Fuk Yu: The New Kung Fu

"Thank you China." I bet that's not what this blonde lady in the pic is thinking. She's probably thinking, "I paid 240 bucks for THIS?" She looks like she might be a knowledgeable hockey fan who can tell a stinker when she sees it. That's not just sour grapes either. I wanted to see this game live, but couldn't, so now I'm saying it wasn't worth going to. Right? Well, maybe that's part of it. But not all of it.

What's that towel-waving, Chinese gal thinking? Props for having the right hat on, by the way. There was one interview done on Chinese TV with a young girl wearing a Dallas Mavericks jersey. She probably went there to see Yao Ming. I have commented before how it bugs me when people wear the wrong team's jerseys to games. "I'm supporting the Washington Capitals by wearing an OV jersey to a game between two other teams!" Maybe that's what THEY'RE thinking. But the wrong sport? Sack of hammers...

Or, who knows, maybe this lady is happy because she bought her 240-dollar ticket for 37 bucks. Apparently that's the hit the scalpers outside the stadium were taking on tickets to this game. This Globe And Mail article talks about that and how the NHL blew it with this series. Those were the words of Phil Esposito who says he saw nothing of the game in the Chinese newspaper. Things I'd personally like to see: Phil Esposito reading a Chinese newspaper.

But his point is a good one. None of my students had heard about it. Few even know what hockey is. So they're not going to pay $240 to see a strange sport. Those are Vancouver prices that Hong Kong Chinese real estate flippers pay. To a regular Chinese person, that's a fortune! That's half a month's salary to the girl who acts as my translator and facilitator. And she works a lot of hours for free. And I think that's just what they SAY they will pay her! I was trying to get her to help me buy a ticket online and even she was having a hard time. We finally found a site and it was about 120 bucks and she said, "Should I pay for it then?" I asked, "Did you choose a seat?" She said she didn't. It was probably just some scammer posing as a ticket site. This is a very big problem in China. Along with countless other scams. So we didn't get that one. In the end I just decided not to go because with 5 new classes dumped on me this week, I've got heaps of planning to do. Plus, of course, I caught a cold. So I would have liked to go, but even though this is historic, it's not the end of the world.

And to be honest, these are pre-season games. Okay, they had the bigger names playing, but that might have made the game worse. These are the veterans who have a roster spot already. They're playing just hard enough not to get injured. If they'd included some rookies trying for a spot in the line-up, Brock Boeser perhaps, we might have seen somebody who wasn't floating out there. Nobody was hitting and there were no fights. Bring a young aspiring enforcer or power forward or two like Mike Mersch,, Zack MacEwen or Jonah Gadjovich and put them out on the ice at the same time long enough to build up some hatred for one another, there coulda been some fisticuffs. The Chinese media would have been all over THAT in the papers, you can bet a few RMB on it! This is the land of Kung Fu, Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Crouching Dragon Hidden Palace or whatever. It looked to some like the game in Beijing was kept close and then tied up late just showcase the penalty shot in China. I think they could have included the thing about hockey that gets more asses out of seats than an overtime, short-handed, championship-winning goal - a fight. Or at least a little bit of hitting and hard-nosed hockey.

And speaking of fighting... I am starting to tune into the martial art of fighting the Chinese employer. They are out to suck every Renminbi out of every employee and are, as I've argued a thousand times before, NOT clever about it. Which of the scams on that list above took above average cleverness? "Uh, hello? Tenant? What's yer name again? I, um, like forgot? Oh yeah, Mr. Shin. Uh, you know that landlord you have? Like for the house, I mean apartment, I mean PLACE where you live? Uh, yeah, well it's me. Yeah. And so like this month? Okay? This month I like, uh, changed my bank account? And my name? Okay? So we're gonna need you to, like put, you know, like whatever your rent is? um... like into this account? Okay? It's like, 2539887710 or something? Okay? And my new name is..." And people FALL FOR THIS!

"Okay, I work for this bank? You know? As you can see I have the uniform on? So like, as you know, banks are the honestest places to, um, like put lots of money into? Especially in China where nothing is, like regerulationed? So I will give you 10% interest, or something. No? Okay, 20% interest! Yeah? Okay so just hand over the money then. Account paperwork? No, see we can't do that? Cuzza like laws and stuff? And this is a SECRET account. We can't give this deal to everyone. I have known you for, like, um, 3 minutes and already I know you're, like, the kinda person who deserves this deal? You know? Oh and also? There's like a rule? Don't, um, like, check? The account? To like see if yer money's still there? Okay?" And people FALL FOR THIS!

And the people who do this. How can they live with themselves? It's a source of endless fascination to me! But the article explains it. The banks blame the customer for believing the people who offered high interest rates. Because, a bank that takes your money and invests it in things that only banks and privileged rich people are able to invest in, quadruples your money in a week? You know? They can, um, like only pay you like zero? Point 8 percent and stuff? They are absolutely no different than average scammers. No smarter either. It's just bullies who never grew up shaking people down for lunch money. And they sleep at night because of the con man mentality. "Wull, cuz, like, I'm smarter than you? Kay? So like, um, maybe next time someone like, um, tries to like scam you? Maybe you won't be stupider than, like that dude? And stuff? So like you really should be thanking me?"

I'm trying not to judge this whole country on the actions of the few I've seen but so many things that I see point to this finely honed martial art of thinking only of oneself and screwing everyone else! What might one call this art that has no less reverence and is probably even wider spread than Kung Fu? What is a name that cuts right to the very heart of this seemingly ubiquitous practice? I think the new Kung Fu should be called Fuk Yu.

People just don't wait for other people in this country. I explained about the walking. EVERY time I go for a walk, dozens of people cut in front of me and force me to stop. "Fuk Yu!" Every time I take a taxi or bus the driver pulls out in front of other people forcing them to stop, sometimes abruptly. "Fuk Yu!" I was hit by that scooter rider on one of the widest streets I've been on in my life! She had 30 yards either side but made a concerted effort to cut me off and make me stop. "Fuk Yu!" We only crashed because back then I was unwise in the ways of Fuk Yu. Like a young grasshopper I had to absorb its essence from my surroundings and I was not yet open to absorption.

This morning I rode the bus to the South Campus to teach 4 hours of classes to make up for classes missed on the upcoming Mid Autumn Festival. A common practice here in China. You get a day off for some long honoured traditional practice, and, because the bosses are masters of Fuk Yu, you have to come in on a Saturday to make up for it. So because of companies using this highly skillful Orange Crane deadly one hand strike, workers across the country honour their skill and get a day off, but don't really get a day off.

On the way to the bus I met with a lady I'd seen a few times and we'd ridden the bus together. She actually stopped me to ask the difference between Puritans and Pilgrims the other day. Her English is very good. But she is the kind of gal, not very common around here, who wears sunglasses even when it's not sunny? Who wears fashion a little younger than her, and puts on a bit too much make-up." I asked just as we reached the bus, "Are you teaching make-up classes today?" "Fuk Yu!"

It wasn't an intentional Green Cobra windpipe strike, it was just lucky. I am a good student and am progressing faster than Master Oogway predicted. I got on the bus and a few of the regulars, most of whom had never uttered a word of English, were laughing and giving me thumbs ups. AND speaking English! "Good make-up joke!" Again, there you go, being an asshole gets you further. This lady, before the bus even got underway, took out a pastry for her breakfast and before opening it asked me if I'd had breakfast. I ALWAYS eat breakfast but on this day I hadn't so I told her. She gave me her pastry. Be an asshole - get free food. Lesson learned.

The pastry, and this might say an awful lot about the person who gave it to me, was a ROSE flavoured pastry. I opened it on the bus just to taste and it had a very flaky and messy outer shell and, sure enough, the inside tasted exactly like a rose. I like the smell of roses but... I put it back in its wrapper and told her it was too messy to eat on the bus. I got to class early and ate as much of the pastry as I could without eating the rose flavoured centre. Ewww! But, on the way to class I explained to her the terms make-up exam and make-up class. Maybe she won't be so nice to me now. Or did she know I'd hate the rose pastry? Was she practicing some lesser known non-violent Buddhist Fuk Yu technique from the Temple of the Smiling Wren? This intrigues me...

So to the class. It was a make-up class and since this class would be ahead of others if I taught the next lesson in the curriculum, I just did something that I though would be fun for them. We went over basic vocab for describing people then I gave them the cards and questions from a game I made based on an old game my family used to play called "Whozit." You ask questions in turn to any of the people playing about the character they have on the card they got. I made cards like football player, rice farmer, movie star, used car salesman, (who has to lie), drill sergeant, (who only says NO), politician, (who says anything he wants), cheerleader, (who only says YES), game show host, anchorman, rapper, (who are Bob Barker, Will Farrel and Snoop Dog although none of my students recognize any of them). ONE girl recognized Marilyn Munroe as the movie star. ONE! But this was the least of my problems.

I just assumed the concept of taking turns could be handled by a group of university students. Nope. NObody was waiting for anybody! "Fuk Yu!" Just shoot off a question whether it's your turn or not. Then I saw several people lying. "Fuk Yu!" The person has the gameshow host, (Bob Barker), and is asked, "Are you old?" Answer: No. "Fuk Yu!" Everybody in the class was just doing the game the fastest and easiest ways they could think of, NOT the way that I explained, which is the FUN way. So they were figuring out everybody's characters, as a group, and nobody was winning. There was no competition. So they were not enjoying it and finishing way too early. It took me most of the two hours to finally get a couple of the better groups doing it right and they WERE enjoying it. But the whole class I was fighting against Fuk Yu again.

Anyway, the latest from work. This Saturday class fiasco from the hockey game day? It's now been extended to a permanent class on Saturday. "Fuk Yu!" I have a 22-hour week and they just can't find an opening for this class anywhere else? No, this is clearly Blind Cockroach school of Fuk Yu. But I am not giving in. I asked why not all of the other open slots in my schedule. These are 9-year-old kids and their reply was, "No they are studying at all of those times."  FUK YU! So I reply with, "So you are demanding that I teach on Saturday AND Sunday. Well first of all, I was promised two days off in a row in my job interview for this position. I made it clear that it was important to me. You're taking that away now? And secondly, Sunday is a stat. holiday. If you make me teach then, we have to come to a bi-lateral agreement on a substitute day off. I will agree only to the Saturday. So I will teach one or the other but not both." Hah! Spinning, flying roundhouse kick to the pelvis!

They reply with, "Okay, I see." Now I have them where I want. They were not expecting one so young in the ways of Chinese Fuk Yu to land such a devastating blow. They return with, "Okay Saturday class will be from blah to blah," giving me the time of one class not the other. I give them the Screeching Owl reverse psychology knife hand strike to the groin. "I think it would be easier to just make me work Saturday and give me the holiday off, but I will let the boss decide." The thing is, as I told you, I was already teaching 4 hours on Saturday at the South Campus. I didn't want to combine that with 4 hours at their office because including driving time, that's an 11-hour day. I'd rather just teach on the holiday. "Know your opponent grasshopper. If he is of choleric temper, expect contradiction and the opposite of what you request of him." I've told you of the total contradiction I consistently got at the contract-shattering meeting. I am beginning to understand my employer. So I threw that out there and waited for my opening like a tiger in the bulrushes. Finally, "Okay, there has been a change. Sunday at blah and then Sunday at blah you will have the two classes." They gave me two classes on the day I requested off. Fuk Yu! But little do they know, I totally blocked their offense. FUCK THEM!

This is what I've sunk to, folks! Constant fighting with the boss. But with any luck, this will remain the schedule for the remaining two months or so of teaching. And I'll still have my weekend. The ONE promise that vulnerably remains unbroken by these scammers.

Did I say, "With any luck?" Hah! And people call me a pessimist. I'm sure they'll still try to mess with me as much as they can. And I may end up quitting. I may end up losing my visa. I may end up having to leave China in a hurry and look for work somewhere else, with almost no notice. And I may have to leave some of my stuff behind, leave some of my pay behind, it could get really, really bad. But I can always find another job and get more stuff. Attachment leads to jealousy. The path to the dark side that is. Isn't that what Yoda said? HE could kick some azz too!

My two masters and guides in the art of Chinese Fuk Yu.

Ah, here it is... What better words to end this post by?