Apostille Apostate

I was asked, (or rather, my boss, Mr. Shim was asked), today by the education office of Gangneung to produce a copy of my university degree with an apostille. I can't tell you what a buzzword this has become in the offices responsible for levelling endless bureaucratic paperwork at every foreigner as punishment for choosing to work here in Korea. I've heard it in the immigration office, "We need apostille," at the bank, "We must apostille," at the hospital, "You apostille," and now the education office. First of all, I have an alien card, which means I've been cleared by immigration and the government of Korea. THIS means they have seen an apostilled copy of my degree. Secondly, said degree has been notarized, sealed, stamped, apostilled, verified, and legitimized to death. I have produced sealed transcripts on two occasions, had my degree investigated and verified by Korean document verification offices TWICE at my expense, and have had stamps and signatures affixed to it by notaries, lawyers and Korean consular generals. This is on record at any immigration office, so why does the local education office need an apostille?

Let me first say that it genuinely IS a fun word to say. APOSTILLE. Makes you sound legitimate doesn't it? Say it a few times and see if you don't feel like you could fool someone into believing you are more official than you actually are by saying it. APOSTILLE. I don't need to know what the hell this means, I just need to demand it and watch the foreigner hop to it. It makes me feel SO good about myself! APOSTILLE!

I am positive the officials who request apostille have no idea what it means, most of them anyway, because I have gotten into exchanges with them during which they proved their ignorance. And, as always, pointing out that an immigration officer or any office worker knows less about their job than you is a dangerous thing to do. At the immigration office nearby Gangneung I gave them a copy of my degree which had been stamped and signed by a lawyer who I had never met previous to the stamping and signing and who I paid about 50 Canadian dollars for the service. The lady at the office, who I was told prides herself on knowing a lot about Korean immigration laws and rules, asked me for my ORIGINAL degree with apostille. I told her that nobody gets their ORIGINAL degrees stamped or notarized or "apostilled," and what I had just handed her was a copy of my original document that had been stamped, signed and notarized by a lawyer. She said, that's not what we need. We need apostille.

The word "apostille" in French means "notation." When we get our documents "notarized" by a "notary" public or a lawyer, this is identical to having them apostilled. Ironically, in Canada, where we have French and English as our national languages, we never really used the term until recently. It was something that started, in my understanding, in the U.S. But since the difference between Canadians and Americans is negligible to a Korean immigration officer, all over the country they started demanding Canadians produce "APOSTILLE." I am sure hundreds of us have informed workers all over Korea that we have been doing exactly this for years and that the document in their hands is essentially "apostille." And I'm sure hundreds of Korean immigration workers took offence to the uppety Canadians trying to tell them their jobs. So now, just recently, Canadian notaries, lawyers, foreign workers and document services have started using the term "apostille" but doing exactly nothing different than they did before.

So Mr. Shim calls me from the education office asking for the requisite apostille. I had given him a copy of the copy of my degree that the lawyer had signed and stamped. I said that the stamp was not a postage stamp, (which, hilariously, due to misinterpretation combined with deep desire to seem highly official, Korean consulars have been doing for years),

it's a stamp that raises the surface of the paper and creates bumps on it. This is why it is not done to the original degrees. I'm pretty sure the craze over "sealed transcripts" I fell victim to twice was just a misinterpretation gone amok as well. One of my colleagues had her's delivered and she opened the envelope before giving her transcripts to her employer. She wanted to copy them I think. They wouldn't accept the transcripts because the seal had been broken. The envelope seal. I bet what happened was when checking their very, very bad electronic dictionary, some immigration head office worker mistakenly used the word "seal" when he/she wanted "stamped" and mixed up a personal seal or stamp with a sealed envelope. And, fuck it, let the foreigners figure it out. Notice the degree is stamped with stamps, a personal seal stamp, and a signiture, just to cover all the bases.

Anyway, I said to Mr. Shim that the signiture was still there along with the lawyer's official ink stamp so that really should qualify as an "apostille" without the person feeling the bumps on the paper. I'll find out at work today whether the worker was appeased or not. I'm guessing he'll be going back with the original copy of the original degree with the bumps because somebody wants to appear official without actually knowing what the hell he/she is doing and if they can inconvenience a foreigner along the way, well that just an added bonus.

That REALLY is what a mojority of the paperwork I've been doing for, I don't know, the past year???, comes down to: inconveniencing foreigners. I had 6 photos taken for the purposes of official papers here. They had peel-away backing so they could be conveniently stuck to the documents. I ran out and had to get another 4 yesterday so that I could go to the hospital to get my official physical examination, which requires a photo attached, FOR THE SECOND TIME! It needs to be in a "sealed" evelope too. ha ha ha ha. I have to laugh because if this all isn't just inconveniencing the barbarians from abroad then they are laughable, jeuvenile attempts at ersatz professionalism so many of the agencies put on here. Like playing grown-up. That's what it is. Seriously! I think I may be giving the Koreans the benefit of the doubt assuming they're doing this out of pure racism.

At any rate, I am, indeed, an apostille apostate. I reject the official requests for them as either xenophobic inconveniencing or childish desire for unwarranted legitimacy. At their VERY BEST the process is an antiquated one. Back when practicing law was not well known to be among the most unscrupulous of professions, I suppose it might have meant something to have an attorney affix his or her signiture or seal to a document, thereby giving it slightly more legitimacy than the word of a commoner. If the lawyer had known the person for some time and was able to vouch for his/her honesty, and if no money changed hands, the process might have actually had some merit. But nowadays when a lawyer who has just billed a client for an hour after leaving a message on his answering machine, set a rapist free on a technicality, and paid a visit to a hospital emergency room giving out cards for potential personal injury lawsuits, signs, stamps, seals, verifies, notarizes or fucking APOSTILLES anything as a total stranger who I have paid to do so, it means exactly nothing and actually detracts from the legitimacy of any document. But it's a costly and inconvenient process that is just so doggone FUN to say! APOSTILLE! APOSTILLE! Maybe it's me but I see two gay men using it as a safe word. APOSTILLE! APOSTILLE you beast!

Anyway, after we get this nonsense taken care of, Mr. Shim assures me that the paperwork will finally be over. Which is good because after, like I said, about a year of jumping through hoops and filling out documents most of which are completely unnecessary, I feel like saying to the Korean government, "APOSTILLE! APOSTILLE! JIN JAH APOSTILLE!"

Addendum after work the same day: What'd I tell ya? Mr. Shim tried unsuccessfully to use the copy of the stamped degree without the bumps. I guess they need to feel the bumps. Whatever! I'll be so glad to get all the paper pushing over and done with, I'll submit to one last act of subservience. In fact I have made it through my first full month of employment here and that means I will have money again! WOOOOO HOOOOO!!! Not outta debt by a long shot but not scrounging for change either. Korea, despite its shortcomings, and there is no shortage of shortcomings, has bailed me out of the worst financial disaster I've ever been in. I am working my ass off here but I think it'll get easier. I am slowly reigning in the students who looked to be troublemakers. The older ones at least. The younger ones might need a bit more work. But as time goes by and I keep sacrificing an entire day of every weekend to plan lessons, I'll eventually get entire curriculums together for all the books and that will make my life a lot easier.

I have to say I love the hours! I never have to get up early. What a blessing that is! No shift work, split shifts, sleep deprivation, short turnarounds or any of that crap. 3:30 PM to 9:30 PM every day Monday to Friday. It's more teaching hours than an ideal schedule should have. I'd prefer 5 or even 4 hours a day since I have so many students and different classes and every one requires its own lesson plans for the week. But for a guy who likes to have a beer or two to wind down at night, then get online and play, it's a perfect schedule. I could even have more than a beer or two if I had a mind to. Not doing that though until I get more settled in.

So now that the big bureaucracy is almost over, I will be able to concentrate on other things. Namely, getting a phone, getting my stuff sent here from Canada, and getting paid up with all the very accomodating people who stuck with me through the whole Indonesia fiasco. The shipment is in the works and will likely be here by March. I may get a little use from the jeans, pants, sweaters and winter clothes in it yet. I KNOW I'll be using the golf clubs. And it will be super nice to have my big computer! And printer. Though I think I just might break down and get a printer here. Mine will be all clogged up by now anyway and printers aren't too expensive. I've been going to a store and getting things printed out at 300 won per page black and white and a lot more for colour. I could have bought a printer by now with only one month's worth of printing.

The debts to friends and family will take longer to repay. I am SOOO looking forward to the end of 2016! I reckon by then I'll be out of debt again and I'll even have some money in the bank. Enough for a bit of a Christmas time holiday for sure! And MAN will I be aching by then to hit the links in Pattaya! Or who knows, maybe even Viet Nam! Then another year here in Gangneung and before I know it the 2018 Winter Olympics will be right in my back yard. And I'll have the donatos to GO to the events! I have plans to repay some deserving, sport loving friends who have helped me in my time of need. Big plans. I hope things work out.

So anyhoo, as I so often say, I have no love for the crazy, silly, messed up things that happen here in Korea. I DO love that it's a free enough country that I can express my feelings truthfully without getting ground up into Soon Dae for it. But, like my regular railings about Canada, if I didn't like the place, I wouldn't care enough to bitch about it.

Peace out brethren and sistren.


Addendum: OH MY GOD, Magnum! The first comment I've had in ages and it's someone trolling for apostilles. Do you see? Do you see? Do you see, Larry? DO YOU SEE what happens? You're killing your father, Larry. DO you SEE what happens when you f*&^ a stranger in the a@#$? Do you see what kind of money grubbing vermin I'm dealing with here?