The Bees Knees

A bee

staggers out

of the peony.

Matsuo Basho

This is why so many people loved Basho. There’s a LOT here in just 7 words! Do bees get drunk? Do they enjoy it? Yes they DO on ethanol in fermented nectar , (it’s kinda like mead I guess), and I like to think yes they DO enjoy it after all the hard work they do! And for all but the completely wild bees, which are few and far between, practically all their work goes for naught anyway. Their honey, or almost all of it, is just stolen by beekeepers. So I can relate! They NEED that fermented nectar! At least by my way of thinking. And don’t kid yourself, a good portion of that buzzing is exactly that! Their buzzing about the injustices inherent in the system. “Why can’t any of the males lift a finger to help around here? And the queen thinks she’s all that and a bag of pollen! And what is up with the Great White One? I know he’s all powerful and he gives us some of that really great sugar water now and then and all but geez why can’t we have a deity that’s satisfied with maybe like 10%? Can you imagine how sweet that would bee???”

Basho, Lao Tzu, J.D. Salinger, Henry David Thoreau – what do they all have in common? They all, in their own ways and for varying lengths of time, separated themselves from society and pursued lives of quiet contemplation as hermits in the wilderness. They chose to separate themselves from relentless warfare, human suffering, injustice and unresponsive governments. One other thing they have in common is that they all share my admiration, and more than a little of my envy, for having the balls and the wherewithal to have done so. How many of us haven’t wished we could do it? Come on. You know you have! Only thing that keeps me from doing it right now is that it’d be really hard to get high speed internet.

These are the little pleasures. Internet, junk food, cable, getting staggering drunk now and then. They keep us from cutting bait and heading for the hills. Oh yeah, and if you’re not like me you have the societally mandated spouse, two kids and a dog each of which comes with plenty of trappings that keep you all from building your own shacks on your own Walden Ponds. Friends, family, social obligations, we all impose upon ourselves… or do we? What if these are all just figments of our socially fortified sentimental, mystic perceptions of what life ought to be? What if all these ideas are systematically implanted THROUGH the things we enjoy, (like TV, computers, games, reading), all for the singular purpose of keeping us from packing up the Chevy and driving to Walden Pond? In other words, keeping us around making more honey. For someone else!

There is an idea known in the East as “Wu Wei.” Roughly translated it is enlightened non-action in place of the hustle and bustle of “busy-work” for its own sake. There is a saying In the West known as “Woo Wee!” roughly translated as “Yeehaw,” “Fuckin’ A,” or “NOW yer talkin’!” They are virtually identical. Why do we force ourselves to do what we KNOW we don’t want to? I think a little discipline is good but come ON! Even BEES like to get pissed once in a while! We can’t keep pushing ourselves so hard! If we do we are going to have a major breakdown in our society and we will be FORCED to make a drastic change! The bees already HAVE in my opinion!

THIS requires a new paragraph! Most of us have heard of the disappearance of the bees. It’s no secret. If you get out at ALL you will probably have noticed fewer bees in the cherry blossoms of spring; fewer bees in the clover to accidentally step on; fewer bees to help perform the ecologically essential jobs of pollination and germination so that we have FOOD… yeah they’re just kinda gone. Beekeepers all over North America have noticed drops in their bee numbers. Significant, in fact DRASTIC drops. Plenty of explanations have been offered up. Maybe it has to do with the new style of farming that has so many farmers specializing in one single crop and planting HUGE acreages with that one crop only. This gives the bees only one short flowering/pollinating/germinating season. The rest of the time there’s nothing but patio flowers and rose bushes around the farmers’ houses. Others would guess that it could be pesticides like Roundup produced by our friendly neighbourhood Satanic evildoers known as Monsanto that are poisoning the bees. Well even though Monsanto is the cancer of all the diseases that threaten our environment, I have to wonder where all the bees are. The weird thing is that the bees are disappearing but the beekeepers haven’t found that many bee carcasses. And I KNOW that bees sometimes get pollen and nectar from plants that are toxic to humans. The honey they make from the nectar from these plants is actually poisonous to humans! Hold that thought for a while.

I’ve been out looking at the cherry blossoms in Korea and Canada. I always take notice of the bees, or lack thereof. I’ve seen the stories of farmers in the States who just can’t get their crop quotas without help from the bees so they have to fly bees in from Australia cuz the local guys they’ve dealt with for years just don’t have the populations. Then they haul those poor bees across the country and back by the truckloads.

My stepfather is a beekeeper and he gets all his honey from way WAY deep in the woods of British Columbia where it’s harder and a bit more dangerous to get at. It is my well-informed, (though admittedly imaginative), theory that the bees are simply going Thoreauian on our asses. Or Bashoian or Laotzuian or Salingerian! They’re sick of the injustices in their world like all of these authors. Shorter flowering seasons; farther to fly for flowers; wages decreasing while the cost of living is on the rise; and a government/God who is taxing their thoraxes AND posteriors off! They’re going native. It’s my guess that we will soon be stumbling on ENORMOUS colonies of bees in remote jungles and uncharted wilderness where they can keep ALL their honey, grow fat and work a HELLUVA lot less. I think it’s most likely that the honey they are producing will be strategically infused with nectar from various plants that are poisonous to thieving human beings. If not the bees will probably just Africanize. Ever heard of killer bees? That’s what I’m talking about. Guarding their hives from the greed of humanity that was the scourge of their previous existence. How can you blame them?

I tell you I’m a little bit surprised the bees have beaten us humans to it. I guess the fact that we are cognitive and more in touch with our intellectual sides while the bees are totally natural accounts for this failing on our part. But there’s no time like that present to be like the bees.

The Tao of Immigration

Imagine you're from South Korea, Taiwan, or China, (and that includes Hong Kong now don't forget). You're a multi-millionaire, and that's dollars, not Yuen, Renminbi or won or whatever. How did you make so much money? I have never met a Hong Kong Chinese business man but I know tons from Korea and some from China and Taiwan and with apparently no shame at all they will TELL you how they made their fortunes if you've had a drink or two with them: by screwing their own people and usually hurting the environment. Now they won't come right out and SAY that, you have to ask the right, (or wrong), questions and lead them down the garden path for a bit before you get a mea culpa smile, maybe a shoulder shrug and a statement like, "I made it the way everybody ELSE makes money in my country," or, "That's the way we do business. Always has been," or, "If I didn't do it, somebody ELSE would have," or, "Hey, who's PAYING the check here? Stop asking questions like that."

The regular people in those countries think you are adorably naive if you believe there is any such thing as an honest businessman. But all those folks who remember scumbag real estate scam artists or land barons who stomped them and their loved ones on their way to the top spit as they say their names but given half a chance, would do exactly the same thing. Just imagine every single Chinese movie ever made only substitute business for Kung Fu. When they are too young to fight back their mother or father or grandfather is killed by a rogue Kung Fu artist. They have nothing but hatred for that murderer but MAD respect for his Kung Fu. They know they must dedicate their entire lives to acquiring superior skills with which to defeat him.

So anyway, imagine that's you. You are the rich Asian rogue businessman who Kung Fu fought your way to the top of the business world. You're in a quandary. You're living large in your country but you know people only ACT like they don't want to chop you up like a Beni Hana chef and stirfry your ass because, let's face it, you're filthy rich and they have MAD respect for your corruption skills. But they all hate you. You've lied to, cheated and stolen from them all. In the course of your "business" you've taken the financially successful and socially accepted cavalier environmental attitude that has left your country a wasteland, or hastened it down the road to becoming one. You say to yourself, "You know what? It's probably a good time to leave this festering nuclear swamp with air that gives me smoker's cough and water that makes my hair fall out when I swim in it and do some 'business' elsewhere."

In a recent Wall Street Journal article we find, not surprisingly, that half of China's millionaires want to leave their country. The other half just said they didn't want to leave because they're scared the Chinese Communist Party might put them in a torture - I mean "forced labour" camp or harvest their organs or something. 37% of the 50% who said they want to get the Fu Manchu outta Dodge listed Canada as a top emmigration destination. Canada admits a reported 3000 immigrant investors a year along with their families. There is a waiting list of 25,000 wealthy folks largely made up of Asian Kung Fu businessmen, (with their families that's about 90,000 people), White Crane Hammerpunching on Canada's door to be let in as I write this.

Now imagine you're a Canadian immigration officer. You're thinking, "What are the chances that these guys will come to Canada and live as law-abiding, corruption-free, environmentally friendly citizens of their adopted country? Survey said - XXX (bzzzt)! Oh too bad. And what are the odds that they can be assimilated into our society without disrupting our social systems with their deeply instilled and massively different customs, and the huge influx of disposable cash that will drive the cost of damn near everything through the roof because, hey, THEY can afford it? Ooooh WHAMMY! I'm sorry." Yes Canadian immigration officers DO have game show hosts for consciences.

But you know what? For one reason only, (gue$$ what that i$), Canada says, "Ah, what the hell come on in anyway and make our country your home and non-native land." Oh wait a minute, did I say Canada says that? Sorry 'bout that I sometimes think we ARE the democratic country we're constantly assured we are. What I mean is the government says this without asking the rest of Canada what we think.

If you're like me and have seen a few Asian businessmen in action you think, "How can these amoral, corporate-minded, profit-at-all-cost, sociopathic masters of the dark side of the Force possibly be any good for Canada?" I am reminded of a story. While teaching at a Chinese ESL school in Burnaby one of my students, a business major who is now probably doing business in China or maybe even Canada, said to me, "Do you know the difference between our two countries? In Canada you have one guy who wants to cut down 100 trees. In China we have 100 guys who want to cut down 1 tree." This is the way they try to justify their actions in their heads. I said, "First of all one guy in Canada would not cut down the 100 trees. He would cut down 50 and PLANT 100. If we had only one tree NObody would even be considering cutting it down. Maybe this is one of the reasons for the difference between our two countries." He said he'd never considered it that way but such a thing could never happen in China.

It's hard to imagine a way to make it worth our while in Canada when these types of people are the ones we are inviting into our lives. But Halleluiah there IS a Way! Me and Mohammed Yunus know a way! The word "Tao" translates into "the way." The Asian businessmen trying to get into Canada know the way and are just hoping they make it here before we stop being such numbskulls and explore it.

I recently watched a really great British documentary on China and in it the British host is talking to a couple Chinese owners of a mine in Africa. He asked them how the local workers were and the answer was that they are not as good as Chinese. "Chinese people only work, they do not like to have fun." People like these see friendliness, kindness, graciousness in business as weaknesses to be exploited. They think it's just stupid to be nice. Nice=stupid.

Here's a gal at a self serve yogurt place with a tip jar. Is tipping nice or stupid? They don't much care. I don't know how many years Canada has been letting in 3000 foreign investors every year but it's becoming VERY clear that we've been too nice. And believe it or not the Canadian conservative government in their ceaseless quest to make Canada ALL ABOUT money has noticed.

There is one thing you need to be chosen as one of the successful candidates for immigration into Canada for business purposes: money. Guess how much it is. It's a paltry $800,000! That's a lot of chicken scratch to the average person but these foreign investors are anything BUT the average citizens of their countries. Of ANY country! And if you take a good look at what the country of Canada is giving them for their 800 grand, it's just not worth it to Canada. Then when you think about what's been happening after they've paid that money it's REALLY not worth it. I think I heard our immigration minister saying it's like selling 5-dollar pie for 50 cents. The Harper government wants to double the price of their pieces of our pie to 1.6 mil. I say why stop there? You see what these mostly Asian businessmen know is that Canada is a foreign investor's wet dream! Wide open spaces, fresh air, "nice" people, enormous tax breaks created by the Canadian government, (again, not the Canadian people), one of my favourite euphemisms: tax "shelters" so there is absolutely no reason ANY tax will be paid for doing business here, and oil, iron ore, lumber and all kinds of other natural resources that have not been madly scrambled for by a bunch of Shao Ling scheisters, but carefully managed and in some cases RENEWED by these "NICE NICE" people. 25000 people on the waiting list. That should be a tip off. There are investors falling all over themselves to get into Canada before this bargain goes away. I think the sale is over. Time to make the price reasonable.

But what is a reasonable price? 1.6 million? I'm sorry that won't even cover the tuition hikes that people in Quebec and all over Canada are so upset about. If I went to my course in my University right now it would cost me 10 times what I paid in tuition. To Asians who think nothing of spending half their income or more on their kids' educations that's not too bad a price. To RICH Asians it's nothing. Do you suppose there's a correlation between rising tuition in Canada and these 3000 rich families a year coming to Canada with kids who need to go to school?

How about 2 million then? Nope. That's not even going to cover the jacked up green fees at my local golf course that now has two of every foursome consisting of Asians decked out in top of the line equipment and fashion which they bought with the money they saved paying 100 bucks instead of 300 bucks for green fees like their home courses.

Okay let's make it 3 mil. How bout let's not. That's nowhere near enough to pay for adjustments to our kids' education comprised of cuts to art, music, drama, physical education, literature etc. and extra courses in math, science and the science of math.

How bout 4 mil. Not enough to cover the cost of changing ads, signage, bank machines etc. to accomodate Chinese characters.

5 mil? Not yet. Canadians are already paying for expensive courses in common sense that are mandatory to employment and only helpful to those used to strict training in math and science, not independant thought, creative thinking, problem solving, discretion, you know, what we USED to call "education."

Do I hear 6 mil? Traffic expenses. I know this is a terrible stereotype but it's also true. I've driven in Asia. There are no left turns without left turn signals and absolutely no courtesy corners. They know their own limitations.

7? Ever have an Asian landlord or landlady? Cuz you WILL.

Okay here it is. What I think is a fair price: 8 million bucks entry fee to do business in Canada. That's 10X what they pay now. Everything ELSE has gone up in price, why not this? 8 is fair but you know it just wouldn't be right to miss this glorious opportunity to do to them what they've been doing to every poor schmuck they've stepped on to get to the top. So let's make it an even 10 million, because, hey, THEY can afford it. They should be HAPPY to fork it over because ostensibly, (and that's a big word here), this entry fee is collected for the economic development of Canada, their NEW country.

So let the whole 25000 in and make 'em pay 10 mil each. Do you know what that works out to? 250 BILLION dollars! Surely even our government couldn't squander that! Could they? Well you wouldn't think so would you? But the collossal problem on our tao to immigration enlightenment in Canada is the money up until now has been given to provincial governments. They already have an embarrassment of tax riches funded by the "little people" of Canada who still aren't in the loop enough to find tax loopholes; who aren't savvy enough to find tax shelters to deliver them from this burden - I mean patriotic duty to their country; who are too "nice" and too poor. Well it's no shock to hear that the money, this 800,000 X 3000 people a year has often been described as, "sitting idle on government balance sheets" or "languishing in bank accounts." Then after five years it is given back to the foreign investor. There you have it: free entry into Canada.

Wait a minute here! NOW who thinks we're stupid? I don't know of any bank or any government, (which are all run like banks or corporations), that is gonna let a single dollar of that money "languish" or "sit idle." I have a hunch the money intended for the economic development of Canada has been used for the economic development of bank managers and provincial government fund managers to "economically develop" their new yachts and mansions by the lake. Most likely claimed as a performance bonus and stashed in some "tax shelter" in the Cayman Islands. But not to worry, a little of it trickled down to the Canadian peasants who they bought coffee from or who cleaned their pools so win - win, right?

If anything SCREAMS deregulation, this fiasco does. And this is where me and Mohammed come in. Mohammed Yunus, creator of Gramean Bank, originator of micro credit and winner of the Nobel Prize has an idea that he calls "social economics." He proposes to allow businessmen and entrepreneurs to do business that is socially beneficial. They can still make profit but they have to do it in ways that will help OTHER people. I know there are no businessmen, certainly no Asian businessmen, who have any idea OTHER people serve any purpose but that of customer. I think Mohammed is overestimating businesspeople and underestimating greed here. But that's all right. In my theory of relativity I proposed a capitalist conscience called a relativity planner who will FORCE these people to do what is right but won't stop them from doing what is profitable. The whole 250 billion should be used to hire some good relativity planners, folks who are not members of any bank, government or associated in any way with a corporation. They will find good ways to benefit Canada with this money, and not just RICH Canada.

MY first suggestion would be to build refineries in Alberta right beside the oil sands that the Chinese are so hot and bothered over. They want our oil, they can have it in refined form. Refined at refineries that employ 100% Canadian workers. That way WHEN there are oil spills there won't be crude oil blackening the harbour view of their new Canadian homes. Refined oil will be easier to clean up and safer for the environment.

Put up some more windmills on the windy prairies to cut electricity bills. Hook generators up to all the treadmills and stationary bikes in gyms across the country to power the buildings they're in. I'm sure the relativity planners will come up with LOTS of ideas. And if they run out, they can always hire some of the boatloads of out-of-work Canadian degree holders in engineering, electronics, geology, (English), or who knows what to come up with some new ones. The foreign investors shouldn't mind at all because after all it IS their new country they are helping isn't it?

Vancouver Concussed

(Sung to the tune of "Daniel" by Elton John)

Daniel is ridin' tonight on the plane
I can see the red tail lights heading to L.A.
Oh and I can see Daniel waving goodbye.
Well it looks like Daniel. Guess it could be that other guy.

Henrik says, "Daniel my brother you are, (6 minutes), younger than me
do you still feel the pain? Are there stars in your eyes?
Your eyes are fine! They've seen more goals than mine.
Daniel your a star and we need you tonight.

The Stanley Cup is pretty this time of year.
Daniel says it's the best thing he's ever seen
oh and he oughta know he came close enough.
Lord I miss Daniel. Oh I miss him so much."



If you don't know the story, Daniel Sedin got gooned by elbow armour to the head thrown by Duncan Keith in retaliation for something he did earlier in a regular season game in Chicago. There's a click you can make on the vid above to see Daniel's hit on Keith that led to this. Daniel Sedin hasn't played since and his team, the BEST TEAM IN THE NHL, the Canucks, is losing to the L.A. Kings 3 games to nil in their first round playoff series. The Kings who almost set a modern day record this season for lowest scoring games both for and against. They've scored 9 goals in three games and the Canucks who won the President's trophy for the second year in a row as the team who had the best regular season record, have scored 4 goals total in three straight losses. They did not lose three straight games in the whole 82-game season including the 8 or 9 games they played without Daniel. Helluva time to start!

But back to Daniel. He came out and played most of the power play resulting from the elbow to the head, but then somebody must have asked him who the highest scoring Swedish defenceman in history was and he said Borje Salming instead of Nick Lidstrom. "Oh that's definitely consistent with concussion-type symptoms. Yank him!"

Now I'm not exactly sure that's what happened and far be it from me to complain about overprotection or ANYthing for that matter, BUUUT, seems to me the NHL's position on the new fad called the concussion might be erring on the side of INCREDIBLE overcautiousness and incredibly after-the-fact.

First of all why does nobody seem to know exactly what the hell the policy is on concussions and who determines them and how long before the player can come back and how many fingers you should hold up when you ask "how many fingers am I holding up?" I heard that Daniel has a sore neck and had a headache. You think? Did you see that hit? But does that definitely mean he'll be a slobbering stalk of celery later in life if he plays the must win game four on Wednesday EVEN IF HE GETS HIT IN THE HEAD AGAIN? Don't bullshit me here, that question can NOT be answered with science. It's just a bunch of people saying, "Well, just in case..." And by "people" I don't necessarily mean people who understand hockey or have ever even seen a game in their lives. They just might be the same people who are trying so hard to get the fighting out of hockey. And they seem to be winning! Why are they winning???

It's my understanding that they hook the players up to all kinds of computer equipment and get them to ride the bike or run on the treadmill or bail hay on the coach's farm and then they keep those figures, (whatever the hell they are measuring), on file. THEN when a guy on the other team who is a mediocre player who wants to make an impact, literally, in the only way he is capable and starts swinging his elbows like Dennis Rodman in the key and hits somebody in the head with one they take the victim out of the game "for his own protection." They fine the elbow thrower an amount he can pay with the quarters under his knuckle tape. Then they take the victim back to the coach's farm to do some hay bailing again and if those mysterious figures vary from 8 months ago in pre-season well just to be on the safe side we should assume the variation is consistent with concussion-type symptoms. This is just my understanding of it, I could be a little off.

I am all for the protection of the players, don't get me wrong. But it seems to me that the NHL's close the gate after the cows escape policy on concussions reeks strongly of lobbying, ($$$), from elbow pad manufacturers. It seems like a, (sorry bout this but), no-brainer to me! Elbow pad rules need to change. I've never played in the NHL but I have played THOUSANDS of hours of hockey in my day. Of all of that maybe .001% was played while wearing elbow pads. I hated them. They interfered with my range of motion, my shot, my checking AND my elbowing! And I'll tell you this: I have never had, nor have I ever seen a single solitary incident where a guy has said, "Wow, I sure am glad I had my elbow pads on there! Otherwise I mighta got hurt." But those were the OLD elbow pads. The ones built for the totally unnecessary protection of the elbow. The soft ones. The NEW elbow pads are exactly ZERO more protective of the wearer's elbows but about a bazillion times more dangerous to the poor schmuck who takes one to the head.

Do you think the players don't know this? Do you think the manufacturers don't? This is just Bobby Clarke hacking Valeri Kharlamov's ankle all over again. It's no different than the NFL, (and for those who know football, let's be honest, ALL football), and their bounties for injuring opponents. See those stickers on college football players' helmets? They're not for helping opposing players up in a sportsmanlike manner.

In just about anything, unfortunately that includes sports, there will be cheaters. I have seen some SHAMEFUL

elbow flailing in the few games I've in this year's playoffs. This year the league needs to suspend guys for intent to injure. For many games! Many games could mean the entire playoffs. Do THAT a couple times and you'll see guys go back to good old stick swinging again. Then at the end of the season and before next season, (if there IS one), the league needs to take a PROactive approach to this black eye on the game. Stop the players from getting concussions for crying out loud. New and softer elbow pads. And in the name of Walter Gretzky would somebody PLEASE get it together on the concussion diagnoses. This is the playoffs. Players play hurt. We need to know the difference between, "He's feeling a little off his game," and "He will endanger his future faculties if he plays."

4 goals in 3 games. Oh I miss Daniel. Oh I miss him so much!

Dave's Playoff Predictions: East

The East.

Whole new puckgame here folks! ANY team who thinks they are going to lose and just wants to give a losing performance in which they don't look too bad can play defence. That "careful" hockey I talked about in the West is what teams do when they think they're gonna lose. They just hope if they keep it close they'll get a lucky bounce and win it. If not they'll only lose by one or two goals. PPPttthhhhbbbbtttt! I think you'll see a lot less of that here in the East.

Pittsburgh/Philly

If Vancouver doesn't meet Detroit I think this will be the series of the playoffs. Even if Van/Det match up there's no guarantee it'll be as good as, (in my opinion), the two best games in the NHL this season they played. Maybe because there were so many Swedes on the ice, I dunno, but THAT was real hockey! This series will be too. More scoring than any of the western series and maybe more scoring than any TWO of the western series! And if you want star power, THIS is the series to watch! Malkin, Crosby, Neal, Staal, Letang, Giroux, Jagr, Briere, Hartnell, Timonen, Kunitz, Dupuis, I could keep on going. I saw Brayden Schenn dominate the World Jrs. He could do some damage too. As an offensive hockey lover I'm really disappointed one of these clubs will be knocked out so early. I think they are the two best teams in the East. Rangers and Bruins would have their hands full with either of them. I think the Rangers and Bruins might have their hands full anyway. Even though Pitt. scored more in the regular season I would say Philly has the better offense of the two teams. AND, (thank GOD), they JUST MIGHT USE IT!

Giroux was one of only 6 guys in an 82-game season to get more than 82 points. He got 93 in only 77 games to rank third in scoring. Briere is absolute MONEY in the playoffs. And Jagr has a little bit of game. Only 169 playoff games in which he's score 181 pts. That should come in handy. Hartnell had a career year and a guy whose team colours are noticed a bit less than his skin colour, Wayne Simmonds will be an impact player too. Timonen is an underrated defenceman who can score a bunch and Read is a rookie I think will produce in the playoffs. Even the third line of Talbot, Schenn and Voracek has an offensive slant to it. Their defence is not as good as Pittsburgh's but if their goalie is "Cool Brize" and not the sieve Philly always seems to ice this time of year, folks we have a series!

If you have a weak heart, don't read this: Malkin, Crosby, Neal, Staal, Letang. THAT is the power play Pittsburgh ices. If I were to pick a power play from all the players in the league 3 or even 4 of these guys might be on it. If I didn't know that Daniel and Henrik have about a billion times the chemistry Crosby and Malkin have, that is... But anyway, pretty scary! Number one priority for Philly: stay out of the penalty box. But the Pens defence is also better than Philadelphia's. And goalies change like the wind but after playing like 8 hundred games in a row there is NO goalie steadier than the Flower. So I give Pittsburgh the nod in goaltending too. If Philly sees what I see they will run and gun and I don't think Pittsburgh will mind that at all. THIS is going to be a BEAUTY to watch!

NYR/Ottawa

Okay now back down to Earth. I think the Rangers block more shots and THINK they have a better goalie than any team in the UNIVERSE, so guess what kind of game they'll be playing. Plus I think Ottawa thinks they are outmatched here so guess what kind of game THEY'LL be playing. All the offensive stars on these clubs, except Gaborik, and possibly Karlsson, (even though he's a defenceman), pride themselves on having a strong defensive side. The defence of the Rangers DOES have a good defensive side. Ottawa? meh. Goaltending you have to give to the Rangers. But this is ALWAYS a major variable. ANY goalie can suddenly star out and steal a series. Never know... Anderson could do that. If I'm the Sens I go all out offense. But I have a feeling they don't have the confidence to do that so they'll keep it close and play defensively. The Rangers will LOVE that and both teams will be counting on one or two lucky breaks or power plays to win them the games. Ugly to watch but the Rangers will GET all those lucky bounces and power plays. There goes another Canadian team.

Boston/Washington

I know you think I hate the Bruins for that fiasco in the playoffs against my Canucks last season so I can't be unbiased in my description of this series. Well you are RIGHT! Washington in 4! Injuries to Lucic, Marchand, Chara, Horton, Seguin... AND Larry Bird! I hate Boston! BUT I seriously think this is a series to watch if you like the underdog. This is my pick for the shocking upset of the first round. Would this be more shocking than SJ beating St.L? I think so. Look at the Washington Capitals. They lost their number one offensive guy and number one offensive defenseman for most of the year. I know Ovechkin is sometimes considered their offensive heart and soul but he's a goal scorer. The guy who is the skill player on this team is Backstrom. I bet even OV would say that. And there aren't many FORWARDS in the league with the offensive abilities of a healthy Mike Green. They made it into the playoffs pretty much without these guys. Think of Detroit without Datsyuk and Lidstrom. Think of Ottawa without Spezza and Karlsson. Think of how crappy Pittsburgh would do if they lost Crosby and Letang for most of the season... ohhh yeah, they DID. And they were STILL not crappy. But anyhoo, Washington now has these two guys and they are gonna make a severely underperforming Alex Ovechkin into the superstar he WASN'T this season. Just like the All Star Game, the playoffs have a HUGE audience and we all know the Great 8's ego thrives in a situation like that. Semin can be as good as anyone, or as bad as anyone depending upon if he's interested. They have size, speed, solid D, (I think Wideman is probably the most underrated Dman I can think of). I wouldn't want to be Boston I'll tell you THAT.

However, they beat a better team, (the Canucks), by intimidating, cheating, well you all SAW what they did. And they could do that again. We'll have to see. I am cheering for a Washington win only slightly less than a Vancouver win in the first round.

Florida/New Jersey

Oh yeah, these guys are playing too. Florida knows they can't outscore them, because they can't score. So they'll do the old shut down thing and it won't work for them. New Jersey will play better offensively. If you are in a pool, pick Brodeur because there should be some shut-outs here. I just don't CARE about this series.

Dave's Playoff Predictions WEST

The West

If not for the distinct possibility that all of these games will be within one or two goals and there will be a LOT of overtime, these series would all be boring as FUCK! I think it's going to be four good offensive teams wasting their talents playing defence, the other teams' game. I'd LOVE to see the Canucks, Sharks, Wings and Hawks get rid of the boring defensive teams and get on with some exciting hockey but I don't think that's too likely. I'm cheering for them all and actually think they all SHOULD win but you never see defensive teams getting lulled into playing offense at this time of year. It's always the other way around. Like I said, boring.

Van/L.A.

I expect at some point, (though not in game one, (which they lost)), Canucks coach Filet Mignon will duct tape Sammi Pahlsson to the back of Anze Kopitar, the Kings only offensive superstar. He was tied for 15th in scoring this year, two points out of the top ten and he was being used in a defensive role. I didn't even NOTICE Pahlsson in game one and I think he could be the deciding factor in this series. Him or Daniel. Kesler has been used before as a shadow and he's VERY effective but I think the Canucks need him, a 41 goal scorer last year, in an offensive role against this defensive team. Scuderi and Mitchell are rock solid and Quick will stop a lot of Canuck rubber so we have to send a lot MORE rubber his way.

I think if Carter and Richards can show the chemistry they had in Philly the Kings will win a game or two in this one. But L.A. almost broke a league record for low scoring games, (for AND against), this year. It's shameful to give up 4 goals to this team! The Canucks played chicken hockey down the stretch worrying more about giving up scoring chances than getting them and they beat a bunch of non-playoff teams - by one goal - in OVERTIME! Vigneault called it "careful" hockey and "success." The only playoff team they beat that way was L.A. so I guess he figured it will be exactly the same story in the playoffs. It started out the same with the early first period goal but then a funny thing happened when they started playing for yet another boring 1-0 "careful success" - they spent half the game in the penalty box! That's the thing about the "careful" game: you do a lot of things that cause penalties like clutching, grabbing, slashing, tripping, boarding, roughing etc., whereas the offensive game Vigneault has abandoned causes the OTHER team to do these same things. THAT'S why the Vancouver power play is not #1 any more where it belongs. Not drawing enough penalties so not getting enough practice. Hopefully Friday with Daniel back in the line-up the coach will let the Canucks play. They were VERY lucky to get 2 goals in that first game!

If the Canucks use the speed and skill of players like Higgings, Hansen, Daniel, Henrik, Kesler, even cement hands Raymond we'll see some nice, skillful goals on the rush and some pretty passing plays. If the coach keeps playing this "careful" hockey the goals will be the ugly ones, lucky bounces, and power plays. I don't think it's smart to leave the game in the hands of the referees and Lady Luck. Overwhelm with offense. We have 4 lines that can do it. Otherwise we're likely to see a repeat of game one and I'd rather not, thank you.

St. Louis/San Jose

The Sharks will have a similar struggle to the Canucks. Blues D and Scroogey goaltending is even MORE solid than the Kings'. If you score a goal on them they say, "ME NO LIKE! ME HURT!" Not just Coliacovo, Jackman, Pietrangelo either. Their big forwards will too. They won't score on you but they WILL SMASH! To be fair, Backes, McDonald, Oshie, Arnott, Perron should be able to score one or MAYBE two goals a game. And if they can lure the Sharks into a rough and tumble series, that might be enough to win.

The Sharks have come to be known as playoff chokers. I'd like to contest the characterization of losing a close, hard-fought series last year to the best team in the league as "choking." But if they want to break that stereotype, do I really have to say it for the bazillionth time??? --- play some friggin' hockey! OFFENSE! Thornton, Marleau, Couture, Pavelski, Havlat, Boyle, Vlasic, this is offense to burn! And against a team with practically NONE, what do YOU think the strategy should be? But I have a feeling that we will STILL see the Sharks trying to beat the brutes of St. Lou at their own game. It'll be fun to watch for the physicality but I don't share the high hopes for the St. Louis team that so many hockey pundits do. I think they can and SHOULD be easily beaten by a Shark team that plays hockey the way it's supposed to be played. WHY OH WHY does nobody seem to do that in the playoffs?

Detroit/Nashville

If I start sounding like a broken record here lemme know. Another series with an elephant of an offense tied to a tiny stake in the ground: that MYTH that defence wins Stanley cups, that defence won THEM Stanley cups even!

But already it's starting. I am reading and hearing hockey people talking about how the "shut-down" abilities of Datsyuk and Zetterberg are going to be needed. WHAT? That's like using a Ferrari to haul lumber. I have a feeling this will be another really frustrating case of the COACH trying to win when he should just let his players play. GRRRRR.

I think Nashville is THE BEST defensive team in the league and I think even I might coach them to play the boring brand of hockey they play. Can you name their top scorer? Can you name ANYone on the team who isn't a defenceman or goalie? Like, who is the guy Zetterberg or Datsyuk is supposed to "shut down?" If you named Martin Erat you are a bona fide hockey man! If you think he's going to light it up in the playoffs this year I think I lost all the respect for you I gained when you named him. I think the Preds will try to score 1 or 2 goals a game and if Detroit can get past the forwards and defence and have anything close to a decent shot on Pecker Rinne, (I still hate him for almost single-handedly killing the Canucks last season), Preds say, "Have at 'er." I want you to know I wrote this on paper BEFORE the game yesterday: "Radulov was a bust last time he made the jump to the bigs and he will be again. He does great in the minors but gets pounded into offensive obscurity in the NHL. I don't share the optimism of the people saying he will bring an offensive explosion to Nashville." And look what happened. Nashville just shouldn't be able to score like they did in the first game of this series. And Detroit should only need a little bit of scoring every game to knock them off. I'm surprised that would be considered an upset.

Phoenix/Chicago

Chicago will likely make the same mistake the other three powerhouses in the west will: they will do the only thing that gives Phoenix a chance: play the OTHER team's game. Phoenix has an awesome defensive team and Mike Smith, HOLY! Try to get ANYthing by him! But their offense. Whitney? Vrbata? Come ON! They seem like one of those teams that gets a long way into the playoffs just because they like each other and work, ummm kinda like a pack of coyotes. But should be no match for offensive elephants like Chicago.


As for Chicago, as with most of these match-ups, the leading scorer on their opponents' team would be 5th or 6th on their team. And as is ALSO the case for the other exciting teams in the west, they had an off year offensively. The whole league did! Only 4 guys scored 40 or more goals! That's the worst year for scoring I can remember! Maybe this will be why Chicago, like the other dummies in the west, will try to out-defence the best defences in the league. I hope they don't try to. Hossa, Kane, Sharp, Toews, if he's playing, are the kind of guys who CAN get good shots on Smith. But not if they're playing "careful" hockey and passing up the wide open man in front of the net to give the "safe" pass to the defenceman at the point. I REALLY think they will play boring if Toews is out. But maybe if he's back from injury we'll have one decent series to watch in the west. I hope so.

Things I love about spring:

The smell, not the taste of candy floss, burning off last year’s barbecue sauce,
sugar donuts, carnival fries, thawing dog poop and vagrant surprise.
Burning gas mixed with fresh cut grass, spring fever pass to available ass,
more blossoming cherries than a porno mag. I wish I had a tail I could wag.

The first day of playoffs. Every team has a chance. Pink legs in premature short pants.
Shaking hands, kissing and hugging, April Fools gags and good natured bugging.
Like a bear waking up from hibernation, this nation is chasing some recreation.
The winter was cold and a bit of a drag, I wish we all had tails we could wag.

Folks hunting more than Elmer Fudd. Spring buds budding and buds smoking bud.
The masters of golf fight it out at Augusta. Did Tiger compete this year? He musta.
The boys of summer shiver in spring training. They give it their all, unless it is raining.
If I seem sentimental, a bit of a fag, I still wish we all had tails we could wag.

Toilet Humour: The Sequel

What can I say? SAME bathroom, same building as last toilet humour. The office building where I work, Upper Harbour Place, has just 2 elevators and one bathroom on the main floor. I have a kind of office/electrical/supply room in the basement parkade where I work out of. You've seen pictures. There is no bathroom in the parkade so the most convenient place for me to floss, paint my toenails and wax my eyebrows is in the main floor lobby bathroom. The one that's not on the same floor as any business so it never gets cleaned. The one where I found the Chinese Bulimic Weightloss Tea all over the place.

Let me begin at the beginning so I don't go all Toni Morrison on your Phillistine asses who have no idea what that reference is all about. That bathroom is right beside a pretty large Goodlife Fitness Center. And Goodlife is open 24 hrs. on weekdays. Two important things to remember as I relate my toilet saga: It was a weekday and the walls in Upper Harbour Place are paper thin.

No it's not what you're probably thinking. Behave! If it were a story about people overhearing one of my scatological symphonies I certainly wouldn't deny you the full effect. I just don't think typing toilet noises does them justice. So I'd wait to tell it in person complete with mighty raspberry blasts and maybe an armpit fart or two for realism. But it's something similar...

Since the workers at Goodlife and I am/are the only ones there late at night during the week I sometimes visit them and say hi. See how things are going. So I walk in the other day and say hi to one of the gals who works behind the counter. She gets this weird expression, doesn't say anything and runs into the office and closes the door behind her. Now, I have grown older, out, balder, poorer, less attractive and more accustomed to reactions from the fairer sex that they could easily pull off while surreptitiously texting someone more interesting. In fact it has HAPPENED. But THIS was colder than usual. It bordered on disconcerting. I thought she might even have been crying but when I asked Zarif, (another guy who works there), what was up he said she wasn't crying but laughing. I suppose he said that to try to make me feel better.

After checking for boogers, spinach in my teeth, toilet paper on the shoe, gaping fly and such I pleaded with them to tell me what she was laughing at. Try as I might I could not get either of them to reveal the joke but I was sure I was the punchline live and in the flesh. Anyway I left and while doing my patrols I racked my brain trying to figure out what they were laughing at.

Other than the Goodlife folks for most of my regular shifts, and for all of the ones on weekends, I am by default the most fascinating person to talk to on the entire site. So I do. And that night I was saying to myself, "What were they laughing at? What did I do?" Then, while talking to myself it hit me.

That very day had been one of the few times the bathroom in question had been cleaned since I've worked at Upper Harbour Place. I knew that I was actually the very first person to use the toilet since it was cleaned because the cleaners use a blue cleaner and it makes the water in the toilet blue for one flush only. The water was blue when I used the bathroom earlier that day. And AS I used the bathroom that day, (in "mid-stream" you might say), being so pleased with the spic and span facilities I had said in my sweetest and best children's show host voice, "Blue and yellow make GREEN!"

Now I KNOW what they'll be thinking every time they see me for a while. Ugh.