Screen Door on a Submarine

You want a quick example of market manipulation and how much control big companies have over us, the people they own? Here you go:

Lime Gillette shaving cream.

There are some things about the world we don't need proof of, we just know. I know from the beauty and the insanely irreducible complexity of the world and all that's in it that there must have been a creator. I know that even though we can't sense it or quantify it, love is a powerful force. And I know that in the history of male hygiene, never has a man said, "I think I want my face to smell like lime."

But try to find a man who's never bought one of these lime muddafuckas. I bet a lot of the women of the world have had limey legs at one time or another. Or wherever they shave... I have a can of this stuff right now that's about half finished. It's been around forever. Not just MY can, but lemon-lime Foamy. MY can has only been around for a few months. But speaking of that, here's another question: Have you ever FINISHED one of these? It's not easy. Sometimes we keep one long enough to get a round rust stain on the bathroom sink where it sits, but usually we keep it just until we get some shaving cream that smells like something we want our faces to smell like. Then we chuck it. Or we might keep it around rusting till our other can runs out. It's interim shaving cream at best.

I think I've bought more of the small cans for travel than the large ones. Come to think of it, in all the countries I've been to, there it was! Because it was the only kind available at the airport I probably paid more than the big can price too. But let's be honest, for a can of shaving cream that lasts longer than I've lived in any apartment, this is one of the cheaper products available to mankind. So is it the economical price that makes it so popular? Is it the international marketing? I'm not so sure.

Remember the half lemon half lime that used to be on the can? Here's a commercial from 1960:

We also know that Gillette Foamy can't stop a roller coaster.

 

Remember that one? Member? Member? But was it stellar advertising that gained this apparent dud such ubiquity? I think not. Here's my guess: I picture Mr. Gillette smoking a long cigar and drinking a cocktail at, I dunno, Mar-a-Lago or wherever the filthy rich go to thumb their noses at the little people. He's talking to Mr. Loofah and Mr. Bathroom Slippers about how they got the world to use their useless products and he says that his razors are a necessity to most men. "But wouldn't it be a lark to create something totally useless like you fellows and have the entire world use it?" he chortles. "How about a cream men put on their faces before shaving?" "Too useful," Mr. Bathroom Slippers criticizes in his Asian accent, "Then they know where they shave and where they not shave."

"Good point, B.S." says Mr. Gillette. At this point Mr. Loofah looks at his lime Rickey and says, "By Jove, I have an idear!"

I think there's a good chance Gillette Lemon-Lime Foamy is a practical joke. Good thing Mr. Loofah wasn't drinking a Martini or my face would smell like an olive right now. And, yes, I think Loofahs are largely useless. You're basically rubbing yesterday's and the day before's, and maybe a bit of the day before THAT'S dry skin all over yourself.

And bathroom slippers are the biggest of the three mysteries. But here in Asia, things tend to be a bit more mysterious. I remember my first day in Korea, which was my first day in Asia. I was brought to the door of MY apartment. The apartment where I'd live for the next year. MINE. Not shared with anyone else. And when I broke the plane of the threshold with my shoes on, my Korean boss acted like I'd killed the last dragon in Korea. "SHOES! SHOES! You MUST take off SHOES!" So I apologized profusely and took off the shoes I was wearing. He showed me around and when we got to the bathroom and I broke the plane of the threshold, Mr. Lee acted as though I'd just said that kimchi was invented in Japan. "SLEEPUH! SLEEPUH! You MUST take on SLEEPUH!"

"Oh you mean THESE 'sleepuh' designed for discomfort for all but the daintiest feet?" I didn't say. I asked why and he gave the excuse that the floor might be "slippy." I am convinced that they think the word "slipper" came from that, not from the fact that you can just slip them on. "Well maybe if you'd invest 4 bucks in a shower curtain and stop showering the entire bathroom daily to clean it..." I also didn't say. Maybe they should have ass slippers too because the toilet seat, (when there's a toilet), is always wet from this "cleaning" ritual they all observe. I've never slipped off the toilet but if you're in a hurry, sometimes you get a wet arse.

So I guess what it comes down to is when you go to the home of a Korean, they don't want you to wear your shoes. They want you to wear THEIR shoes.

Not sure where I was heading with this but gimme a break, it's been over two months. My bloggin' shoes are a bit crusty. I think I was going to list a few more useless things. Like Korean bread packaging. They've come a long way since I first came here back in '97, God love 'em, but they still haven't quite figured out the bread thing. They have this notion that sealing the top of the bread bag is a good idea. Like they pass the bag through one of those plastic melting devices. Fine and dandy, you won't have anyone opening up the bread and handling it or sniffing it or, (is this REALLY a danger?), but when you open up the bag, it rips to shreds and unless you immediately use about 10 slices, there's not enough extra bag to spin and close with the bread bag closer. And if you have the bread that's packaged horizontally, not vertically, well you might as well put the bread you don't use right away into a Tupperware container and throw that useless bag out. You know the bread bag closey thing I mean? When I was young we broke them in half, affixed them to our strongest flinging fingers and flung them at our friends, family or other targets. When broken in half, that thing was called "flingers." Why doesn't it have a name while it's still intact?

How much do you reckon the inventor of THIS item made? Bread bag clip? We've all used it but who the hell knows its official name? But I have no problem with the inventor making a mint because it's a very useful item. Outside of Korea.

Now that I've warmed up again, I think I've recalled the direction this blog post was meant to take. I think I was eventually going to get to something superfluous that is near and dear to my heart: the E.S.L. recruiting company. I work for one so I don't want to be too harsh. Hahahahahaha! Did you see the ego on me? Like anyone from Carrot, the place I work, is going to read this blog! I can be as harsh-slash-honest as I want.

So I mentioned '97 was the first year I was here in Korea teaching ESL. Things were a whole lot different back then boy lemme tell ya! I bellyache about bread packaging now but there was nothing but this disgusting corn bread readily available back then. And butter hadn't made it to the sticks either. I had corn bread with animal fat for breakfast with my eggs. And bacon wasn't the bacon we all know and love. It was sam gyup sal or nothing. Not even close. But the eggs were awesome! I gotta say.

Most things have changed dramatically since then. One of the biggest changes has been the introduction and the prompt shouldering in of the recruiters on the ESL market in Korea. Not long ago there were businesses who wanted English teachers and there were English teachers. We managed to find each other just fine. Now a lot of the best jobs have to be accessed through recruiters. And they take more than their fair share of the money that the teachers make. What do they do? Largely things that the teacher could do more cheaply and efficiently.

But I sit here typing on my computer having just watched my beloved Kia Tigers win a dramatic game with an Lee Jong Beom home run, my internet is awesome and cheap, my pay is better than satisfactory and I am happy with my situation once again. So I guess things have changed in this regard, but they haven't totally changed. Back in the day we knew we were going to get ripped off a little by our hagwons or schools but in the end we got a good deal. Not what was promised, but a good deal. Things are much the same in that respect.

It was just Korean Thanksgiving here. It's called Chuseok. I had a blast! Friday night I went out to Hiteer, a pub across the street from where I work, to watch the Kia Tiger game and drink beer with Amber. They always treat me well at the Hiteer. It's not a NICE place, but then my favourite places never are nice. Tigers won! Then we went to play screen baseball. Something I've been wanting to do for a long time since coming here, but it's something you just don't do alone. They even had BEER there! It was great! We even figured out a way to cheat. When you are hitting, the other person throws the ball at the screen and the computer thinks it's a hit. It only works when the owner isn't looking though.

Next morning we went to the local par 3 course. Unfortunately DB and Ty couldn't join us because of an injury and an undisclosed matter respectively. heh heh. Ty probly got lucky. Anyway, Amber and I took to the links. We were not quite so good there as we were at the screen golf. I blame the beer from the previous night. But since we played hole 8 and 9 wrong, we played them twice so really shot 11 holes for the price of 9. It was a good deal! No birdies but we got a few pars. And only one lost ball I lost over the fence onto the road. Adrenaline spike I guess. ???

Then we packed up and went to meet DB in Hong Dae to watch the Tiger game. We went to a fish restaurant where they had the game on the big screen. The owner was from Gwangju so that's why he was playing the Tigers. Since DB is from there and Amber and I have lived there before, we were honoured guests. They had 1000 cc mugs there! I had to get one of those! And, the Tigers won! After that we went for a few more beers at a classic music pub. Well it wasn't a pub and the music, though old, wasn't as good as I'd hoped. They had a deal on some really good beers, 3 + 1. I ordered three Big Wave Ales. I had tried it at a chicken hof in Icheon and if was tasty. It cost me 8 thousand won there so I only had one. At THIS place it was actually 11 thousand won! So the 3+1 wasn't quite as good a deal as it seemed. See how they get you? But that didn't stop us from having a few more.

We slept in our air b&b then DB packed up. He had to go back to Incheon to work. Amber and I could stay one more day. So we did some shopping and some wandering around Hong Dae looking for a good place to watch the Tiger game. We found a baked chicken place and by 2 o'clock we were eating chicken, (again), and watching baseball. The beer wasn't really going down that great at first but we powered through and by the time Irene showed up, we were all feeling pretty good. DB went home and Amber, Irene and I wandered around looking for something to do. I think it was Amber who got the idea to go bowling. So off we went to find a bowling lane where the lights were off and everything was glowing in the blue light. We absolutely sucked! I mean golf and baseball? We were experts compared to our bowling! I'm not kidding! And I was once good at that game. But again it was fun. Except for the annoyingly loud and sucky music.

Irene went home and Amber and I went out for a few more drinks before hitting the hay. Next day we went back to Incheon to meet Dave and Crystle and play some board games. It was Monday so there was no baseball. That's the day off in the Korean Baseball Organization. I was a hurting unit! Too much drinking and not enough sleep had caught up to me. But Crystle brought a game called Quirkle and Dave brought one called For Sale and folks, these games were hangover killers! I am going to look for both of them for Christmas presents. Two of the best games I've ever played and I hadn't played either until that day. Dave left early for date night with his wife but he allowed Crystle, Amber and me to use his game. We sat outside a convenience store and played Quirkle and For Sale for a couple more hours. Best hangover EVER!

Next day was the last day of Chuseok. I had to make my way back to Icheon and I was scared. From Incheon to Icheon is a difficult commute on a GOOD day. But if you know anything about Korean Chuseok, you know it's a day when most Koreans meet in their ancestral homes, (not in Seoul. Usually in the "country"), and eat and drink together. They thank God, their ancestors and historical heroes of Korea who have made it the place it is today. But when the entire population goes somewhere ALL at the same time, it seems a little less great. Even, I'm sure, for Koreans. But that doesn't stop them. They brave Chuseok nightmare traffic every year.

It turned out I had nothing to worry about. Amber showed me a good bus from Incheon to Gangnam Station in Seoul and from there I got a ticket for a bus to Icheon that left 20 minutes later. I left at 2:20 and by 3:00 I could see the SKhyix tower. NO traffic either way! I was shocked! But very happy.

Wow! This turned into a pretty positive post! I wonder if there's anything I could add to bring it down to my usual level of grumpiness. Like something else that I find totally useless.

WAIT A MEWMENT!!! I've got it!

I would be remiss if I left out my latest boycott. As my 4 loyal readers may know, I've been doing my best to completely avoid Nestle. For years now. Since I heard about what they are doing with water in Canada and around the world. It's been tough to avoid Kit Kats and ice cream and Nescafe coffee since it's everywhere in Asia and in some parts, it's cornered the market. But to my knowledge I've done it. Now I think I am going to move on to a much tougher boycott. One that involves Mcdonald's and Burger King. The two comfort food havens that I use for breakfast and lunch or dinner respectively while in Asia. I sometimes eat Mcdonald's for lunch or dinner but their breakfasts are the best. But it seems these two struggling corporations feel the need to introduce austerity measures in all of their Asian franchises. You see, paying human beings is breaking these poor companies. So they've resorted to machines. And now when you go to either one of these places, you have to WORK for your meal. YOU have to punch in your order and pay at the machine. (And I'm not even going to get into how much money they might be making from reading the credit cards we insert into those machines and selling information from them. I'm not. But if I WERE to do so, I'd tell you how everybody who works here, where they make the chips to store that information is telling me how it's the most valuable thing in the world right now and ALL the major corporations are scrambling to get it in any way they can.)

Instead, let me tell you now, the Mcdonald's machines are a pain in the arse for an English speaker. Oh they have an English button but I have never been able to get through the process in EITHER language. So I always end up just going to the counter. At BK I have never yet bothered to use the fucking machines. And it's nice because you bypass any line there may be and go straight to the counter where it may take some extra effort, but you can always catch someone's attention and order. And in my experience, I have never yet received my order AFTER the dummies fumbling around with those infernal machines.

I think maybe the workers have realized that because of those machines, Mcdonald's cuts down the staff not by the right amount, but enough to MORE than offset the work of the machines and the customers. They ARE rich corporations after all. I see these poor people already working one of the hardest jobs in the world for shit wages, running around like the kitchen is the friggin' stock market. And I don't mind telling you I think it's the sanitation that suffers. They don't have time to do their regular duties AND pick up the slack for the missing staff caused by the fucking machines, so something HAS to suffer. It's the cleaning. I will regale you with two stories from Chuseok here in Korea on this matter.

It was Wednesday morning. I wanted to get a good breakfast before going back to Icheon so Amber figured out that Mcdonald's near her and DB's place stops breakfast at 10:20 and it's about 30 minutes away. It was 9:40ish when I learned of this. So I shot out the door and quickly speed-walked to Mcdonald's. I was proud (but sweaty) to get there with a whole 10 minutes to spare. But still time was tight. I attempted to use the machine but ran into the same problem as ever. I thought of switching to the other machine but some people were using it. So I just went to the counter. Everybody pretended not to notice me and went about their cooking and distributing, so I hammered on the counter and said, kind of loudly and rudely, "Yopaseyo! Chogyuh!" These are ways to get a waiter or waitress's attention. But it worked. I said to the nice girl who came, "I can't use those machines." And proceeded to place my order. Almost INSTANTLY I had everything and was eating it. There were flies hovering overhead, landing on my food and, (I'm sorry but), making maggots on or near my food because the overworked staff hadn't had time to clean, but still, I was eating. I can only imagine what it was like in the kitchen where the customer can't see.

I got my breakfast at about 10:19. I almost finished my breakfast before the people who were at the other machine sat down to eat. I think they took so long because while they were ordering 10:20 rolled around and they had to change their orders. So they were eating Big Macs and fries at 10:30 while I was still enjoying my bacon and egg Mcmuffin.

Keep in mind, this is Korea where they don't tip. They don't tip because, unlike us dummies in tipping countries, they realize that tipping is just a way for restaurant owners to get stupid customers to pay the salaries of their workers for them. In essence it is no different than these machines.

Example #2: After my nice breakfast, I got a couple things I was shopping for and went to Amber and DB's, packed up and Amber took me to the bus stop. I got on the bus and went to Gangnam Express Bus Terminal in Seoul.... where there is a Burger King! I often eat there when I'm getting a bus ticket to somewhere or other. I like the quatro cheese Whopper. So I get my bus ticket, which, as I said before, I purchased a mere 20 minutes before departure, a Chuseok miracle (!!!) then go to BK to get some lunch. To my horror they have installed two of those evil machines in MY Burger King! I just walked right past all the people struggling through their orders and a very nice girl met me at the counter. AGAIN almost instantly I got my meal. Well before anyone at the machines.

Here's my hopeful theory: I think the workers at these places hate the machines too. I think they know better than anybody how much extra work the machines cause the people and they hate the damn things. So when a freedom fighter like me boycotts them and goes to the counter, they serve me first! I'm saving their job or at least making it easier. They'd be ungrateful NOT to.

Long story short, I think these bag your own groceries, pay to use a bank machine, serve your own coffee, order your own products scams are boycott worthy and I'm going to start eating at (ugh) Lotteria if I have to in order to avoid them. I think Lotteria will soon install them though.

If you read my story about Hong Kong where I went to Mcdonalds and was FORCED to use the machine and stormed out, went across the road and ate at Jollibee, you'll know this is not a new pet peeve. Please join me in not being forced to work for these large corporations for no pay. Not to mention support them hiring less people and more machines. When they don't NEED to save the money. My contention is that it won't save them as much money as they think when we start walking out. In fact, if we can work together, it'll COST them money and that's the only way we can beat them. It's just a battle in the war, but let's start now folks. Even self-serve gas! Yes I said it. I can remember when self serve gas was cheaper because we pumped it ourselves and saved Esso or whoever some money. Is it still cheaper? I haven't bought gas for a decade. I bet it's not. But at least the gas companies gave us a deal for doing their work for them. Not like the banks who have the gaul to actually CHARGE us for saving them money in wages by using their bank machines.

This is useless. Probably the MOST useless thing there is. It's gotta stop.

Happy Chuseok. Chuseok Jal Bonhosayo.