Almost Valentine's Day

It's almost Valentine's Day. As I get farther along life's path and nearer the grave, holidays change for me. I still like Christmas but not as much. Birthdays are only remembered because of Facebook. "Oh would you look at that. Three people are having birthdays today: Kelly, Sandy and ME! It's my birthday today? Oh yeah!"

I absolutely LOVE Halloween! I think I like it even better now! Thanksgiving, American Thanksgiving, Korean Chuseok, hey, any excuse to go all medieval on excessive amounts of food is A O K with me!

But Valentine's Day... Let's just say it's not my fave any more. It never really was. I remember Valentine's Days from early childhood. Not because of the love, because of the stress! When I was in gradeschool we had to give valentines to everybody in our classes at school. EVERYbody! I guess somebody thought that singling out girlfriends and boyfriends in gradeschool was just silly because for the lovers, they're too young to know what love is and for the kids that don't get valentines, they're NOT too young to know what social exclusion is. So we gave Valentines to everyone. I thought that was weird, and so did my other male friends because, although we were too young, (or at least I was), to fully understand what gay was, we all knew we weren't supposed to LOVE our buddies. Oh sure we could love them, but not LOVE love them. You know what I mean.

So being of a family somewhere near the bottom of the financial comfort spectrum, I remember getting those sheets of punch out valentines. Do you remember these?

They usually had one or two good ones and the rest were crappy. Which was good because I usually had one or two good classmates and the rest were crappy. Not like the richer kids in class who gave out cool valentines with REAL superheroes or even the ones from Mcdonalds. They had LOTS of love at Valentine's Day, especially if they attached Mcdonald's gift certificates to their valentines! Remember the valentines from Mcdonalds?

So on Feb. 13th I'd spend some time punching them out and choosing which classmate got which valentine. I'd usually start with the other boys. I'd try to find valentines with pictures of cowboys, spacemen, policemen, superheroes or masculine things like that even though they'd say things like "I'd like to rope you into being my valentine," "You're out of this world," "I arrest you for stealing my heart," or "You're my valentine hero!" I was okay with the inappropriate messages because the pictures carried more weight.

The Aquaman valentine would have been awesome cuz you could give it to a boy OR a girl! But you never got cool ones like THAT on the big punch-out sheets.

And there were never enough! After I took care of the main dudes in the class I had no really good pictures to give to the lesser guys. So they ended up getting the oddly shaped or impossible to understand selections.

What's "Scentimental" supposed to mean to a 7-year-old? Or even sentimental? I don't remember waxing nostalgic when I was 7. "I remember the old days, three years ago, before I had to go to school... Sesame street wasn't so bourgeois back then!" Never said that.

So then, on to the girls. You had to be careful here! Girls actually READ their valentines! But I found that attitude could usually trump most of the words on the valentines. You throw them at the chicks and say, "Here. Here. There ya go. Think fast. Incoming!" and they get the hint that your heart is really not that into it. BUT, if you had that one girl who you kinda dug, then it was a stressful ordeal! Should I toss her card at her with equal nonchalance or should I give her a little extra special chalance? Or maybe I should just wing her a valentine like the other girls but give her the one that had "You complete me," "You are special to me," or even, if I'm feeling extraordinarily daring, "I love you!" Should I sign my name with a heart beside it? Or maybe some exes and ohs for kisses and hugs? Or maybe just the ohs. Our relationship hasn't progressed to kissing yet. This was too much stress for a little boy! So I'd cave under the pressure and just give every girl whatever she got. If she was like Ralphie Wiggum and took "I Choo-Choo-Choose You" personally, whatever! So I'd just give out things like:

Can you IMAGINE giving these out nowadays? Kids would be sent home from school; social services would evaluate parents; kids would be sent to sensitivity classes; rules would be changed; laws would be made; blame would be assigned! "What's that supposed to mean? Your boy wants to BANG my daughter? Hmmm? And where did he learn that?" "My daughter happens to be one fifth Cherokee Indian, but I suppose you didn't know that did you?" "Bee? Bee? Are you gonna even TRY to tell me that has nothing to do with the birds and the bees? What kind of filthy-minded children is my daughter mixing with every day?!?!"

With so many people's moral outrage on a hair trigger these days it's probably a good thing we don't try to spread love around any more. That was the point though wasn't it? I think if you get right down to it, forget the fact that we have no idea about the reason we even celebrate Valentine's Day, shouldn't we have a holiday in which we all try to love one another? I don't mean kissy kissy touchy feely love, I mean at least a solid 24 hours of worldwide harmony. Stop the fighting and hating for just a day. Don't you think that'd be nice?

But getting back from Never Never Land, it's now about the more base and I'm sorry but, silly romantic love. Am I deranged or would any one else my age be cringing every time some woman you are "dating" or "going out with" or "going steady with," (ugh, cringe, cringe, cringe), called you her "BOYfriend?" Boy? 47 years old? Is it me or is everything about romantic love decidedly juvenile? Is it just me, (or is it just me and Louis C.K.), or do any other guys just have a hard time seeing a girl across the room and thinking, "Hmmm... Maybe that could lead to something NICE." Am I super negative or have I just lived too long to be that positive?

Love is grand. Divorce is about 50 grand. This is not just negative thinking, this is statistical fact! And if you could convince me that embittered divorcees think only of the early years, the good years, and forget about the bad years and the ugly divorce proceedings, I might be more willing to get on board the whole relationship thing, but I don't see that happening. I DO have friends and family with really good, long term relationships and I totally envy them, but I'd have to be bat shit crazy to think the rewards outweigh the risks. Wouldn't I?

I guess it happens, doesn't it? But to me? I'm like the Hulk with thick, (not green), skin that Cupid's arrows just bounce right off. Short of regressing to childhood or finding a time machine, I fear romantic love is just something I will avoid in books and suffer through in romantic comedies from now till I die. I doubt it'll make an appearance in my life. And for my part I don't even think I want it to. Too high risk. So, the following is my valentine for this year:

Just back off with that bow and arrow there, Cupid! You're outgunned.