Tomorrow I have the unenviable task of disconnecting my computer from a perfectly good internet line and going OFFline for an unspecified as yet amount of time. This is a scary proposition to me. What events will happen in the lives of my facebook pals that will shake the chatrooms to their floors and leave me innocently ignorant? What new challenges will I fall way behind on in Frontierville? What celebrities will gain weight, get married, cheat, die or slug a photographer while I'm completely cut off from reality? What American politician or sports star will commit some normal sexual exploit that is blown so far out of proportion that everybody is forced to pretend it was deviant? What if a nuclear war begins, (God forbid, touch silicon), it hasn't happened yet, but, how will I know? Well apart from the crispy sunburn. How, oh how will I ever survive a week or MORE of being OFFline???
Have patience with me. I am moving and if I am not one of the many people who mechanically wish you a happy birthday only because facebook reminded us of it, don't worry, I would have if I were online.
If I don't respond to your request to chat, please pardon my reticence. I'm not being rude, I'm OFFline.
If I fail to write anything in my blog that gives you a chuckle, or upload a funny video to my facebook page that brightens your day, it's not because I didn't want to, I'm just unable to use my computer.
And if any important email remains unanswered, any good post goes without comment, any clever joke is not "lol"ed, or any entertaining vid goes without my like, it's probably just because I'm offline folks. Otherwise I'd be MUCH more sustaining of our online relationship.
If you need me I will be in the OFFline wasteland where I'm only reachable by phone, text message, and actual person-to-person interaction. Short of that I suppose messages could be left unanswered until I reconnect to the world again. But by then if I answer you'll no doubt have forgotten what the original comment or question was.
Wish me well in my offline adventures. It's been so many years since I was without a computer I don't know what I'll do yet. But I suppose the old ways may come back to me. If you hear a wooden sounding, repetitive soundbite coming from the direction of the entrance to your dwelling, that may be me "KNOCKING" on your door to see if you're home. It's been, geez almost 5 months since I've done that. Talk about dinosaur behaviour! But bear with me, I'm non-cyber for a while.
Or maybe there might be a hard copy, epistoleric, bundle of forest product in your corporate advertising recepticle. It might be a "letter" from me. Don't be alarmed. And please don't throw it out with the other waste. It will almost be as though we are typing in a chat room or texting on our cell phones, only with the outdated, one-way style. It's quaint, if not boredom relieving.
And if you should happen to see me out of doors, (it tends to happen without a computer to keep me in the comfort of my home), you may want to use your portable electronic device to hook up to the internet, download my profile picture and compare to my actual face. I can't promise to be wearing the identical clothing or have the same expression but I'll do my best to remain identifiable. Unfortunately we won't be able to link up and chat, because I am, alas, OFFline. But I promise we'll be able to rediscover the outmoded and obsolete action called "conversation" if we give it a try.
I know it might sound scary. Think of ME! But it could actually be fun. If you don't feel up to it, I'll see you back in reality when I get virtual again. If I see you beforehand, I will understand if you do not react.
Thank you and fare well while I am gone.
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