Unsafe Driving School Only $979.99!

 

I work security at Teck, a large metal smelter. Just training so far waiting for my security guard license and my driver’s license. I worked security to put me through school in Canada so I could use my degree outside of Canada and when I come back to Canada, I work security because, like a lot of Canadians, my Canadian university education (and a ticket) get me aride on the bus. It’s almost worthless here having a degree in English and half a master’s in education ain’t even getting me a better seat on that bus. The strange thing is, since coming home, I’m thinking that might not be the case for so long. There are a lot more people, in the big cities and small towns as well, that don’t speak English as their first language. I reckon they could share some of the money with a Canadian that they earned since moving here, (a record high amount and I'm not talking about rumours of the government just handing refugees instant packages either) to brush up on their English skills a bit. But that’s probably wishful thinking. Making them speak either of the languages of Canada while they work here has probably found its way onto the long list of things about which, as quality Canadians, we should be offended and/or outraged.

I work with a bunch of Indians, and I would not use that ignorant word to refer to any native Canadian, they’re from India and they all speak English well. They learn it in school there. They’re fluent in a few languages including English. They’re super smart and they work hard too. They all seem to have second and even third jobs. I’m learning a lot about how my country handles immigrants from my co-workers from India. As you might expect, it usually makes me respect my co-workers (and for that matter any person taking on the challenge of demonstrating to the Canadian government that they will be a “successful,” “contributing” citizen of this country) a little more and my country a little less. In my 56 years of life I have never qualified, by the standards Canada uses, as a “successful, contributing” citizen. I don’t make enough money and I don’t pay enough taxes. That’s what Canada wants from its citizens foreign OR local: money. That and domestication. Our farmers want us to be good livestock. Unspirited chattel.

One of the shapes our multi-faceted Canadian taxation can take on is that of licensing and certification. It’s a sub-category under the heading of “endless bureaucracy” that I am pretty sure I included in my magnum opus blog post entitled “A Taxing Endeavor” way back when I wrote it and calculated the 100% taxation rate the average Canadian endures. But I’ve lived in Canada a minute longer than I had when I last posted and can add a story or two to the main bullet point of it: it ain’t easy becoming Canadian again. And, fair play, Canada knows it won’t get out of me what it gets out of these zealous, energetic, obedient immigrants. Canada would rather I just stay the hell out of Canada and has already welcomed me to the party that is living in the Great White North by slicing me a hank of the cold shoulder meat and making me sit at the card table in the corner with the kiddies.

I’m trying to do the Taoist thing and find the joy in my current situation. I told my Mom, “Well, I knew getting started was going to be the hardest part.” And she responded with a surprisingly Zen, “Yup. Just keep that in mind. Soon you’ll look back on this and laugh at all these troubles.” The Christians call this building up treasures in heaven. The military calls it embracing the suck. I just call it being home again.

I failed my driver’s test again. That’s one fail for the learner’s and two fails for the road test. It would take a big man to admit to that much failure and I am not a big man. THIS time I had more practice under my belt driving in Art’s car in Trail. And before I go any further, I’ve driven for 30 years. I’ve driven 100 different kinds of car and truck, motorbikes, three-wheelers, four-wheelers, snowmobiles, jetskis, heavy equipment like loaders, graders, skidders, backhoes, even drove an 18-wheeler in a parking lot one time. Hell, I drove a helicopter for about 7 seconds. I’ve had driving jobs like delivering ice and working at a used car lot. I’ve driven in the bush for fishing, firewood and as part of my diamond drilling job. I’ve done challenging driving like going across a bridge that consisted of two beams a little wider than truck tires in the winter WITH a load of super valuable core. I also had to drive cars up onto those car lot platforms you used to see in front of dealerships. You go up two planks at an angle that leaves you nothing but blue sky out the window to look at.

I have driven a lot in my life so when I say “practice” I mean shaking off the rust. I haven’t been driving for a while because it’s nowhere near as necessary for everyone in the countries where I’ve been working. In Canada driving IS necessary. Things are far apart. A lot of jobs that have nothing to do with driving advertise that you need a class 5 license to do them because the places you do them are impossible or very difficult to get to by public transit and impossibly expensive by taxi. This gives the licensing bureau an awful lot of power to push whatever rules, regulations and expen$e$ they want onto pro$pective licen$ee$. $urely they wouldn’t take advantage of thi$ would they? $eem$ to be $omething wrong with my keyboard…

I practiced in Art’s car in Trail a few times since the last road test fiasco in Nelson with Tami’s car. I was confident and Art was confident. There was NO way they were gonna dog me this time! Even if they gave me the same examiner I was ready! My test was at 2:50 and Art met me in front of my place just after 2. It was supposed to rain on May 8^th, but it turned out to be a beautiful day. Maybe my luck was changing. I drove to the office and went to park on the street where everybody parks to do their tests and the whole street was blocked off. I had to circle around a few times to find a parking space. Silver City Days start on the 10^th. It’s an annual festival in Trail. So I guess they were cleaning the streets. Not a big deal. A little bump in the road, as it were, but we weren’t late so it wouldn’t have any effect. Nothing to worry about.

I met my new examiner, Aaron I believe was her name, who bore a shockingly similar list of physical qualities to the previous examiner! Same age, gender, hair colour, body type, height, weight, choice of clothing, stern and businesslike demeanor… but that was nothing to worry about either.

At the beginning of the test she actually TOLD me we’re gonna be doing a lot of shoulder checking, and at the end of the test, the top reason for failure was “A’s right turn shoulder checks.” A1 is shoulder check and A2 is scan. I guess if I take the course I’d know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean although I’m certain it wouldn’t improve my driving. It’d probably make me a worse driver. I have a case here and I will present it. Bear with me.

Let’s start with the first example of why I think this shoulder check preoccupation, no doubt one of the foundations of the revolution in defensive driving they teach in the courses these examiners seem mandated to flog, is not just horseshit but dangerous horseshit. When I learned baseball, the first thing I was taught was to keep my eye on the ball. When I learned golf, the first thing I was taught was to keep my eye on the ball. When I learned to drive, the first thing I was taught was to keep my eyes on the road. And for very good reason! If I am in position A traveling to position B, almost all potential hazards are in position B. It is true that in some instances, like changing lanes, a hazard can come up from behind without you seeing it. It has happened to me before. That is why I totally agree with shoulder checks and blind spot checks when changing lanes. I changed lanes a few times, once without being told to, and every time I did my blind spot check. Those were not the shoulder checks she docked me for. No, the shoulder checks were ones that I find completely useless to be honest but can learn about for the low, low price of $979.99 from ICBC this month.

Throughout the half hour I spent driving Ms. Aaron I saw her jerking her head around incessantly almost every turn I made. At the end of our test Aaron said, “You need a little more practice.” By that she meant for the low, low price of $979.99, but I was thinking, “Yeah I could still knock a little rust off so give me my license and let me practice for the love of Morgan Freeman!” Then she said, “You are trusting your mirrors too much and still need to do more shoulder checks. You might have seen me doing them for you.” I said, “Yeah I did,” and stopped myself before saying, “and can’t for the life of me figure out what ghosts and goblins you were afraid might jump out to get us,” or something like that. Here are a few examples that I think fully illustrate my point although, being only heresy, will not stand up in a challenge to Aaron’s assessment of my driving. Both Aaron and the previous instructor made double sure I had no phone or other recording device that could create evidence of anything I write about my two road tests. There’s a good reason they do that, and I think it will become clear if it isn’t already.

We’ll start with the second thing listed on Aaron’s report as a “violation” which, if I’m not mistaken, qualifies as an instant failure. She wrote it as “35/30 exit playground zone.” We had been driving by Gyro Park and through a playground zone and I had been keeping the speed at a steady 30. She told me to turn right onto another road. I stopped at the stop sign, checked over my left shoulder for traffic, pedestrians, dogs, cyclists, you know… and I saw her jerking her head around to the right again. On the right was just the side of the road. I think there was a sidewalk. I knew it was clear because I had seen it and observed it to be clear while we were driving past it. Okay, I was assuming that in the 3 seconds it took to stop and check the other, more hazardous areas, nothing had materialized on that sidewalk, but I guess that’s a violation of the new driving rules they teach for the low, low price of $979.99. I proceeded right onto the street which had painted on the pavement “40 km/h.” I can’t say to a certainty, but I think during all her rubbernecking, Aaron had missed the big, white “40 km/h” sign painted on the road because when I accelerated to above 30 RIGHT OVER the “40 km/h” paint, she went, “Woah, woah, woah, we’re still in the playground zone,” and wrote me up for it.

At the end of the exam when she asked if I had questions I brought up the 40 km/h sign on the road and she had no idea what I was talking about. I think she didn’t see it because her stupid right shoulder check took her eyes off the more important stuff going on in the road in front of us. She eventually equivocated by saying, “It meant 40 km/h AHEAD.” I’m gonna go check and see and if it doesn’t why, I’m gonna – do nothing cuz there’s nothing I can do.

Then came the bus. It was the 43 bus! The one I have taken many times since living here in Trail. It goes between Trail and Montrose where Mom and Art live. I was going through a 4-way stop through a lane that had an island that forced me to turn right. Aaron hadn’t told me which way to turn so I sort of jokingly said, “So right here I’m guessing?” Her response, “What does the sign say?” On the island was a no left turn sign. So I said, “No left turn ha ha ha.” I seriously think she thought I might have gone straight or left there! That, I think made her nervous. While she was AGAIN checking the sidewalk to our right that I had seen nothing on the entire length of the road as we approached the intersection, I was checking other vehicles going through the intersection and the 43 bus that had stopped at the bus stop on the right side of the road we were turning onto. I executed the turn without the stupid right shoulder check and because of that was able to observe the bus driver waiting for me to pass, only turning on his/her left indicator when I was beside him/her to let the motorists BEHIND me know the bus was turning onto the street. All Aaron saw was me driving by a bus that had its left turn signal on and she went, “Woah, woah, woah, you have to be aware of that bus.” All I said was, “Yeah,” with the intonation of “Well duh!” But that didn’t convince her. Again, I could be making this all up. No evidence.

Okay one more. Last one. We were at a 3-way intersection with lights. I had a green and there was one car across the intersection who also had a green but was not going because traffic in his lane was backed up to the intersection and not moving. I looked to my left and saw traffic not moving, looked behind the car across the intersection and there was no traffic at all behind him, looked in my rear view and saw at least one car also waiting, then I saw the motorist in the car signal me to make me turn. As I did it I was thinking, “Oh man, I’m going down for this,” but not only did I get where I was going but the car behind me did too. For all I know the car behind that one too! I know that car had the right of way, but through driver communication he relinquished it and allowed at least two other motorists to move. Keeping traffic moving used to be something motorists were allowed to do even if they had to alter right-of-way rules and use personal discretion. I guess that’s just not allowed any more. The rules are more important than keeping traffic moving. There was nothing unsafe about it, but, she was right, he had the right of way…

Okay I lied, one more example. I was in downtown Trail again turning onto the bridge street. Again a RIGHT HAND TURN. Again there was a little triangular island that allowed me only a right hand turn. But this time there was also a crosswalk. I stopped at the crosswalk. I waited while a chance to turn right and get onto the bridge road passed me by. Aaron actually opened her mouth to ask me what I was waiting for or some such question when she saw two pedestrians emerge from the right hand blind spot, wave at me, and cross the crosswalk. With all her fucking rubbernecking she hadn’t seen them and without the useless right hand turn shoulder check, I HAD.

I am being tested and evaluated on rules. Rules always have limitations when you are dealing with the human brain. Rules are what you use for beginners. The advanced can be trusted with personal discretion. Or at least that’s the way it used to be. I guess not any more.

I’m SO disappointed! I can’t do another road test for a month now. I don’t know if Teck is going to allow me to keep working there since they want me for mobile security. This could have cost me my job! Although, there are some things I can do that don’t require driving. I have little doubt that the best course of action will be to sign up for one of these courses for the low, low price of $979.99 so that I can learn how to be a worse driver and pass my next road test. But I guess I’ll only have to do the damn rubbernecking for ½ an hour and never again afterwards. It’s already tough trying to remind myself to keep my hands at 10 and 2 and when I am turning not to grab the wheel underhanded or do a one handed Karate Kid wax on spin of the wheel.

There has been another setback in the security guard license saga as well, but I should be getting it this week or next week. At least then I’ll be able to wear the uni.

A bit of good news: I may have found a roomie named Fred. But I’ll have more info on that next time. There’s no telling what suffering Fred will cause me to take joy in!