Therapeutic Chick Fights

You don't see a lot of physical fights between two girls. And although this is a tragedy to most men, none of us know just how tragic it really is. Women need to fight more. Whether it's in bikinis and chocolate pudding or not, that's up to them, but I reckon the world would be a darn site better with more hair-pulling, eye-scratching, blouse-tearing entertai - uh, girl fighting.

Why, you ask, oh curious onlooker waiting to see how I dig myself out of this hole, (and secretly titillated by the prospect of my actually digging myself deeper into it). Because women are so rarely violent physically, they get BRUTAL verbally. Terribly violent verbally and should you suggest this to most women being starved of physical stress relief as they are, they will argue for hours with you, or AT you. I have known a few women, unBiblically, who, in moments of alcoholically induced unguardedness have admitted it. They ARE like the Mean Girls in Tina Fey's movie. By the way, Tina, if you're reading, I still want to marry you.

I wanted to see how far I could get in this entry without using the simplistic, dismissive, overused term, "bitch" in any of its forms and as it turns out this is how far. Women can be absolute BITCHES to each other. And out of this there arise a few phenomena, one of them being the tomboy. We all know some of these. Girls who are more like guys. They hang out with mostly guys, talk like dudes, dress like them, cuss like them, fix cars, chug beer, pee standing up, fear commitment, understand the blueline trap and, yes, occasionally have a scrap. I think one of the reasons why tomboys prefer the company of men is because they are just tired of verbally violent bitches.

There are also, from what I can see, an increasing number of non-masculine girls who just prefer the company of men as a form of non-sexual, non-commercial, friendly recreation. The "just one of the boys" girls. Some of these gals have little or nothing to do with the ladies. Why would they? Think of what they get. If they are in ANY way attractive, or even not, they have a prolonged first date, job interview, chair pulling, door opening lapdog loyalty that comes from the perception in the hormone-addled brains of the boys, no matter how miniscule the reality might be, that there just might be a chance of tappin' dat!

Now the Sally to that Harry is that there are plenty of married or otherwise unavailable gals and fellas who are in relationships like this. But there's always cheating. For those of you who are naysaying right now, let me be quick to remind you, Harry DID bang Sally in that movie.

But back to the verbal violence. Recent changes all over the world, specifically regarding women in workplaces have been a blast of WD40 to female verbal violence viscosity. Women, either through legislation or merit, have risen to positions in the workplace where traditionally there had always been men. The perception of the public, co-workers, employees, peers and most importantly in the minds of these women, that it wasn't just qualifications that landed them their jobs makes them bound and determined to change that perception. Usually they hammer their workers and/or superiors into shape with the same tactics they use on their girlfriends to prove they are just as tough - FUCK THAT - twice as tough as any dude... thereby possibly undermining any legitimate strategy there might have been to have a woman in the position rather than a man.

I think it's interesting to look at some of the varying tactics, wiles and warfare used by women waging verbal battles on girlfriends, male-friends or co-workers. And these are not exclusive to women, just what I'm noticing in a lot more women.

1. The Bubbler- This is the gal who thinks she can be as Machiavellian as she wants so long as she does it in a sweet, giggly, chipmunk voice. And she's probably right. At least with her male co-workers because we don't leave our libidos at home when we go to work, and some people find the violin squeaking, bagpipe caterwauling voice attractive.

2. The Admitter- This is the chick who thinks we actually forgive her when she says things like, "I have a pretty big ego," "I don't allow other people to disagree with me," or even, "I am a bit of a bitch," and says them with PRIDE! Is there such a thing as genuine self-deprication?

3. The Guilter- Aparently crafted from its infancy to the manipulative collosus it now is by Jewish mothers, the rest of the world now knows about this. And it's perfectly fine if the world doesn't thank them. No they have much more important things to do, the world does. The Jewish mothers completely understand...

4. The BEEATCH- Aparently crafted from its infancy to the manipulative collosus it now is by head-bobbing, stop-sign-brandishing, finger-snapping black women. It's SO effective that you will notice I had to include it AFTER the thing about the Jewish women just so black beeatches don't think I'm singling them out due to their race. Well it's not just the black ladies any more. These women don't just tell you they're bitches, they do all they can to fortify their personal legend of bitchitudinous behaviour. With pride!

5. The Blitzer- Taken from the German military strategy known as the blitzkrieg in which the enemy is overwhelmed by high speed attack. These are the women with whom even non-work-related conversation is nothing but a battle for a short burst of air time. They can respond to the simplest of questions with a 5-minute barrage of verbocity that does nothing to address your concern but leaves you too exhausted to ask again. They will often just increase the volume of their non-stop harangue if they hear or even see hints of an interchange of ideas arising.

6. The Analyst- Due largely to Cosmopolitan magazine, Oprah and Dr. Phil, most women are unpapered psychoanalysts who are very willing to give pro-bono analysis even where it is not requested. They are skilled at psychological warfare and the methods and devices of its practice are well honed through chick flicks, Jane Austen, girls' night outs, pajama parties, sleepovers, pillow fights, sloppy, sexy mud wrestling... uh I digress.

7. And finally, the most dangerous of verbal villains, the Combo Girl. This is actually the norm. There aren't many girls who fall into just one of the above six categories. They like to diversify. The combinations are almost natural.

The problem I always have when I am dealing with these ladies is that I KNOW it's all just carefully studied, mimmicked and perfected behaviour and that they are still just the little sweethearts their parents know them as. The worst thing you can do is make them feel like they are unconvincing in their acts. Then they start getting malicious and subversive. You DON'T want them singling you out and trying to sabotage your career let me tell you! And the worst thing you can do is see through their act if you don't want to encur the wrath of the career woman. They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but I think a woman revealed or debunked is MUCH more furious! I've learned that you're probably safer just to play along.

So to all the bosses, co-workers, and verbally violent women I have known past or present, may your next figurative kick to the crotch fly true and may your next girl fight come sooner than later. Get out and beat up some other bitch. You know you want to. Start a female fight club. Give yourself Tyler Durdenesque assignments like starting and then LOSING a fight. You will thank yourself for the stress it relieves. And everyone around you will benefit.