If I Had a Billion Dollars

... and now for the updated version: "If I Had A Billion Dollars," by the Scantily Clad Gender Indeterminate Musicians.

If I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
Well I'd buy you a house
I would buy you a house, (in Vancouver).

If I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
I'd build you a wall around yer house
A great Great Wall to keep out peasants.

And if I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
SURELY I could buy a better hairpiece!
A nice reliant kind of a hairpiece.
And if I had a better hairpiece, I'd buy yer love.

If I had a billion dollars
I'd gild the streets of D.C. yard by yard
If I had a billion dollars
You could make a speech, it's not that hard
If I had a billion dollars
Maybe we could make little tiny orange kids in there somewhere...
We'd have orange kids but we wouldn't have orange pets.
Well can you blame us?
Yes!

If I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
I'd buy you some oats,
But not with milk or water, that's gruel.

And if I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
I'd buy you an exotic pet
Yup, like a banker or a senator.

If I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
Well I'd buy you Steve Jobs remains
Oooh all those crazy Apple I-Phones!
And if I had a billion dollars, I'd buy your love.

If I had a billion dollars
We wouldn't buy Wal-Marts any more
If I had a billion dollars
We'd take over Target cuz it costs a little more.

If I had a billion dollars
We wouldn't eat the poor for dinner.
We'd eat the middle class for dinner!
Of course we would! And we'd eat more!
And buy really expensive ketchups for them...
That's right, all the fanciest, Dijon ketchups. Mmmmmm!

If I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
Well I'd buy you a green world
But not a fossil-free world, that's fuel.

And if I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
Well I'd buy you some art
Like an Irving or a Blank.

If I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
Well I'd buy you some flunkies
Haven't you always wanted some flunkies?
If I had a billion dollars, I'd buy your love.

If I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars
I'd be president.

*(Alternate ending contingent upon upcoming American Election)