Meg Ryan was the Alexandra Daddario of my day. Only with blonde hair. Her eyes WERE the first thing I noticed. I am not lying! I hardly even thought about her chesticles. In "When Harry Met Sally" when she's wearing that blue gown on New Year's? Oh my GOD Magnum! Her eyes were POPPIN' and I fell in love! But I gotta admit, in the Doors movie when she got topless, she fell off that pedal stool I had her on. (IT crowd joke)

2. Okay, I feel like such a humongous heel for the last 8 entries, but the next two... not so much. Tara Reid in the "Big Lebowski" was HOT! She was hot for so long! What the frig did she do? Her and Lindsay Lohan! Like watching a priceless wax sculpture melt.

1. Janet Jackson during the halftime show of Superbowl 38. Even though it was totally not a "wardrobe malfunction" and even though it was probably done to increase her popularity, that was not the best boob in the world. So many pics of her while clothed hinted that she had some dynamite knockers underneath! She shoulda kept us thinking that. Crazy sun nipple covering or not, that was a CAREER malfunction.

Okay, now that I feel like a complete asshole, I'll try to bail myself out with a list of boobs I haven't seen, but I'd like to. The first one and the last one could be shockers.

Take a look at this:

Queen Elizabeth II was a stone cold beauty! And don't pretend you can't see the bosom that's bustin out of that dress. She's probably got the best hidden bazooms of all time! Back then or even right now, I don't care, I'd throw her some beads at Mardi Gras! 

9. Scarlett Johansson had some shady, blurry pics circulated, and she's been in a few movies with "muted" nudity, but I bet to see her boobs clear as day would be like looking straight into the eyes of Medusa! You'd probably turn to stone. Or at least part of you would...

8. Kate Upton is one of those gals that just has IT. She is probably the Marilyn Munroe of our times. She's not as gorgeous as a girl from her time who shows up on this list at number 5, but she was WAY more popular! Kate Upton gets S.I. Swimsuit edition covers over girls with "model" figures while she's considered kinda fat. I love her for that and even more for her sense of humour. And then there are two other assets she has...

7. Jessica Alba's boobs are not big but all natural and from what I've read and heard, nourished with only the healthiest of foods and drink, so they're EXTRA special! 

6. Winona Ryder was popular for a time and she did a lot of movies in which it seemed like she, or the movie makers, did their best to hide her, uh, femininity. Finally, when Brahm Stoker's Dracula came out and we saw the unforgettable scene with white top in the rain running... well you know. It was mamor... I mean memorable.

5. Jayne Mansfield was just a hard body that made all the other sex symbols of her time jealous. Sophia Loren for example: beautiful! Here she is looking sideways in a very famous picture at the assets that Jayne has but she didn't. She might be thinking how much more famous she could have become if she was the lucky one in this picture. Or maybe she was admiring those beauties like we all can't help but do!

4. Katy Perry if we stick with what Conan said, has the eye of the Tiger but when that eye isn't looking at us, we tend to check out one (or two) of her other formidable features. She too has some magnificent eyes! I could get lost in them if she didn't have such a distracting pair of, well see for yourselves...

3. Jennifer Love Hewitt. JLH. She's a mistress (some of you will get that) of mystery. What do those glorious golden orbs look like? She's been majestic in her presentation of them leaving the horndogs disappointed and the regular guys thirsting for more. There is no third category there. No guy can look at her, no matter what age, hormone level, or possibly even sexual preference, without lusting after her. Even when she's not even trying! But in some films and TV shows, she has been trying. Yet, alas, we have no confirmation of what we fantasize is hidden beneath her sweaters or her skimpy workout clothes. 

2. We're almost done this post that makes me feel creepier than I've ever felt here before. I kind of regret agreeing to doing this now. Please don't hold this against me. But, on the other hand, I'm kind of going with the flow here and it IS fun to share my preferences on my blog. We all have crushes on famous people, and these are mine. Number two is only second to Phoebe Cates. 

Those just might be the best boobs in the whole world! And I haven't seen them. That's what keeps them up there on the list. 

Number one probably is a downgrade from number two, but the mystery is a great deal more. This is only to see her tits, mind you, I don't feel like I'd have any connection to her on a personal level. I'm sure I'd love Tyra. She's more untouchable, number 10 on this list, probably. And for some reason, she's the one and only person on this list I don't feel too bad about objectifying. Probably because she has already shown her own inhumanity in so many ways. But that still hasn't distracted me from the one (or two) and only thing (or things) that interest me about her: 

Here she is getting her vaccine. I guess the fact that she sometimes does stuff her father wouldn't like interests me too, but it's mostly the boobs. I confess to total shallowness here: by FAR the thing I like most about Ivanka is her boobs. And they're probably fake, bought by Daddy, but they top my list. 

If you are as shallow as I am, and you have made it this far, share with me your agreement, or disagreement with my opinions. I know only one person I'm sure will be interested in this, but I bet some others will be, even if they're not supposed to be...

I apologize to anyone who needs the apology.