The Hue of My View

 It's February and I am officially on holidays! Yay! I don't have to go into work today (Feb. 1). My current state of being includes a complete absence of work, which is the best part about holidays, but as I've gotten older, I've developed this ability to not so much concentrate on the negative as obsess about it a little bit, colouring my viewpoint on things a tad darkish at times. My viewpoint is sometimes more of a hue than a colour I suppose but I maintain that it makes me more authentic, if not more agreeable. 

I could be happier to be on vacation right now, but please allow some avuncular curmudgeoning, my dear reader. I try to edify even with my bellyaching in a drunken uncle sort of way. I am technically still employed and will get more pay from my employer even though I have probably done my last (erg?) of work for them. So I know I'll likely have to update my CV and send out tens of application packages which no longer merely consist of resume and cover letter, (OH NO!) but must include any or all of the following: pertinent information at the very least in triplicate; all certificates and diplomas probably stamped, sealed or apostilled by a stranger of some office who we pay to do so; a current photograph I currently don't have and won't until I can somehow become or appear younger; original records of employment which, are harder to get from my past employers than original records of the Beatles; online applications from the websites of the specific institute to whom I am applying, which will be chock full of skill-testing electronic, technical and cyber gymnastics to be sure; a criminal record check from my home country proving that I haven't committed a magical stealth crime in Canada to which the office requiring the CRC has documented evidence I have not returned since they superfluously required the same document of me exactly one year ago (point of fact: I have a passport that was issued in China in Feb of 2017 and has not a single stamp from Canada, confirming my absence from the country, or any crime scene therein, for five years, every year of which I have been forced to procure and pay dearly for criminal record checks, which ultimately verify (again and again and again and again and fucking AGAIN) that I have not committed a crime in a country where I haven't been); about half a dozen or more passport-sized photos that need to be attached to immigration documents, application documents, emails of CV's, diplomas, records of employment, and, (why the hell not?) the current photograph; letters of recommendation from past employers who I no longer work for, and for good reason, who would probably lie if contacted and say the opposite of what they (truthfully, though begrudgingly) wrote in said letters; a written statement of my teaching philosophy over which I laboured, sweat and finally shed a tear when I had captured the sentiment in a veritable single-page bouquet of well-chosen words that nobody will skim over, much less read; a sample 16-week, full semester curriculum that I give permission for any prospective employer to (treat me like they've hired me and) steal from me to use for their personal gain in case they decide against hiring me for any reason; a scan of my passport photo page; a scan of my alien registration card, which also has a photo; and the requisite resume and cover letter accompanied by a photo so they have more headshots than their last game of Counter-Strike Global Offensive. But, this may not be such a bad thing because if I go to an interview in this appearance obsessed culture, I may be chosen for the job because some old and senior member of the university board of governors who didn't look at any of my credentials, papers or experience and might not have even been able to understand my answers at the interview, liked my face. Though it's hardly recent, I think I had this taken for a job I did in Indonesia and I KNOW I haven't worn a tie in over two years, this is literally my money shot:

I am not exaggerating. I've actually been told more than once that I have received work here in Korea because I "look like a teacher," or "have a good face." So why the other crap? Well, I think it's simple. Even if we aren't progressing or moving forward, indeed, in some areas, like education, even when we're going backwards, we love to fake like we're advancing. We put a lot of effort into that falsehood too, don't we? If you remember a recent post in which I bought some "premium" pasta, I've noticed this in the area of food so much! And I'm not the only one. I have recently discovered a comedian named Robert Mac that I think will be huge soon. I'd like to post one of many parts of his act here that I think is absolutely brilliant. He's talking about burritos. 

"Now there are all these artisanal places like L.L. Bean Burrito Company and you have to get the Portobello burrito, which are these condescending mushrooms that are marinated in white wine and then reduced with black beans and goat cheese and fresh cilantro and then they're pureed and put into a pastry bag and squirted into this organic, hand-tossed holy tortilla, topped with a sundried tomato, white wine butter sauce on the side and mixed baby green salad, roasted pine nuts and a red pepper vinegarette and a blue corn polenta with a tequila lime chutney and sprinkled with amaranth and quinoa... just the way the Incas had their burritos." 

Ha ha ha. "Condescending mushrooms." Portobello mushrooms are like "apostilled" documents. I think I wrote a whole blog post on THAT choreographed dance of societal hypocrisy before. I think I called it "Apostille Apostate." You KNOW I've talked about banking, government, politics, and other more personal societal mores that we all seem to obey with full (or at least partial) knowledge of their stupidity and sometimes pure corruption. When was the last day, I mean an entire day, when you didn't do anything fake? You didn't lie, white or black, you didn't smile at someone would rather hit with a Counter-Strike Global Offensive headshot, you didn't act or behave "professionally," you gave your unabashed opinion and spoke with complete honesty to everyone you talked with... when was the last time? I consider myself to be exceptionally honest because I'm in a social position more conducive to it than most, and I can't remember a day like this. If I ever had one, it was probably in early childhood before I understood the communal contract of fraud we are kind of forcefully pressured into volunteering for. 

This is probably one of the biggest reasons I detest looking for work. It's probably why, until just recently, I was seriously entertaining signing on for another year of working the lowest paying job in Korea. I don't think I would have accepted the same contract, but after writing the above and giving it some thought, I have to tell you that although I've already said I've probably done my last erg of work for the people who hoard a perfidiously large portion, let's call it the lyin' share of the income generated by my many ergs of work, I could still be persuaded to sign on for another year. I've said it before, but I truly believe that this is one of the reasons why ESL teaching jobs in Korea have become so labour-intensive, expensive and tedious to apply for. It's time-consuming, unnecessary and fake, but it softens you up for the time-consuming, unnecessary and fake shit you will undoubtedly be charged with excreting as a regular part of your job, should you manage to take a convincingly time-consuming, unnecessary and fake dump for the hiring committee to see during your interview. 

Well now my viewpoint hue is darkening somewhat. Don't get me wrong, I like teaching. I have only taught adults here and I like that better than teaching kids. I may be overstating the case just a scosche when I compare what I do with laying an evenly browned, soft-serve ice cream consistent triple coiler for my students every class I teach. The shit metaphor was brought on by the part of the job I hate: every other part of the job. It starts with the prostrate supplicance to the employers in an employers' market who already have me by the balls and THEN learn that I don't have a masters degree to add to my arsenal in this engagement of affectation we all euphemistically call the job interview. They know the masters degree doesn't get them a better teacher. In fact they might be looking for an applicant without one in order to pay that teacher less and/or treat him/her worse. I try to sell them on my experience being more important than a masters degree, but they cleverly parry that thrust with questions of why I haven't lasted longer than three years with any of my previous employers. 

What do I do here? I COULD tell the truth and send this interview into never-before-seen honesty by saying that they should all be well aware of the corruption inherent in the Korean education system and, hence, the many legitimate reasons for an honest person to quit a job. I could even state that staying more than a few years at one gig here in Korea would imply or possibly even prove my collaboration in that corruption. I could further dig my grave by honestly stating my pride in my record of jumping from job to job in the ESL institutions around Korea. They could virtually end the interview by lobbing the nuclear grenade, "Sorry, we are looking for a long-term employee. Thank you for blah blah blah." So I can't do that.

Instead I cite a few reasons why I have left jobs that probably won't be believed such as being at an institution where they have changed the policy to having only teachers with masters degrees (3 times! Cheonan Gongju Dae, HUFS, both after a year of work and Han Gyeong University just days before they hired me (I had even been written into the schedule there!)); working for people who were psychologically imbalanced and on medication for it; having the institution go out of business because a primary investor was thrown in Chinese prison for business fraud; my employer was not paying me, or any of my fellow teachers for all of the overtime we worked and doubled the work while offering no extra pay and no notice mid-contract (which is illegal); my employer requested, then demanded I commit academic fraud (a few places); the government investigated the business where I was employed and charged them with fraudulently acquiring improper visas for their teachers (not in Korea but I have brought this up to stress the bad luck I've had); or even just being offered a better job, or so I thought. As I'm saying all this, I see my value diminishing and the confidence of my enemy, the hirers, increasing. So I usually have to concede this point and move on with the battle, I mean the interview.

The interview usually has questions I have prepared for, but now more than ever before it includes a sample lesson. Well here again it's just complete play acting. They give you 10-15 minutes to act like you are teaching. You have never taught a 10-15 minute class so it's already a joke. They aren't real students, and you don't know their level. You would usually have sent the lesson ahead of time or done some "classroom flipping" if you'll pardon the Portobello term, to prep them for the lesson. What do you do? Tell the interviewers what normally would have happened before the lesson? What I do is I choose a first lesson that I do quite often. It's a little paper I hand out to each student and they fill out a few pieces of introductory information on it, then basically I show them how to introduce each other and make small talk. I tell them how boring the answers they all know are. "I am fine thank you and you," is written on the board and mocked. I give them many options. Then I write a few things on the board that clarify grammar and then I schmooze them all by introducing myself, even shaking hands with them, before letting them loose on each other for a few minutes. Then I end the lesson telling them how nice it was to meet them all. I tell them next class we will start by answering a few questions about people in the class like who has two kids, or who is from Busan? That's it. It has worked for me. TWICE! But possibly it was just my teacher face. I never can tell.

Congratulations, it says in your email, you have been chosen to work at such and such university. They wouldn't be so congratulatory if they know what you are in for in the next week or two. Almost every job I've been offered has been toward the end of the hiring season so I've never had even a month to prepare for a new job. What a luxury that must be! I have always had to hustle over to immigration with all of the papers that are necessary. They WILL make you come back with something else completely unnecessary. That's their job. Like maybe a health check, but not just any health check, a health check done by an approved hospital somewhere in Korea where you aren't. And they won't tell you this or give you a list (which they have) of hospitals that are acceptable, in hopes that you go to one of the UNapproved hospitals where you ARE, thereby forfeiting money, energy and the very valuable time that is wasting away before the start of the semester. I'm not saying health checks are unnecessary, but I had to get one last year, and if I'm employed again THIS year, will probably have to get another one. They know I haven't been outside Korea for two years. They have on their immigration computer screens, or just a phone call away, every medical thing you've done in Korea. Those records are no secret. I know this from experience although there may be laws that, hah, say otherwise. Laws are suggestions sometimes. 

I've been sent away to get a plane ticket I didn't need, utility bills to prove residence in Korea, proposed work schedule at my new job, I could get into another lengthy semicolon list here, but suffice to say, they will INVENT ways to make sure you don't just have ONE visit to immigration. That makes for the most dreaded part of being in Korea for me because the people who work most with foreigners in Korea, immigration workers, are the people who hate foreigners most in Korea. This is not just my very well informed opinion, it comes straight from the mouths of not one but TWO of my former students who actually worked for the Seoul immigration office for a while. And Seoul has one of the GOOD ones! This is also how I know that they send you out of the office to get information that they already have. One of them flipped the screen around and showed me that my degree had been verified several times (many more times at my expense since) and didn't need to be verified again, but she said I'd have to do it one more time. She was right. 

Congratulations! You have completed the stressful immigration process. Now, if you are not returning to the same job or if you are not working on an F1 visa, you need to go on a visa run. SHIT! You've forgotten again to establish at interview time how much, if any, of the visa run expenses your new employer will take care of. Because you forgot, or maybe even if you had remembered, that would be zero. YOU are 100% responsible for the cost of the trip and the visa. Back in the day there was NO place who wouldn't at least chip in, but this is yet another way the "nice" teachers are being spanked by Korean employers. So you try to find the cheapest country to go to that has a Korean embassy or consulate where you can get the proper papers/passport stamps. Japan has been my choice for most of my visa runs. Fukuoka is fast but not cheap. I go there because I can now find my way to the embassy, (and now to many pretty cool sites to see within walking distance) almost completely from memory. I also know a couple of reasonable places to stay and websites where I can reserve them. 

But if you are in the beginning of an international pandemic and you need to go on a visa run... That was me last year. Japan was out. I had to go to Guam. Even MORE expensive and I almost didn't make it out of there! That was a sphincter tightening ordeal you can read about on this blog. So I'm NOT sure of this, but I think the visa runs are most likely the reasons I have had to do all those medical checks. If I had stayed in the clean country of Korea, I wouldn't have had to be tested for STD's (which is in actuality what these tests are for). BUT, I went to Guam. That's essentially the US. Okay, "medical check." But anyway...

You made it back from your visa run. Now you need to move. You need to find a place near the university/college/hagwon where you'll be working because the trend is toward "needing" the teacher at the institution more and more. As blogged about recently, the apartment shysters who own places close to universities/colleges etc., they know the contracts of the teachers and they know the pay and the housing allowances they are receiving. So they set their prices accordingly higher. Even though their apartments are worth what are usually offered as housing allowances. And let's not forget, let's NOT fucking forget, you are either already late for the start of semester or you are severely pressed for time. So you take whatever you can get. The students have already filled up the good stuff anyway.   

Now you need to find a mover. Plug for the movers of Korea here! I have either had very good luck with movers or this is, as yet, a less corrupted industry here because it's cheap and efficient. I would like to see some of the movers I've had in Korea take over the positions of importance in the universities. THEN we'd have something! You get the odd badly carried article or something overtaped, but even in my darkening hue of negativity I have to say, the movers of Korea are awesome!

Now you're in a new city, you have to find new places to shop for everything, new friends, new watering holes, restaurants, hiking trails, to avoid yet another semicolon list, you begin to wonder if you've made the right choice. I guess it IS an adventure if you've maintained the positivity to look at it like that, but it would have saved SO much money, time and stress to just stick with the job you had! And this, at long last, is why you have to be Fakey McFakeface when you're dealing with people at your workplace who are so OBVIOUSLY trying to make things worse for you. It's just such a feeling of dread to go through this all again! If you're LUCKY!

I've been told to my face by my current supervisor that I don't work enough for what I make. I've had this before. Office girls who are just busting into the work world who don't realize that their main purpose as supervisors of the foreign teachers is to be deflectors or "buffers" as I call them. We don't know who to go to with our problems or suggestions other than them, and they are too young, inexperienced and/or stupid to do anything for us. This way we don't bother the higher ups or hold them accountable. Theoretically. For me, after getting rid of the ridiculous amount of mandatory office hours - because it was absolutely the right thing to do, I guess it was decided that I needed a buffer. Usually they work 40 or more hours a week and are jealous of the teachers' comparatively light work schedules. Knowing little to nothing about what the teachers do, at work and at home, and what they have done in their 20+ years of ESL teaching, not to mention all of the above AND being so far from home, they reckon we shouldn't be paid much more than they are. But usually they don't tell us this...

I am about a thousand percent sure I will have a highly bloggable experience of foreign fuckery if I sign on for another year here at my current position, but even knowing that, I feel sometimes like I could suck it up, put on my phony grateful face like I did last year when I took this job just to get through the pandemic, and make things easier for myself in many ways. Staying put is easier in every way other than possibly the job. And who knows? Maybe any job I take at this point could be worse than I expect and even worse than the job I have now.

It sounds like I'm trying to convince myself to stay here. I'm not. I've decided that I won't stay if they don't improve this position considerably. And I don't think they will. The question now is what kind of fakery will I need to employ to land an alternate job? Or will I be able to do it at all?

I have about a month to find out.

But, yaaay. I'm on holidays this month. Now can you see the hue of my view?