Canadian Identity Crisis

See that blue bar at the top of the screen? It's slowly, but surely, failing to make its way across the top of the screen so that the software called SGT (which might stand for Security Guard Training or it might stand for Somebody Got Taxed, I don't know) can do its job. It's job could be security guard training or it might be appearing like there is some technical difficulty that will not be explainable but will result in my 40-dollar examination fee being, as they say themselves in warning before the test, "consumed." You see I've been training online for over a week and I would say well over 60 hours in total watching vids, doing quizzes, reading legal documents, studying 350 possible exam questions, and in all that time not ONCE was there a technical difficulty or a page that failed to load. That part of becoming a security guard in Ontario cost $135.00. 

The final online exam has a fee of $39.99 and  requires you to download the SGT software which is designed to ensure that test-takers are honest. You have to use your cam to show your testing room so the invigilator can see that there is no cheating paraphernalia nearby. You also have to show photo I.D. and you need a secret username and password to use the software that they give you in advance. You can't leave for a bathroom break or even take your eyes off the screen for the entire 90 minutes of the testing session. Sounds strict but I used similar platforms during Covid when I was delivering my exams and if they can, students in Korea will cheat. I heard stories of people recording themselves watching the screen and played them in a loop while taking the exams. Meanwhile they were cheating offscreen. 

So I understand this provision. BUT instead of saying that no money will be refunded if you are late or if your computer has issues or any technical difficulties arise... how about make sure no fucking technical difficulties arise? Use software that can handle the traffic you are opening it up to... or don't open it up to so much traffic. Canadian internet sucks. It's got high prices and low speeds. I can't find a link that shows this because the unholy triumvirate of Bell, Telus, and Rogers OWN the internet and wipe that shit off it! But one of the rights of passage for Canadian citizens seems to be (as a previous post partially covered) paying through the arse for crappy telecom. We are the telecom giants' bitches. As such (a participating telecom bitch) I had exactly no faith that my online test would come off without a hitch and hitch there was! Canadian overdependence on low quality technology never fails to disappoint.

So after refreshing, refreshing, getting "The screen took too long to load" messages, restarting my computer, getting re-prompted to enter my username/password, refreshing, refreshing, getting the took too long to load error message again... I finally got "This exam has already started. There will be no refund of your examination fee. Too bad for you sucker!" or something like that. This was at high noon - exactly 10 minutes after my exam was to have started. 

Do you know how many issues I had while using similar tech to this in Korea while giving exams to my students? None. Do you know how many issues like this I have had with Zoom? None. None I couldn't quickly fix anyway. I have an interview tonight on Zoom actually. I will have no trouble I'm sure. At least, not with the software. I have an inkling it will not go so well... but I'll probably blog later about that. I have only had trouble with Teams. As yet unexplained trouble. So I'm thinking maybe this SGT software is somehow related to Teams. Or maybe not. Maybe it blocked me because I was flagged by my government. Who the hell knows?

Who knows what the security guard industry of Ontario knows about me? There seems to be no way to hide your identity in this country. At the same time I heard the story about Senior Assassin in northern Ontario I heard about this. Alberta voters have had their personal information stolen! Names, addresses, postal codes, phone numbers, voting areas, GEE WILLICKERS, Batman!!!

I went to buy a pair of shoes yesterday. The Shoe Company. Sketcher hikers. They were 90 bucks on sale for 20% off. With 13% HST the total I paid was $90.37. Yeah, I couldn't figure that out either. I'm going back today to see if THEY can explain it. At any rate, the first words out of the teller's mouth were, "I'll need your phone number please." I asked why and received a well-rehearsed bullshit answer about policy. I asked what possible scenario could arise in which The Shoe Co. or Sketchers for that matter, would ever need to contact me by phone. She again mealy mouthed about policy. I didn't want to fight too long cuz I really liked the shoes so I said sure, fine, here's my number. I didn't tell her I didn't know how much longer it'd remain my number given what we all know about Canadian telecom providers... But then she asked, "And what is your email address?" She said something about quality assurance and in case something went wrong with the shoes. I said, "If something goes wrong I'll get ahold of you. I'll be the one who knows if something goes wrong, won't I?" She said another thing about needing it to do the transaction and I refused. She said, "Well then this sale will have to be final." From that I understood that if something DOES go wrong with my new boots, and, once again, I will be the only party in the transaction who will know when and if that becomes the case, I cannot bring my shoes and the receipt back to The Shoe Company and get a replacement or refund. I now almost WANT something to go wrong with the shoes!

They are trying to strongarm people into revealing personal information. I have a friend who works at Marshall's in the same mall. She says they have to ask for postal codes. As I often am, I'm reminded of a comedy bit:

Makes sense... donut? Ar ar. But they KNOW that and they don't care. They just want your information because it's like the most valuable thing in the world right now. They can sell it to advertisers or other companies for big bucks. They can even use it to commit identity theft. It's surprising what people can do with just a little of your personal information. 

I've been a victim... several times! Twice the same girl used my BAD credit to do something I couldn't even do MYSELF: get a credit card and take out $700 bucks a day. That was TD. Don't bank at TD it is NOT safe. My new bank, Scotiabank, can't provide safety either. Three times I've had to change my card in a couple of years because of fraudulent charges being deducted that their fraud department can't put a stop to. So they've forced me to provide my own security. I can't use their online banking unless I have the password set up on my phone. I used to just swipe and use my phone. Now I need to input a password. It's annoying when something is happening that you want to take a quick picture of. By the time you swipe and input the password... the moment is gone. 

The question is, with people demanding your personal information everywhere you go, how can anyone hide their identity enough to keep it safe? It's not easy. BANKS can't even do it for cryin out loud! And just when you think you've found a list of shops and stores where you can buy anything you need without exposing yourself, THIS happens: Canadian census 2026 is mandatory. You could be fined up to a grand if you don't do the census right! $1000.00!!! But don't worry Canadians, our government would never use any of our information, our private, personal information, for anything but good! Ha ha ha ha. I almost made it through typing that sentence without laughing. Almost. 

Anyhoo, my point is people are always stealing, cheating, lying, scamming. We are often put into positions where we don't know who we can safely give our information to and who we can't. We don't even know how to tell the good guys from the bad guys anymore! Sometimes we are put into these positions by places where we shop, sometimes by government, sometimes online, but it's always for the same reason: do I really need to say this for the umpteenth time here? If you take one lesson from this blog it's that 99% of the bad in our world is directly or indirectly linked to some asshole trying to get money without, you know, like, earning it somehow. 

As a poetic dénouement to my tale today, while my information was being stolen by The Shoe Company a guy I had walked past during my search for my new shoes, and who I noticed smelled of booze, ran out of the store setting off alarms. He had stolen some shoes from the Shoe Company while they were stealing my identity. The teller said to me, "Dammit! We were watching that guy! He stole some expensive Converse high-tops." I didn't say anything, but I was thinking, "Good."

*** And if you think things are bad here in Canada, my highly quotable American best buddy Heather just posted this:

Calling anything that goes beyond legitimate investigation "vetting" doesn't make it any different from snooping, eavesdropping, and not minding one's own business. 

*** Post, post script: I went to the Ontario Works office downtown in Sarnia where a lot of people end up writing the security guard exam because it doesn't work for them on their personal computers. Ontario Works but our computers don't work here. Anyways, when I got there I was put in a big room with a fancy computer that had a huge screen and a small keyboard with a mousepad. I hate mousepads. Why couldn't they get me on one of the computers outside the big room that HAVE mouses? Security reasons. I might cheat. You know what I'm starting to think is a sure sign that someone is cheating you? If they tell you they are taking precautions so that YOU don't cheat, they're probably cheating you. 

After having trouble with the stupid, outdated, messed up SGT program again having to turn on the sound on the computer, mess with settings, even adjust the size of the screen so I could find the "start test" button on the bottom of the screen that was blocked by the ribbon or bar or whatever on the bottom of the computer screen, I FINALLY figured out the stupid thing and got through it. What a purposely bad exam! It was very well written, don't get me wrong. No spelling mistakes or errors at all. The bad questions were the type I see all too often on Canadian government exams like the driver's tests and such. Anything you are not allowed to bring a phone into, it's for that reason. They don't want you having proof that there were bad questions on the test. I'll give you two verbatim examples taken directly from the exam I just wrote: 

1. You are on a shift as a security guard and you've just had a crime committed against you. What do you do?

a) Arrest the offender immediately.

b) Call the police.

c) Alert your supervisor and make a note in your log.

d) Alert your supervisor and write an incident report.

I'll give you 4 crimes that make all of those answers correct: Aggravated assault - a, trespassing/refusal to leave grounds after being ordered to do so - b, theft of your work boots - c, crashed into your car in the site parking lot - d. 

Do you think they don't KNOW this is a bad question? All the answers could be right or wrong. Why would it be in there? I'll give you another while you ponder the answer to that question:

2. Four things happen at the same time while you are on shift as a security guard, To which should you respond first?

a) Gas leak

b) Alarm

c) Unconscious person

d) A fight

I would respond to the unconscious person by calling 911 and saying, "By the way, after I hang up I will administer first aid to the unconscious person and wait for you to arrive, but there is also a gas leak, a fight, and some other alarm on site. Thanks." Is the gas oxygen, CO2, cyanide? It makes a diff. A fire alarm or a core meltdown alarm at a nuclear plant? It makes a diff. 

There were several other BAD questions like these throughout the test. I think they put them in there so that after you write the test, no matter how well you did, if they tell you you failed you'll think it's possible. Do I think it's possible that I failed? Hell no! You have to get 62% or less. No way I did that badly. But I wouldn't be surprised to be told I failed being that a) I'm an old, white guy b) I'm old c) I'm white, and d) I'm a guy. Just the kind of fella they'd fail even if I didn't fail the test. 

Now we wait and find out...