Wakey Wakey Fakey!

http://www.youtube.com/v/lv4FOnjQZ5I?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autohide=1&autoplay=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=E4HpbT6txrIIDjxeqTlZ2w

This is a little story I would love to show to all the security companies that I've worked for during training day or "orientation" or whatever fake name they want to give it. When they tell all the prospective guards the seriousness of their positions and the importance of maintaining a serious military deportment I just wanna call bullshit. Or say something like, "Say friend... Why, I oughta give you a knuckle sandwich, bub! Stop talkin' and actin' like it's 1950, Pally. That would be swell!"

On a recent document that all guards were issued at my latest security company, and that we all had to promise to obey and affix our signatures to forthwith, were some real gems! They spent, I thought, an inordinate amount of time talking about uniforms. How uniforms must be clean and the guard must be clean cut, clean shaven and showered in Mr. Clean. Boots polished to a blinding shine, slacks creased, and I think the word "immaculate" was used twice! First of all boots? I asked why, knowing it was just to make us look like SWAT team members or soldiers. The answer was ankle support. What are we figure skating out there? I walk. That's the biggest part of my job. I need arch support more than ankle support. I don't need the sweaty, trench foot and extra poundage that come with the oh so cool and "professional" looking boots. Creased "trousers", no hands in pockets or gum chewing, slash-proof vest and gloves, utility belt with keys, cuffs, and radio with professional sounding code being spoken like it is in the movies. Or at least in the 1950 "pictures." And some of that code was outlined. I kid you not! "Always end a transmission with the word 'over.'" And, "When ending a conversation, use the word, 'out.'" So that would be "over and out" when you finish. Roger dodger, good buddy!

I get the idea that the uniform is supposed to command respect. And in 1950 it probably DID. But, at what point does appearance overcome utility and turn your uniform into a costume? Are we trying to make the uniform do the work the person inside should be doing? As this video would suggest about the CHIP uniform, it immediately, (nowadays), commands something different from respect. And I would suggest the uniform of the security guard instantly commands a helluva a lot LESS respect than that of any police officer. For that reason it is even MORE important for us to overcome the initial, "Oh geez, here comes the Fuzz, 5 Oh, The wannabe cops, A bacon bit, Paul Blart, a rent-a-cop," or any of the somewhat less than respectful nicknames people have for my profession. And the worst way to try to overcome the instant disadvantage your uniform provides you is to act like officer Farva from Super Troopers or THIShttp://www.youtube.com/v/eDJrQBwJpqk?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=-IAUQpGPveYiem8t8LJAMw&feature=share&autoplay=1&autohide=1&showinfo=1
power tripping turd.

Why do you suppose there ARE videos about how to assert your legal rights when confronted by cops? Because there are way too many "cowboys" out there. That's a term a fellow guard used while he was training me that I thought was pretty good. His name was Allen. He was good! He worked in an area and at a time when he was CONSTANTLY confronting people who were under the influence of mind-altering substances and STILL night after night didn't have any conflict. He was never given the guard of the month bonus for forcefully wrestling any perpetrator to the ground and cuffing him/her until the police arrived because he used his head, not his handcuffs. He was very much like the CHIP in the first video. You will notice it took 20 years for anyone to notice him. That's what happens to the truly good guards too. We aren't noticed because our style is pre-emptive. It allows us to avoid almost all confrontation that might require "guard of the month" type response.

Report writing. There's another area where security companies need to lighten the hell up. In our recent promise to uphold the standards of the company there was instruction, again what I thought was an inordinate amount thereof, to never ever ever write in any other colour but black. We record everything that happens in our notebooks, then certain incidents in incident reports and sometimes even in triplicate with the advent of the electronic log. So security companies ARE trying to update a bit! But not very much. Black ink. Is there a law? Nope. Is there a preference by any of the many wings of the legal profession? Yes. But it's not black. I got my brother to get me a criminal record check through the Calgary Police, the ones that every Calgary based security company aspires to be like, and I was told to write my official request form for him to do that for me in blue ink. The reason is very simple: that way it's easy to tell from a photocopy. Probably a policy practiced since photocopying became widespread in the 1950's. I'm just guessing at that but this is just an example of how particular security companies are about reports. And it's a good example of the total lack of reason for it. Other than, of course, because that's just the way we do things.

When working for the hospital security and writing a report on their computer program for that called "Perspective," there are all kinds of things done by guards for the purposes of form that detract from content. In fact every hospital guard I worked with had about a dozen report templates for the most common incidents and they would just insert the details into them and submit them. They aren't so concerned with getting the message of what happened to the various organizations that will have access to their report once it is submitted, they are concerned mostly with writing it in a "professional" looking and sounding form that will not be sent back by their shift lead with instructions to write it again. And incident reports for all the companies are similar. Just one of the countless and ridiculous rules I've been told: Don't ever use "I" in the report. Use "the writer." It sounds more legal. Well my contention is that since we print our name twice and give our signature once on every incident report, if the reader isn't bright enough to discern to whom "I" might refer, maybe that reader shouldn't be reading the writer. And what about this: "On the above specified date and location of duty, the writer did, during the performance of his requisite patrols, witness a male perpetrator of Caucasian race, approximately 5'10, 175 lbs. wearing black pants and a light grey hoodie, writing the obscenity, "FUCK," on the northeast wall of the office building at which the writer is posted. The writer didst become aware of the surreptitiously approaching writer. The writer did forthwith commence speedy pursuit of the writer. Pepper spray was produced by the writer and dispatched with aplomb on the writer. The writer did henceforth continue his pursuit of the writer with somewhat diminished capacity..." and so on. This is the way my various supervisors would probably LOVE for me to write my reports, and let's be honest, there is no style I am unable to write, but I just won't do it. I could write every report in iambic pentameter if I were told to. But it would limit the content just as this ridiculously formal style limits the content. I write my reports as if I were talking with a regular person. I guaran-damn-tee if one of them is ever needed for a courtroom proceeding the legal representatives will appreciate my clear and concise description of the details considerably more than my professional sounding diction.

And isn't this the exact same thing that Elton Simmons does? He doesn't even KNOW what he's doing! Because he's not doing anything! He's not ACTing in any way. He's just being himself. I have taught for 15 years and have taught teachers how to teach and I have preached this exact same thing. If you are an asshole, you can NOT act nice all the time when you're teaching, being a cop or a security guard. Therefore, you just shouldn't be doing it. There will come a time and a situation when your actual personality will come out. I can't tell you how many assholes/cowboys I have met who are security guards. Some of them make their way up to management! One of the worst was the gal at Paladin in Victoria who trained me and 4 other guards in non-violent crisis intervention. This very course is a fantastic example of what I am talking about. Is a violent person faced with a possibly violent perpetrator going to think back to his non-violent crisis training? I've seen people who have had years and years of martial arts training completely abandon it all in a fight and scratch, claw, bite, swing wildly like an angry monkey. The course is useless because nobody thinks about it in time of crisis. If you have natural or well-nurtured skills of de-escalation, you will use them. The cowboy will just jump the person.

Now my trainer, whose name I have amazingly forgotten, was a girl. I don't care what anyone says about political correctness and all that crap, girls can get away with being a lot more aggressive than men. In Canada at least. I worked for the cops in Smithers and when there is a dust-up at the Twin on a Saturday night, send in the female cop. Not even the most hardened, drunk, yippin' on crack pugilist will attack a female. Usually. The ones who will? I asked one of the female cops in Smithers and she said the same thing as one of the other guards training in non violent crisis intervention with me who was a bouncer at a Victoria bar, "I hate breaking up the girl fights!" Girls are the aggressive sex in Canada. Don't kid yourself. And my teacher actually taught in our course something I had learned in training with the R.C.M.P. to be dead wrong. Something every other student in training knew to be the exact opposite of what she was supposed to be teaching us. She said, "If someone gets in your face, never, ever, EVER take a step back." That is exactly word for word what she said! Now being a Canadian male I had to try as nicely as I could to politely and sensitively voice my disagreement with her so as not to piss her off. I first had to stop her from talking. She didn't respond to my hand raising or my normal tone of voice so I had to shout her name, "HEY!" Then she shut up. For a very short time. I said, "Are you saying that we ALL should do this or is this just what has worked for you?" No every guard is supposed to do this. "Well it seems to me, and I'm not trying to be difficult, but wouldn't that just escalate the situation?" No it makes it so that everybody around doesn't think you'll take any crap from them. Well then the whole class started disagreeing with her and before long, to win the argument, she got louder and angrier and the entire class was practicing non-violent crisis intervention trying to de-escalate our teacher so that she could continue teaching the course. We finally let her away with, "Well what I meant was if you are in a position where there is a wall behind you and you can't step backwards, THEN you shouldn't step back."

Of course she was an absolute STAR in the Paladin organization! And she took every opportunity during the class to read us her resume. Youngest woman to ever do this, first woman to hold this position, etc. And I'll tell you another thing, and I can't say this goes for all women or all Canadian women because that would be a downright unCanadian male thing to say, but she never forgot this incident and took every opportunity to make my career at the company as tough as she could. Promised that I could get a ride home with mobile after a shift I took that ended at a time when there was no transit service. Purposely "forgot" to tell mobile I needed the ride home. It was winter and would have had a long walk home. I radioed one of the mobile guys and he drove me home because even though he didn't have to, he knew me and considered me to be a nice guy. People do shit for you when that is the case. And they DON'T complain about you!

There was a computer program at Victoria Paladin that allowed the workers to complain about things they didn't like about the company. This girl got so many complaints it was unbelievable! Every guard I talked to! Some complained about the way she was treating ME! So that was when she got PROMOTED!

THIS is the point I'm making here! Security companies seem to have no clue what effective guarding looks like and they seem to hire an awful lot of cowboys, (or cowgirls), when they really should be looking for people like Elton and me who, without acting, can deal with the public in difficult situations and not allow the situation to get out of hand. In fact deal with it in a positive way. Have a laugh with the person you are banning from the property! There is every possibility they won't return if they think it will make your job harder. Be polite and smile when you are telling someone not to skateboard on the property. It works! My site in Victoria was very popular for skateboarders and I never had a single problem with them. They knew I was a nice guy but they knew I was going to catch them if they were skateboarding there and wouldn't allow them to stay.

If everybody thought of law officers and security guards like this, there wouldn't be so many nasty nicknames for them and there wouldn't be so much disrespect to overcome during a confrontation. It would make for infinitely fewer problems for every police force and security company. Why security companies are so slow in figuring this out is beyond me.