Bodyslam the Buttinskis

Since coming back to Canada from Korea some of the most pleasurable times I've spent have been whistling my way through the aisles of the local Safeway like a whistling zombie in a brainshop. You see there are about a bazillion products available here that I have spent late nights craving from the depths of darkest Korea and/or spent 5 to 10 times the amount of money they're worth on them just to have a taste of home now and again. Now I can eat 'em all! I have to be careful because that is the impulse. But I'm trying the spread out my enjoyment eating the things I craved most a little at a time to extend the appreciation of being home as long as I can. I know it'll fade soon and I'll be complaining. For instance... (hey I gotta be me)...

The quarter carts at Safeway. Come on! Really? I have to put a quarter into the cart quarter chain thingy in order to seriously shop at Safeway. Why? THey WANT me to use that cart. It will encourage me to buy more if I have a cart in which I am able to wheel more items around the store as I shop. Bigger carts encourage bigger purchases. Why do you think Suprstores, Walmarts and Costcos have aisles like landing strips and those cavernous grocery barges? They're subliminally forcing us helpless consumers to buy more!

Yet at Safeway they inconvenience me, almost DIScourage me from using the cart by adding this extra chore to my shopping day. And it IS a chore in a country where I think I can accurately say we are burdened down by the jingly ballast of more pocket change than most. (A joint effort on the part of the government and credit card companies to make cash less convenient and bully us into using plastic). And where, at least for myself, the goal is to get RID of that extra tonnage so that I don't rip holes in my pockets, lose my pants altogether or sink to the bottom of any deep water I might accidentally fall into, I don't want to always have a quarter on my person in case I might want to do some grocery shopping.

And seriously, Safeway, if you want us to do this quarter thing, get a system that WORKS! I can't tell you how many times I have shoved a quarter into a cart and it didn't unlock, OR brought my cart back and could not get my quarter OUT of it. I recently used one of those smaller carts. It was great until it came time to put it back. My cart would not push far enough into the cart at the back of the cart train to insert the key into the lock on my buggy and retrieve my 25 cents. There WAS one way I could have done and that was to lift the cart upside-down on top of the train, insert the key, get my quarter and leave the cart hanging there. But, so as not to inconvenience the next person I did not do that. Though I may next time.

The quarter cart system begs the question why. I KNOW it's not a safety deposit issue. Meaning if a person should run off with the cart it will have cost them some money. With a good hammer that quarter is easily retrievable anyway. It occurs to me that maybe, since I'll be weighed down anyway, I should bring a quarter AND a hammer with me every time I go grocery shopping. That'd be one solution.

No Safeway will tell you that it is because people are more likely to put the carts back into the cart trains if they get a quarter back. I was alive before this quarter cart idea was designed to force us all to be courteous cart corallers, I've seen carts abandoned in supermarket parking lots. But never very many. And I understand that every minute an employee spends "chasing the silver" as it's called when they gather up carts from around the store, they could be doing something more productive in the supermarket. But please, for the prices we pay at Safeway, please allow us this one service! Will they do it? For the answer take the "S" out of "Safe", then take the "fuck" out of "Way." That's right, there IS no fuckin way!

Because of a few lazy Safeway customers and a few who think THEIR time is more productively spent doing something other than adding to the silver trains, the rest of us have to suffer. It's all part of the phenomenon I like to call "overprotection." This is when people force other people to do things, "for their own good." People in positions with some political power who have unhealthy obsessions with controlling other people's behaviour and who have any of a slew of impressive sounding community organization and governmental titles, but who are still just medallers and busybodies. They don their self-commissioned mantles of health and safety watchdogs and invariably cater to the minority on the far side of the spectrum which leads to the production of bylaws, laws and conventions that inconvenience, (and tax), the majority.

During my time in Korea I significantly reduced my carbon footprint by traveling by foot, bus or the occasional taxi. I admit it didn't start out as an environmental effort on my part, (it's an exercise in transcendant patience to endure the traffic, parking and ignorance problems that every motorist in Korea inflicts upon him/herself just by getting behind the wheel). But I think I want to do my best to keep it up here in Canada, (given the price of gas is over $1.30/Litre.) So after contemplating a vehicle for a while, then weighing necessity vs. desire, I haven't bought one. I've been walking. But on April 30th there's a bike sale here in Smithers that I may or may not attend. I'll tell you why this presents a quandary.

Other than the fact that most bicycles nowadays have the handlebars that are so far forward and flat that I feel like with any sudden stop I'll be tasting the knobs on my front tire, the main reason I am hesitant, (not to say loathe, (because "loathe" is a pretty pretentious word when used like that)), to buy a bike is the severely overprotective helmet laws the vast majority of cyclists, who will never be putting their noggins in jeopardy by biking, are bullied into obeying. In my life I've put on more helmetless miles than all but the most serious of cyclists will EVER ride and not once did I even get a bump or a boo-boo on my melon. HOWEVER, I never had one of those death machines that has the majority of the rider's weight on the hands OVER the handlebars and the front wheel. I submit that this major design flaw in bicycles, while possibly saving wear and tear on the rear wheel, actually greatly increases the chance of head injury. Or if you want to put it into corporate and political terms, it "necessitates the use of protective, (though costly, gay looking and hair messing), headgear.

When I'm cycling I want something on my head that can soak up sweat and keep the sun out of my eyes. Bike helmets are made for people who don't have heads shaped like mine. ANd the styrofoam, or whatever they're made from, sure doesn't have any absorption or play to it. A dog dish would be more comfortable and far from soak it up, they promote a free flow of sweat directly into the eyes of the wearer. And to make matters worse, wherever you go you have this unwieldy, sweaty, stinky helmet to lug around with you.

NONE of this is to keep you safe! These laws were suggested and passed by medaling busybodies who, rather than mind their own business, were trying to justify their existance, more to the point, their salaries and their political power. The bogus statistics we're force fed about lives helmets have saved are for the same purpose.

The only cycle I ride these days is the stationary bike at the gym. Don't need a helmet for that. YET!

So now I have to decide what is more of an affront to my autonomy and personal liberties: being bullied into wearing the inconvenient and unnecessary headgear to appease the nosey buttinskis at the core of societal deterioration, or having the comfort and pleasure of a bikeride compromised by design failures and equipment laws so much that it's foregone altogether.

Almost makes me say, "Screw it, I'll just buy the damn car." Don't look now but I think I feel the biggest bully in the school, the government, shakin' me down for my lunch money again. I wish I could just once be like the Australian lad, Casey Haynes, in the vid at the top of this entry. I wish ALL Canadians could. We're much bigger and tougher than the government. Let's bodyslam the bastards!