You all know what I'm making extremely complex sentences about... sort of. The 700 billion dollar bank bailout. Remember that? Well by some accounts it has continued since and has reached the staggering total of 29 trillion dollars, not the MEASLEY 700 bill. you poor suckers thought you had forcibly given to the banks. But think about that sentence for a moment and you will see the monumental missed opportunity of which I write. No? Okay I'll help you: concentrate on the words "bank," then "give," then "forcibly," then "poor suckers." Did that help? Okay if the penny still hasn't dropped, I'll just have to do something a bank would never do and GIVE IT TO YOU. Still? Nothing? Good Lord if you haven't gotten it by now you almost deserve the ass rape you are getting from your banks/government!
Rhetorical question: When was the last time a bank gave anything to anybody? It's rhetorical because the answer is known by everyone. Banks give nothing to anyone. That's what makes them banks! They use the word "give" when they arrange loans for people, businesses, countries, but that word loses more of its meaning in direct proportion to the amount of interest and frustration the banks enjoy subjecting customers to. So why, taxpayers of the United States, why would you even consider giving your money to the banks?
Now I know there were a lot of carefully chosen words that might have mislead you back in 2008 like calling the situation a "state of emergency" and calling the banks "too big to fail" and calling your money "the country" or "America," but you should have been able to see that it wasn't THE COUNTRY helping the desperately needed banks get out of hard times they had innocently fallen upon, it was your crooked government helping the highly unnecessary banks by generously GIVING them huge piles of YOUR MONEY! It's been 11 years so for those of you who haven't come to that realization as yet, please stop reading and go back to your colouring books. For the rest of you, all is not lost. There may be a way to right a wrong yet.
When I went to university, a bank in Canada okayed 5000 dollars a year for me to attend at the pleasure of the good people of Canada. I know what you're thinking, but, no, it was not a bank giving me anything. We just established that they never do that. It was the taxpayers of Canada, through an unnecessary bank, granting a poor kid some dough to better himself through education. Now here's just one of many reasons why I call banks useless: in my second year, the bank took it upon itself to reverse the decision of the taxpayers, not to mention the amount, and LOAN me $3700 instead of GRANT me the $5000. And they broke this news to me 3/4 of the way through my school year. I had already taken around 3700 of emergency loans from my school by that point so all I could do was pay them back, quit, and fail the entire year. Yes, I was given money through the bank, then the bank changed its mind and turned that gift into a loan. Banks DO that! Why can't people? Can you guess where I'm going from here?
The way I see it, the people of the United States still have a chance, albeit retroactively, to treat the banks in the same shabby manner they have treated every one of us over the years! It's time to inform them that that 700 billion back in '08 wasn't actually a gift, but a loan, and it's now time to talk terms.
OH PLEASE let me be the one who writes the letter to the banks! Or maybe a phone call...
Ahem, Ah heh heh heh hem!!! The following should be read in the voice of Lilly Tomlin's telephone operator, Ernestine.
One ringy dingy. Two ringy dingies. A gracious good afternoon! Ha-have I reached to party to whom I am speaking? Mi-Mister Banks? Lovely! Good afternoon Mr. Banks, my name is Ernestine and I'm with the Bank of the United States Taxpayer. We are going to need you to go ahead and set up an account with us today. I beg your par - Oh I assure you, Mr. Banks I'm deadly serious! As serious as a Wall Street heart attack! (snort)
D- Do you remember that 700 billion dollars we gave you back in 2008? Well, given financial unforeseen flowery words baloney sandwich humminah humminah, (snort) we have seen fit to retract that offer, which is a right we reserve parallel to that which you have exercised upon us, and recalibrate our relationship as loaner/borrower rather than benefactor/beneficiary.
In order to effectively achieve this as well as facilitate principle and/or interest payments, we will need to set up a retroactive account for you at the Bank of the United States Taxpayers. In order for you to start your account with our bank, or as we like to say, "get you BUSTed," (oh hee hee snort) there are a few things we will require you to do.
First and certainly foreleast (snort) the future is upon us and you must register with us online. In order to do this you will need to access our webpage, www.bust.com . After closing all the pornographic popups, click on the "new account" icon and you will be prompted to create a password. This password must be changed every month and must contain the correct number of characters, numbers, symbols, fonts, colours and letter sizes that we randomize on a weekly basis. It will also require you to answer exactly one of 10 personally chosen verification questions upon each login... for your safety and convenience. If we notice inconsistencies such as access from a new device, your account will be frozen. In fact, if there are any irregularities, and (snort) there will be, your account will promptly be frozen for a minimum of one week and there is nothing you can do on this website. Emailing us or contacting us online is entirely possible, but will not result in any change to your account and/or account information/specifications. This is once again done for your safety and convenience. (hee hee snort I love saying that!)
Here is my favourite part: A telephone must be linked to your new account. In case of any problems, short of visiting every American taxpayer and talking with them person to person, this will be the only means of possibly solving account trouble. Just dial our toll free number, during OUR business hours 1-800-2855-7448, that's 1-800 BULLSHIT (oh snort) Some additional phone charges may apply and this number is not set up to answer calls from mobile phones.
Your call will answered just as soon as one of our very busy answering machines is able to get to it. You better plan for a 30-40 minute delay just so we know you're not a bot. If you manage to stay on the line that long, you will be subjected to a series of telephonically gymnastical questions regarding the nature or your account difficulties. Just press the number of the option that most closely relates to the issue you're having and that should only take another 30-40 quick and easy minutes to allow us to pinpoint the exact nature of your trouble. Or not. (snort) Next you will be helped by one of our live operators... after a 30-40 minute wait... for your safety and convenience.
Now, let us establish the details of our loan, shall we, Mr. Banks? Firstly, it has come to our attention that the circumstances necessitating the original and all following loans have all been the result of extremely irresponsible behaviour on your part. Oh no, Mi- Mister Banks, no need to worry, this only qualifies you for our usury rate of interest for high risk clients. I beg your pardon? Did I say, "usury?" Oh (snort) silly me, I must have made up a word! I meant "usual," of course. Now then, 700 billion with our highest rate of interest compounded monthly... carry the trillion....
There is also the matter of 11 years of borrowing without establishing an account with BUST. Borrowing on a balance of zero naturally constitutes some hefty overdrafts, good golly some HEFTY overdrafts (snort) which will be applied to the principle. That's million gojillion carry the two...
And this is also with the understanding that there will be a monthly service charge. Our people don't work for free! (snort) seven infinity carry the zeroes...
Now then, after careful calculation, we have arrived at our very first payment. You must eliminate all student loan debt in the country. What's that you ask? Will that settle your outstanding debt with BUST? Oh gosh no! (snort) That'll just catch you up on your interest!
Come again? What did you say? You refuse to pay? Oh dear, oh dear. Well you may feel free to exercise that option Mr. Veedle, excuse me, I mean Mr. Banks. But rest assured you will be provided no further funding from the Bank of the United States Taxpayers if you forfeit more than 3 payments in a - wha - what's that you say? Bankruptcy? Oh! (snort) You ARE a funny one, Mr. Banks. Much like the student loans that you provided to students, the future of our country, with no forgiveness through insolvency or bankruptcy, Mi-Mister Banks, you'll be paying this loan till New York become Old York (snort!) Whe - when may we expect payment?
Excu - excuse me? Lawyers? Lawsuits? Oh, clearly you don't understand, Mr. Banks. We at the Bank of the United States Taxpayer are not subject to city, state or federal laws. We are omnipotent. Yes, that's potent with an omni in front of it. (snort) At least we are when we're pissed off enough! Now whe-when may we expect payment?
I see. Oh, Mr. Banks, we're sorry you've chosen this option. We won't send any large, burly men to your door to collect. We will simply withhold funding to all your future leverage takeovers, loans to small, oil rich countries, and military actions. And if you still refuse to pay we wi - what's that Mr. Banks? You agree to our terms? You'll pay the first installment in 2020 when Bernie Sanders becomes president? Well that's just fine!
It was a pleasure doing business with you Mr. Banks. We will expect your payment and look forward to your successful repayment of your debt to us in full. Have a lovely afternoon! Buhbye.
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